


Three

by ExecutiveShrimp



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Double Penetration, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:06:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 63,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4198485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExecutiveShrimp/pseuds/ExecutiveShrimp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: Boy falls in love with roommate. Roommate has a boyfriend. There seems to be only one solution. 5x1, 5x2x1, 2x1</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note:  
> I’m going to be straight with you: This is a ‘oneshot’/writing exercise that got totally out of hand. I’ve written this story freeform, without my usual preparations, and apparently when I do that, I end up writing 60.000+ words when it was supposed to be around 10.000 -.-‘ The story is longwinded in some parts and rushed in others and undoubtedly suffers from inconsistencies and other errors, but there is no point in trying to fix that. I can only hope the story will still be enjoyable in this honest and raw form, in which it came to be. If not, well… there will be a lot of sex, so at least there’s that :P 
> 
> An overall warning up front: Sexual content includes (but is not limited to): masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, double penetration and a minor element of ‘dubious consent’. This is, however, not a PWP, you have to wait a long while for things to get steamy. Please heed the warnings at the start of each chapter. 
> 
> Warnings for part one: Language

**Three**

_Part One_

“Do you remember Heero Yuy?”

That was how it all started, with a simple enough question.

How could I forget Heero Yuy? He was the son of Odin Lowe, a friend of my father, they used to be in the military together. I was raised on heroic tales and the bitter knowledge that I would never be half the man my father was, let alone hold a candle to the greatness and the epitome of bravery that was Odin Lowe. Heero was the same as me in that regard; a disappointment waiting to happen. We never managed to build any kind of friendship on that common ground, whenever we were forced to hang out together every Thanksgiving, since we were nine years old when Odin moved back to the United States with the son he had fathered whole stationed in Japan. Heero was short, slight, mild-mannered and sensitive; everything me and my older brother were not. We felt cool and big giving the young, displaced Japanese boy a hard time about that.

When we ended up going to the same middle school, and then later high school, I didn’t relent. The popular kids saw the same thing my brother saw: an easy target. I actually used to hold Heero responsible for how we bullied him, he _made_ himself an easy target. Why couldn’t he just stop drawing elves and mages in the borders of his notebooks and stop wearing shirts with the image of those comic-book characters with big eyes and make some friends instead of just moping around? Then we wouldn’t have had anything to tease him about and the problem would have been solved.

I had to think that way, back then, because if I would have acknowledged the truth – that I made his life a living Hell because doing so made my life easier – it would have wrecked me and I was already standing on unstable ground emotionally speaking.

In his sophomore year, Heero transferred to a private school. Supposedly because he was some kind of genius. Although that might have been true, I knew Odin must have finally given in and allowed him a fresh start, with new people. Heero never told his father I had been part of the problem, or surely I would have gotten an earful at the next Thanksgiving, which proved to be the last our families shared. We had less and less to be grateful for.

I thought about him a lot during my ‘year-of-self-discovery’, following my high school graduation, regretting the mistakes I had made in the way I had treated him. I knew these were the kinds of mistakes that would haunt me forever, in the quiet moments.

So when my father asked me if I ‘remembered’ Heero Yuy, I replied wearily: “Yeah?” The first thought that came to mind was that he had killed himself and left a suicide note that implicated me.

However, the conversation took – if possible – an even stranger and more nauseating turn.

My father informed me that Heero was also enrolled at Wellington University, the same school I attended. He studied Computer Sciences, which explained why we never ran into each other because the Musical Education program was housed in a different faculty building. He had a part-time job as freelance tech support, helping old people set up their home entertainment system and debugging computers – I imagined when the owners got careless when browsing for porn. This job apparently earned him enough money to be able to afford an apartment close to campus, rather than live in the dorms, so he didn’t have to deal with the noisy and inconsiderate roommates that I struggled with and, as it appeared, he had a spare room available.

The details were glossed over but it was apparent my father called in a favor from Odin, who, in turn, must have guilt-tripped his son into agreeing to let me rent the room. My father would provide an appropriate financial compensation, to cover my part of the rent and other expenses, so I could get out of the crowded dorm house where I couldn’t find the peace and quiet necessary to study nor sleep.

I didn’t want to move in with Heero, mostly because I acknowledged how difficult it would be for him to live with his childhood bully, but also, more selfishly, because I knew it would be hard on me as well. I had oftentimes wondered if I should find him to make amends, but to be faced with him every single day and be confronted with the accompanying guilt, was not something I thought to be conducive to my own well-being either.

Still, I had no choice. My only other option was to move back into my parental house, because my father wasn’t going to watch my GPA drop any further, but really, moving back home was not something I could do; there was too much pain in that house. The memories would consume me like a black void eating away at the very fabric of time and space around it.

So with jittery hands I packed up all of my belongings, barely enough to fill a duffel bag and I walked the two blocks from the campus to the address I had been given.

Since Heero could apparently afford a two-bedroom-apartment on the wages of his part-time job, I expected the building to be a dump, but I was surprised to end up standing in front of a modern, well-maintained, clean building, taking note that I had passed a supermarket, coffee shop, pizzeria and Chinese take-away restaurant along the way and I knew the park was only four blocks away. The apartment was on the fifth floor, but it didn’t even matter because there was a properly functioning, spotless elevator. As I was taken up to the fifth floor, I wondered how many hours of work Heero managed to squeeze in next to his school work and how much he was paid per hour, to be able to afford an apartment in a nice building like that.

I got out of the elevator and reluctantly shuffled to door 5C. I had given this day some thought, running scenarios in my head, but I had always expected to be much older and much wiser when I first saw Heero again, with the past being so far behind us that old wounds had healed and even the scars would be barely visible. When I couldn’t remember anymore what he looked like when he cried as I devastated him with my biting words, which were echoed by others.

_Faggot! Pussy boy! Gaysian! Cocksucker!_

Accusing someone of being gay was a popular bullying tactic in that time, even though we had no way of knowing if there was any truth to our scathing words; Heero seemed to hate both genders equally, shying away from all human contact. He never did anything to imply he was attracted to anyone.

I stifled a groan and knocked on the door because I didn’t have my own set of keys yet.

There was a delay but then the door was swung open and I was hit with the scent of clean laundry, spice and exotic flowers.

I froze at the sight of the young man before me – not a small, defenseless boy anymore.

Heero Yuy had grown up remarkably. Although he was still shorter than me, he had legs for days and an elegant, craned neck. His body was toned, I could see the tightness of his thighs in his skinny jeans and the muscle of his chest and upper arms through his fitted shirt. I remembered him being almost sickly pale when he was younger, but as I stood before him his skin glowed golden, more befitting for his Asian heritage. His face had matured equally favorably, the softness and roundness of it he had outgrown. He had a strong, sharp jawline and chiseled cheekbones. If it weren’t for the unmistakable color of his eyes, I might have suspected it to be an entirely different person standing before me. Although shaded by unkempt bangs that fell haphazardly down his forehead, dark eyebrows and thick lashes, his brilliant cobalt blue eyes still managed to shine brightly, with a wild fury now that he was older, rather than the sparkle of innocence I remembered.

I had been staring, but hopefully not long enough for it to be noticed. “Hi.” _That was an… inspired greeting_.

Shapely lips bared white teeth in a smile. Of course his teeth were perfect, the Japanese boy had worn braces for as long as I had known in and, as it appeared, it had paid off. He stepped aside and held the door open for me. “Come on in,” He said and his pleasantly deep, vibrating voice caught me completely off guard.

I adjusted the strap of the duffel bag on my shoulder awkwardly and stepped into the apartment. I was in for another surprise: the place was amazing. The front door led directly into a spacious living room, modestly but stylishly furnished, a winding staircase led up to an open loft space and the kitchen was modern with a granite topped breakfast bar as opposed to a dining table. A hallway next to the kitchen probably led to the bedrooms and the bathroom. I refrained myself from reacting to the décor, as astounded as I was, and focused my attention back on Heero. Unlike what I had expected to be met with, he looked comfortable and confident, it was evident in the way he stood and the way he regarded me; his hips slightly pushed forward, his arms relaxed at his sides, a slight smile on his lips and curious eyes.

For a moment I wondered if he had taken the time to scrutinize me the way I had him, and I felt my face flush because I realized I looked horrible. With mid-terms only two weeks away and given my steadily dropping GPA – not to mention the insomnia I suffered thanks to my night-owl of a dorm roommate – I had bags under my eyes, a five o’clock shadow on my jaw that didn’t suit my face at all, mismatched, wrinkled clothes and unwashed hair. This wasn’t at all going as planned.

“I’m sorry about this,” I started dumbly.

Heero shrugged. He flicked his bangs out of his eyes and said: “It’s okay. My dad said you’re having trouble at school because you can’t study in the dorms.”

I smiled sheepishly. “I wish it was just that. Studying I could still do in the library. Unfortunately, it is frowned upon if you roll out a sleeping bag between the aisles and start to snore. They say it’s disruptive to the other students.”

The young, handsome man looked at me oddly, like he couldn’t figure out if I was being serious or not. He didn’t bother himself too long with trying to figure it out. “Shall I show you to the spare room?”

“Sure.” I followed him into the hallway and it turned out to be the first door on the right.

The room was perfectly nice. It was small, but functional, with a twin bed and a desk under the window. There were large, built-in closets that I had absolutely no need for. I walked in and apprehensively put my bag on the bed.

“Is that all of your stuff?” Heero wondered.

I looked back at the bag. It didn’t bother me much, after trekking through Europe for a year I was used to the nomadic lifestyle and had practicality nullified the desire to be fashionable or to collect memorabilia. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” He tucked his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

The movement drew my eyes to his pelvis, but I caught myself and quickly looked away. I proceeded to pretend to inspect my new surroundings for a moment, just long enough for the blush on my cheeks to subside. “It’s really nice.”

“The room is not very big. Sorry about that.”

“Are you kidding me? It’s bigger than my dorm room and I had to share that with a two-hundred-pound heavy-metal enthousiast. Besides, the rest of the place is amazing. I certainly didn’t expect it to be like this. I mean, how can you afford this?”

“It’s not as expensive as it looks,” Heero replied and that may have been a lie. “And my part-time job pays really well.”

“Cool. Anyway, I’m really grateful. I’m sure you would have rather kept this place all to yourself. And I imagine you definitely didn’t want to have to share it with me.” I bit on the inside of my cheek. We had to address past grievances sooner or later. We would be living together, there was no avoiding the issue.

“I don’t mind,” He said mildly.

“You don’t?”

“It’s true that I wasn’t looking for a roommate, but the place is big enough and from what I heard you seem pretty serious about getting your GPA back up so I don’t expect we’ll be in each other’s way.”

“I am. Trust me, no wild parties or anything. But I was actually more referring to…” I let my words trail off and I looked at him expectantly, waiting for it to dawn on him. Realizing I had to spell it out for him, ignoring the fact that he might purposefully be trying to deny past hurts, I continued: “I was referring to the things that happened between us when we were younger.” I shook my head, I shouldn’t phrase it like that. “I was an asshole to you.”

“Everyone was an asshole to me. I think I just brought it out in people,” He tried to brush it off.

I didn’t understand why he was reacting this way, absolving my responsibility when I knew I didn’t deserve that. “Don’t say that. It wasn’t right the way I treated you and it definitely wasn’t your fault.”

He waved his hand dismissively. “It was a long time ago. We were kids. We’re adults now. It’s water under the bridge,” He said with practiced ease.

I stared at him. It didn’t feel right to be acquitted like that, but if that was the way he wanted to handle things, perhaps in the interest of self-preservation, I decided I had no choice but to accept that. I never intended to make things harder on him than I already had. “Okay, cool. I’m glad you feel that way.” I couldn’t help the confused frown that lingered on my face. “So, Computer Sciences, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I figured you would get into art or something. You were always drawing in your notebooks.”

He raised his eyebrows, perhaps surprised that I remembered. “I was actually designing game characters, it wasn’t about art, or even about drawing. What about you?”

“My major? Musical Education.”

He nodded. “I remember you were really into music. You played the guitar, right?”

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Uh, no. The piano.”

“Really?” His brows furrowed together. “I could have sworn it was the guitar.”

“My brother- uh, the guitar was my brother’s thing. I play piano.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

We stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

“You get settled in,” Heero said, “Your key is on the kitchen counter. I’m going to the library. I guess I’ll see you around.”

“That’s pretty much unavoidable,” I joked uncomfortably.

He smiled, even though it wasn’t funny and turned around.

_Jesus those jeans are tight_ , I thought as I watched him walk out of my room. Moments later I heard the front door open and close and I was left alone in my new home. The quiet that settled was a little unnerving. Although I had come to escape the ever-present, indistinct murmur of people and muffled beats of music competing with one another, which I was constantly subjected to in the dorm house, the intense quality of the silence wasn’t as welcome as I had expected it to be. It was deafening in and of itself.

Unpacking my stuff took me less than five minutes. I treated myself to a lengthy shower afterwards. The bathroom was large and luxurious, with a bathtub and separate shower stall. The washer and dryer were in the laundry-room. While I dried my long hair, pawing at it with a big towel that I boldly decided to borrow, I couldn’t stop my fingers from flipping open the medicine cabinet. Three of the four shelves were empty. The bottle of ibuprofen was innocent enough, but my eyes widened at the discovery of a supply of condoms. I slammed the cabinet shut, as if that could make me un-see it and I stared at my own reflection quizzically.

All this time I thought I had ruined him with my unkind words and harsh treatment. I had envisioned him to be the same, slight, susceptible boy I knew, only perhaps a little taller, looking at me with the same, frightened, distrusting gaze; a young man plagued by a bleak childhood, growing up to be disturbed, with a distorted view of the world, hearing an insult in every thoughtless remark, understanding every compliment to be sarcasm.

Had it been egotistical of me to think that I would have affected him to that extent? Clearly my concerns were at least somewhat misguided. He might simply veil his dislike with politeness, but there was no mistaking the lack of fear; the vulnerability was replaced with apparent confidence. And he seemed perfectly well-adjusted. He looked healthy and fit and based on his choice outfit he was aware of the fact that he had grown up handsomely, dressing to accentuate his long legs, strong thighs, small waist, defined chest and toned arms. And if the condoms were any indication, his attractiveness had not gone unnoticed by others.

Maybe my feelings of guilt had been unfounded. Maybe I had given myself too much credit and Heero too little.

The meeting rang in a very weird period in my life. In spite of the fact that we were roommates, I didn’t see much of Heero. He was rarely home. Of course I questioned if it had always been that way or if he purposefully made himself scarce to be away from me as often as possible. Whenever I did see him, though, he was always polite, with his lips curved into a small smile and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. The gangly, uncoordinated teenager had been replaced by a self-aware, precise figure and it was… _distracting_.

You see, I had been so vicious with my name-calling when I was younger because I believed that the louder and more often I called Heero a _faggot_ , the less people would suspect that I was struggling with my own sexual orientation. Making his life harder, made my life that much easier, or so I chose to believe. I wouldn’t realize until later, when I came to terms with my sexuality, that each of those harsh words would scar me as much as they did Heero – even more so, it seemed; I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him and he had all but forgotten about me.  I was gay and I could no longer deny it, not to myself and not to others.

Being his roommate, catching glimpses of him brushing his teeth at the bathroom sink with nothing but a towel wrapped low around his hips and sitting on the couch when he came home from his morning run in those impossibly tight shorts, was torturous.

My thoughts of Heero became of a different nature. Whereas my thoughts were once marked by pity, they were now stained with lust. It was as jarring as having someone spill scalding hot coffee in your lap. I would literally flinch at times at the intensity of these new fantasies.

All I could do to reign in that unforgivable desire was to bury it underneath the crushing weight of my textbooks. As was initially the plan, I studied more than I ever had before. 

When midterms were over and the waiting-game for my grades began, I gave myself the night off, noticing I looked even more horrible and exhausted than I felt. Heero was away for the evening, as he usually was. School, work, friends, I had no idea. We talked, but we never really _talked_. Our conversations were about the weather, local news, demonstrations in the quad and who finished the milk.

With the place to myself, I decided to make use of the large television in the living room. I made a nest for myself on the couch with the pillow and blanket from my bed, arranging snacks and drinks around me and after flipping through about a hundred channels I finally settled on a high-octane action movie, with lots of shaky camera movements, flashing lens-glares and sudden noises and every other gimmick that was supposed to excite the audience. The movie was funny for all the wrong reasons. I amused myself with my own, sad spin on a drinking game; popping a milk-dud every time the main character said ‘Oh God’. The box was empty before the halfway point of the movie.

I had one of my flinch reactions when the door opened a quarter to eleven and Heero looked surprised to find me sitting on the couch. I had been cooped in my room the entire time, pouring over my studies.

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t expect you back so early.” I looked apologetically at the clutter that I had surrounded myself with. I started clearing things away. Most days Heero got back so late that I wouldn’t even hear him come home. Lately I had been sleeping like a log.

“That’s okay. Finish your movie.” Without pause he retrieved a beer from the fridge and then thought to ask: “Would you like one?”

“Uhm.” I didn’t really drink alcohol after I got sick on Grappa that one time in _Firenze_ – Florence. But I knew that if I said no this conversation would prove to be as short as any other we had had and it was really time for us to get to know each other a little. Although I still _remembered_ the old Heero Yuy, but this was an entirely new person and I hoped he viewed me as a changed person as well; I didn’t want to be the person I used to be. So to prolong the interaction, I finally replied: “Sure. Thanks.”

He got another bottle of beer and walked over to the couch to hand it over.

I could tell he would walk away as soon as the drop-off had occurred, so I asked: “You’re home early. What gives?”

“I got ditched by my friends. They’re making out in a closet somewhere.” He took a swig of his beer and looked at the screen pensively, he didn’t need to see much more than a single action sequence to know I was wasting a perfectly good Friday night. “What’s your excuse? Midterms are over. Typically, Freshmen celebrate the end of midterm-exams quite excessively.”

I shrugged. “I don’t really like parties. I haven’t really clicked yet, you know?”

From his look it was obvious he didn’t understand my point.

“I haven’t assimilated into the college-life yet,” I explained. “And it doesn’t help that I have failed to make friends so far. It was such a culture-shock, starting school this fall. I feel like my head is still clogged with Parisian train schedules.” I cringed at the way I tried to crowbar a personal topic into the conversation.

“It’ll get easier,” He said, though his dry tone did little to assure me. But he probably knew what he was talking about. Heero was a Junior, he was ahead of me because it didn’t take him two years to finish his senior year of high school and he didn’t have to waste any time to go soul-searching in the London Underground. He completely ignored my attempt to bring up my year of back-packing through Europe, which I figured would have been a good way to introduce him to the new-and-improved Duo Maxwell. He took another drink from his beer, never taking his eyes off the screen. He glared at the way in which the movie blatantly defied the laws of physics. “Well, goodnight.”

I watched him leave, disappearing into the dark hallway. His bedroom was at the very end. “Goodnight…” Was my belated response, so delayed he probably hadn’t heard it.

I turned off the TV and cleaned up the mess I had made. The beer I poured out in the sink after only a single taste. It tasted even more bitter than I remembered, especially after all that awkwardness. I went to bed, grateful that sleep would at least come to me quickly in the blissful silence of the apartment.

My grades came back good, which allowed me to relax a little and with the measurable improvement, my father was also less on my case. Him and I hadn’t been getting along for a couple of years now, not since I watched him stumble off his pedestal. My whole life I was made to believe that my father – the war hero – was an incomparable kind of man; made of unbreakable moral fiber. A great big oak tree rooted in strength, honor and values. Although that made me feel insignificant in his shadow, I would have preferred for things to remain that way. I could handle my father looking down on me as long as I actually believed him to be the better man. However, since he was uprooted, I couldn’t stand him anymore, much less his involvement in my life. I went by the house to show him my B’s and that one A-, as we had agreed I would, and then I left just as quickly, ignoring his invite for dinner.

Classes calmed down a little, everything felt less hectic and there was less pressure. Things wouldn’t start to get crazy again until the next exams neared. Students and professors alike seemed to forget the inevitable approach of finals every semester. I didn’t mind the quiet before the storm. I was proud of myself for being able to turn things around as quickly as I had. A few more grades like the ones I had earned during midterms and my GPA would approximate ‘respectable’ again. I rewarded myself with music.

There was a piano in the music hall that students could sign up for to use and I blocked off every eight to nine o’clock timeslot of the week.

There had been a point in my life, not too long ago, when I thought I would never touch the ivory keys again. The music, however crisp and melodious, was a soundtrack to pain and suffering that I couldn’t bear to hear anymore. But music had a way of simply _happening_ to me. I realized it one day in a café in Berlin. I had taken a seat by the window. Watching the dreary weather put me at ease, because the world seemed as dour as I felt and validated my mood. I rested my hand on the table and my fingers moved in a seemingly random patterned, until I actually _heard_ Shubert’s Sonata No. 2 in A major. I heard it so clearly I thought, momentarily, the barista had changed the channel of the radio, replacing the European pop with classical music, until I realized that I was hearing the notes in my head as my right hand absentmindedly played.

I knew that even though it hurt to play, I had no choice but to continue. I could stop, but the pain would become a phantom pain and would continue to haunt me with equal fervor.

My parents fancied me a child prodigy ever since I first touched the keys of the piano at my grandparents’ house. Imagine their disappointment when I announced in my mid-teens that I didn’t want to become a concert pianist, instead I wanted to teach. They were horrified. They accused me of wasting a gift, but I didn’t see it that way. The gift was in my ears, not in my fingers. Every song I played sounded genius to them, but I could hear the mistakes. I could from a very young age, from when my brother first started taking guitar lessons. I was seven when I heard him play and with my limited vocabulary I tried to explain to him that the sound was wrong, I said: “The guitar sounds dirty”. It wasn’t just his amateurish handling of the strings – he was only eleven years old and a beginner -, the instrument itself had been out of tune, but I couldn’t make them understand, I didn’t even fully understand it myself. His playing was like nails scratching a chalkboard.

When he got better and our parents bought him a new guitar, it started to sound wonderful, albeit far from perfect and as I started taking piano lessons we would sometimes play together and I could hear us both improve. It was the greatest joy I had ever experienced and when my playing reached a plateau that I simply couldn’t get past – my fingers too stiff and uncoordinated -, I realized that my future wasn’t about the further pursuit of my own musical genius, but instead to help others grow. Playing an instrument was so therapeutic and educational, the devotion, discipline and sense of achievement involved in the process of learning to play was something I wanted to help others with.

So I never did further research into conservatories and instead decided early on that I would enroll in a local college to study Music Education. It was good to finally be there and to move forward again. It invigorated my passion and after only playing in bars and cafés to earn tips from patrons, it was a treat to hear the notes of a properly tuned piano in the excellent acoustics of the music hall.

For whatever reason, as I played Chopin, Debussy and then later took a stab at Liszt – a piece I never managed to play to my satisfaction – I remembered those living room concerts my parents forced me to give every major holiday, Thanksgiving included.

I was fifteen and had already decided I wanted to become a piano teacher. Odin, sensing my parents dismay at this decision, tried to throw me for a loop when he pushed Heero onto the bench next to me, declaring him my very first student. I taught him simple melodies that required few keys and zero technique, but when I caught my brother’s grin, I embarrassed Heero by playing the aria from a piece by Bach, forcing him to copy me, as if I had just played something simple and he was stupid for not getting it. He tried bravely, his expression one of absolute focus. Of course he failed, not able to recount the notes, he pressed the keys in a nonsensical pattern but when he finished he looked at me in defiance, like he had just nailed it, against all odds.

Coincidentally it was the last Thanksgiving our families spent together. It was the last I had seen of him, before moving into his apartment. In hindsight, I realized it had been my first glimpse of this new Heero Yuy; one that would learn to hide his pain, so others could no longer take pleasure from it.

I suspected this coping mechanism explained Heero’s politeness, which I certainly didn’t deserve.

The next day, still searching for a way to show him that I had matured and was actually a nice guy, I went to the grocery store and got every I needed to make seafood paella. It was one of the few recipes I had actually managed to get right, after several instances of trial and error.

I had no idea if Heero would be home for dinner, he rarely was, but I hoped he would stop by the apartment so I could at least invite him to join me. Hopefully the smells would tempt him to cancel any other plans he might have had.

It was a quarter to seven and dinner was almost done when I started to realize I was going to have to eat a whole pan of paella by myself, or otherwise let it go to waste. Just as I took a single plate out of the cabinet, the front door opened and I smiled.

“Hey, roomie!” I greeted him far too cheerfully.

He was immediately suspicious of me, stopping dead in his tracks and eying the apron I had purchased for the occasion.

“Dinner is almost ready,” I said. “Would you like to join me?” I grabbed a second plate and placed it on the breakfast bar.

He glanced down at his watch and I figured he would blow me off with the excuse that he was already running late for yet another evening of social activities that could not be missed, but he surprised me when he said: “Yeah. Okay. Thanks.”

Every single one of the few syllables made me smile more brightly. “Cool. Take a seat!” I ripped the refrigerator door open and produced the pitcher of Sangria that I had prepared earlier. It was more a fruity drink than an actual wine, which was probably why I could stomach it. I poured him a glass, some of the liquid spilling as chopped pieces of peach, pineapple and lemon plopped into to the glass. 

“You went through a lot of trouble,” He observed and he took a seat at the bar.

“No trouble! I enjoyed doing this and the smells take me right back to Spain.” Surely he would inquire about my trip through Europe this time around, right?!

He didn’t say anything. He took a sip of his Sangria and nodded appreciatively. His tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip and the fact that I didn’t just notice it but actually watched it happen in slow-motion was a bit disturbing.

“By the time I reached Barcelona, I ran out of cash, so I did the dishes in this amazing, local restaurant for a couple of weeks and the sous-chef was a really nice guy. He taught me some recipes.” I rambled.

He smiled, but he merely took another sip, I assume as an excuse to not have to comment.

“I hope you’re hungry.”

“Starving. I skipped lunch today.”

“Oh, that’s good!” I frowned at myself. “No, I don’t mean- obviously _that’s_ not good, but it’s good that you’ve worked up an appetite. Although you definitely shouldn’t skip meals, that’s not healthy.” I nearly went cross-eyed and was out of breath by the time I managed to put a stop to that string of words.

His smile brightened. I had no reason to suspect it to be disingenuous, but I still felt like it had to be an act. How could he possibly be nice to me after everything I had done to him?

Regardless, I was going to turn it all around. I was going to earn his smiles.

I put the big pan of paella on the bar and filled up his plate with three large spoonfuls, making sure to give him plenty of the shrimp and mussels. I sat down next to him and served myself.

“Bon profit,” I said, smirking at him.

“Is that Spanish?”

“Catalan. Most people in Barcelona speak Catalan, especially to foreigners who bothered to learn Spanish, they love seeing them squirm.”

He smiled and took a bite of rice.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek before actually digging into my meal. We both fell silent and I hated that. I tried to keep the conversations going by asking him about his plans for the evening.

“Just meeting a couple of friends.”

“Oh.” He was always ‘meeting a couple of friends’. “Do you have a lot of friends?” Shit, I thought to myself, realizing that might be interpreted as disbelief.

“No,” Was his dry response.

I watched him eat and took note of the fact that he was purposefully eating around the seafood. “Why aren’t you eating the shrimp and mussels? I assure you they are fresh and I prepared them well, you don’t have to worry.”

He shrugged. “The rice and the vegetables are good.”

“Yeah, but the whole point of _seafood_ paella is the seafood. I know some people think shrimp and mussels look kind of gross, but it’s really delicious-”

“I’m a vegetarian,” He supplied.

My mouth formed a silent ‘O’. “I’m- I’m sorry… I didn’t know.”

“That’s okay.” He brought another forkful of rice and vegetables to his lips.

“No. It’s not.”

“Really, it is. I’ll just eat around it, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine!” I slammed my fists on the counter top, startling him. Chickpeas rolled off the fork that he held limply, he was staring at me. “We’ve been living together for over a month and I didn’t even know you’re a vegetarian!” My intense frustration expressed itself as anger. It was unintentional and couldn’t be helped in the heat of the moment.

“That’s okay. That’s not your fault.”

I was yelling at him and still he was being so _goddamn_ polite! “No, it’s not my fault! I keep trying to talk to you but all you ever do is nod and smile at my non-jokes. It’s weird! We’re living together, but we don’t know anything about each other. We’re strangers. I can’t stand it!”

He straightened up in his seat. “I know who you are.” For the first time his voice was cold and I knew exactly what he was referring to. With the flick of a switch he had dropped the polite act.

I softened my tone as I hoped to convince him: “I’m not the kid you used to know. I’ve changed. That’s what I have been trying to tell you. I’ve done a total 180!”

He regarded me critically. “You didn’t ‘do a 180’,” Heero retorted with a snort. “You’ve done a 360.”

I reeled back. I wasn’t prepared for his harsh tone, nor the glare that he focused on me. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re still an ass-kisser,” He bit. “You’re the kind of guy that would do anything to be liked. You were a petty bully just so you could impress your brother and the big jocks at school, because those were the people whose good graces you needed to get by. Now you’ve moved into my place and you’ve figured you have to get on my good side, so now you are blindly trying to please me. Tell me Duo, if I thought it was funny, would you stuff someone into a locker?” He rose out of his seat. “Or literally piss on a guy in the showers after gym while others hold him down? Or leave little love-notes signed with the name of a boy who had nothing to do with it?”

I shrank into myself as I had my past deeds thrown into my face. This was how I expected him to react in the first place and I thought that the carefully thought-out speech and heartfelt apology would come out of me the way I had rehearsed it many midnights in European hostels, but my lips were sealed shut and after a moment I couldn’t even make eye-contact with him anymore. I was disgusted with myself.

“I don’t want to get to know you because I already know everything I need to know: that I don’t want to be your friend.”

I winced at his words. “If you feel so strongly about it, why did you agree to give me the spare room and why have you been so nice to me?”

He sighed. “Because of your brother.”

I snapped my head to look up at him. “Your dad told you?”

He looked away. He felt bad now for yelling at me, I could tell, because he pitied me. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

“Why? He was the one who started it all, so I suppose you were happy to hear he is _dead_.” I wiped a hand across my cheek and hoped I caught the tear before he could notice.

“Of course not. I won’t pretend that I didn’t wish him ill when I was young, but I never meant it. Not really.”

“No?”

“I thought I did. I thought I really did prefer him to just… _die_. I thought I did until the moment my father told me he had actually passed away.” He looked at me poignantly. “As soon as he said it, I realized how wrong I had been. Nobody deserves to die.”

I scoffed. “Maybe he did… He was an asshole and a fool.” I touched the silver cross pendant on the necklace that I always wore. It burned my skin sometimes.

He frowned at my remark and didn’t know how to respond.

With renewed resolve I pressed on: “But I assure you, I’m a changed person. I’m a better person  now.”

“Did your brother’s death make you want to be a better person?” He spat.

“No.” I shook my head. It was the truth. After his death I was more angry than I had ever been, a gluttonous kind of anger that consumed everything and made me more cruel than before and without conscience. I enjoyed being a black hole, the jagged edges of which cut sharply into all those around me. “I didn’t want to be a better person until I realized I couldn’t be any worse. First, I had to sink all the way down to rock bottom before I could thrust myself up again.” I chuckled bitterly and explained: “My year in Europe, away from it all, were my ‘swimming lessons’. I won’t sink anymore, I can swim now. It’s a lot of hard work but I won’t go back to that dark place.”

All he did was stare.

“Tread water with me, Heero? Just be honest with me and give me a chance to show you I’m one of the good guys now. Save your smiles for when I’ve actually said something you think is nice, or funny. And when it’s really funny, you might even want to laugh.” I grinned.

He sighed and eventually he sat back down and took another bite of paella. “Fine,” He mumbled with his mouth full.

“Thank you.” I smiled and picked up my own fork. I knew he was cooperating out of pity more than anything else, but I wasn’t too proud to accept it. “Next time, you cook.”

He rolled his eyes at me. It was better than those small, empty smiles he was giving me before.

It turned out Heero wasn’t easily amused. Not by me at least. But the first time I made him smile, knowing it was genuine, was magnificent. I was on the couch watching another stupid flick and just like the ‘Director’s Commentary’ option on a DVD, I wouldn’t shut-up; I commented on everything that appeared on screen. I said something that I didn’t even think was particularly funny, right when Heero stalked through the living room and he paused and smiled.

I was drunk on it from the first sight. I didn’t like the alcohol-induced buzz that most students chased after like rabid dogs, but I knew I would be chasing that intoxicating smile.

Things were looking up. I was enjoying my music. My grades were steadily improving. And Heero and I spent some more time together and I actually felt like I got to know him.

At first I thought he was one of those ‘my-body-is-my-temple’ kind of guys, rejecting the consumption of animal meat because of it, but he would later tell me that he simply didn’t enjoy the taste of it. And if his body was his temple, than he worshipped with beer and sweets. I supposed it didn’t matter much, clearly his physique could handle his sweet-tooth. French toast was his favorite and it actually made my stomach turn watching him drizzle sweet syrup on top of it and finish with a pinch of sugar on top. Growing up, his dad had been really strict about treats, Heero was never allowed to have any, so when he moved out of the house, he went a little overboard, he explained. He started to gain weight and he said that he didn’t want to transition from a kid being bullied for being too skinny, into an adult bullied for being too big. Thus, his rigorous work-out routine was born; a seven mile run every morning, sets of squats, push-ups, crunches and lunges during the day, whenever he had a couple of minutes to spare and to the gym four nights a week. Clearly, it worked wonders for him.

I felt like a total, lazy slob in comparison, so when our friendship was tentatively forming, I decided to give it a boost. The only way to spend more time with him, was to work _with_ his routine, not against it, and accompany him. A seven mile run I deemed too extreme, so I joined him at the gym. He had a special pass that allowed him to bring a buddy to the gym for free. I was proud and ecstatic to be that ‘buddy’. Until I actually tried to keep pace with him on the stair stepper. I had been lucky with my genetics. My shoulders were broad, my arms strong and reasonably toned and I had long legs with calves that looked more than decent in shorts, but my condition was abominable. I did better on the weights, but only marginally so.

But my determination to befriend him would not be underestimated. It motived me to continue to tag along, even though I was making a fool of myself. At the end of the two hour work-out, Heero sported a healthy flush – a ‘glow’, if you will – and modestly sized stains of sweat on his shirt; on his back, chest and under his arms. My shirt was completely drenched all the way through in the first half hour, my face was beet red for the entire duration of the exercise and by the time I dismounted whatever machine-of-torture we did last, I stood on shaky legs.

Heero could have given me a hard time about that, he had earned the right, but it was never more than lighthearted banter and he always made me feel good about myself by complimenting my efforts once we hit the showers.

_Oh, the showers._

There were private shower stalls but everyone got dressed and undressed in the open area of the locker room. I never saw anything, because I purposefully turned away whenever I noticed he was about to pull the towel away from his waist, but the mere thought of him being naked – still wet from his shower and with that damn _glow_ -  was enough for my face to go red all over again.

I hated working out, but I stuck with it and not only because of Heero, but also because I liked the results. I had never been so fit in my life. My arms were big and muscular, my chest was toned and I was pleased to see a hint of shadows on my abdomen, indicating a forming six pack. And all those spin classes had made my thighs strong and my calves thick. I liked the spin classes the best, not because of the results I could see and feel in my legs, but more importantly because I always found an excuse to mount the bike behind Heero’s and the view during the out-of-the-seats part, standing up on the pedals and leaning forward onto the steering wheel, was very motivating to go faster.

Luckily we also did things together that I enjoyed. We shared mostly quiet dinners and more and more often we would spend the night on the couch together, picking apart whatever flick happened to be on. Heero seemed to enjoy these movie-nights enough to cancel or reschedule other plans, at least once a week. Or he just latched onto any excuse to eat buttered-popcorn. Whatever his reasons, I was happy. We shared a dry, cynical kind of humor and we ended up making the other laugh a lot.

I didn’t yet dare to tell him, but he was the first real friend I had ever had.

I was almost going to risk ruining that friendship when I was about to ask him if he wanted to go on a date with me. Ill-advised, I knew that, but I felt like I had to try. I didn’t know for certain if Heero was gay, but I had been getting some vibes, whatever that may mean. I had been working up the courage to ask him when I met _him_.

_The boyfriend_.

It was so unexpected that my brain froze up. For an uncomfortably long period of time all I could do was stare at him, while thinking to myself: _Goddammit, Maxwell, say something! Say Something! Anything!_ And then my mouth finally produced words and of course I regretted it instantly. I said: “Wow, you are the tallest Asian I’ve ever met.”

The black-haired man with angular features raised his eyebrow at me. Logically, he couldn’t think of a dignified way to respond to that and he was left just as stunned as I had been. He looked back at Heero, with confusion clearly written across his face.

“I’m just joking, man!” I tried to brush it off. We shook hands for a proper introduction, but he kept looking at me oddly.

Chang WuFei was a handsome, tall man, almost as tall as I was. His black eyes were calculating as he scrutinized me without ever uttering a single word. He was dressed stylishly in dark blue jeans, a white shirt and a black leather jacket. A blue scarf was draped casually around his neck.

I didn’t know why Heero had never mentioned him before. As Heero struggled to make the meeting a little less awkward, he told me how they met and although I was barely able to pay attention I did catch him saying that they had been going out for a couple of years. _Years!_ I felt like Heero was telling me he was a vegetarian all over again. Who was this guy I was living him? I thought I knew him, but clearly I had been proven wrong once more. You’d think him being in a steady relationship would have come up at some point…

_Well, fuck, at least now I know he’s definitely gay_ , I thought to myself. Not helpful at all.

The couple didn’t stick around for long, thankfully. WuFei had just come by to pick Heero up for their date.

“Have fun, you kids,” I said, waving them off. _God, I am so awkward_.

I dropped down onto the couch and stared at thin air. I couldn’t fathom why Heero had kept him a secret. He even seemed nervous when he came home from the library and saw me in the living room, he had expected me to be at the music hall, but I had switched my practice to the late afternoon time-slots. To open up my evenings for a potential date, actually. When WuFei knocked on the door he wanted to leave without introducing us, but WuFei stepped inside and insisted on a formal greeting. If I had been at the music hall, like I was ‘supposed’ to be, I _still_ wouldn’t have known anything about the guy’s existence.

It was a secret.

_Fag! Cock jockey! Mary! Sissy boy!_

Even after all the progress we had made, Heero was still afraid I would judge him for his sexuality.

“Oh, God,” I groaned. I had been pining after him all this time and he had been hiding his sexuality because he thought I might still be a homophobe! “Well done, Maxwell.”

I waited on the couch for Heero to return. At some point I contemplated going to the grocery store to get him a peace-making-offer from the candy aisle, but decided against such cheap tactics.

It was a long wait and I fell asleep on the couch.

When I woke up bright daylight poured into the apartment and I heard Heero work the fruit-juicer as he prepared his healthy, morning smoothie. I sat up slowly. There was a sharp pain in my back from sleeping on the couch in  a contorted position. I blinked at the sight of him.

He had gotten back from his morning run. He was wearing those skintight black shorts and a fitted white T-shirt which was stained by his sweat. The wet spots on the shirt made the fabric see-through. I could see the muscles of his back and behind tense up with every piece of fruit and vegetable that he fed into the machine, forcing it through the opening. Even with the machine humming and sputtering, I could hear the beat of his up-tempo music, coming from his earplugs.

He was unaware of my newly attained state of consciousness until he turned around to fetch a big glass from a cabinet. He paused and pulled out one of the earplugs. “Good morning.”

“If you say so,” I croaked.

He poured the muddy orange concoction into the glass and when there was some left-over, he offered me a serving.

“No thanks.” I made a face at the less-than-appetizing sludge.

He shrugged his shoulders in a judgmental ‘suit yourself’ kind of way and took a big drink from the glass.

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend?”

He gulped down about half of his breakfast before placing the glass on the counter. Without looking at me, he replied: “Because I knew you would get all weird about it. You proved me right, too. You behaved like such an idiot.”

“The only reason I behaved like an idiot is because you made me one!” I defended myself. “I was totally caught off guard. If you had just told me-”

“If I had told you, things would have gotten weird that much sooner. We were finally getting along, I didn’t want to ruin that.”

I paused at that, at the acknowledgement that our relationship was indeed improving and not just him playing a game of pretend with me. “This doesn’t ruin our friendship.”

He raised his eyebrows at me. “You stared at him for the longest, most uncomfortable two minutes of my life and then all you could muster were stupid jokes! If that is how you are going to behave around us now that you know, I was perfectly right not to tell you.”

“I was at a loss for words! Can you blame me? You’ve been dating this guy for _years_ and I didn’t even know. I was about to ask you out,” I blurted – #nofilter -, “and then someone strolls into _our_ apartment and says: ‘Hi, I’m Heero’s boyfriend’. I’m sorry, I’m not so suave that I can bounce back from that just like that,” I snapped my fingers to illustrate my point.

He stared at me, his jaw slack, his eyes confused and deeply hooded by his frown. All he managed after what seemed like an eternity of silence was a baffled: “What?”

Knowing which part of my monologue befuddled him, I dropped my hands limply down to my sides, my entire body deflating and I admitted sheepishly: “I was planning on asking you out. Just… hadn’t gotten around to it yet.”

He looked offended. “Are you serious right now?”

Recognizing it was a delicate subject, based on our shared history, I assured him: “Yes. Like you said, we’re getting along. I thought, maybe, that we got along well enough to, perhaps, warrant a… uh… date… type… situation… thing.”

He didn’t look any less confused. “You’re _gay_?”

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Technically, this would count as my first coming-out experience, if one insisted on quantifying the ‘coming-out-experience’ as telling someone, who previously believed you to be straight, that you are not. All the other people in my life either knew from the get-go that I was gay, or they still believed I was gung-ho for pussy. My father belonging to the latter category, among others. “Yes.”

Heero started laughing; a bitter, twisted laugh.

“Uhm… okay…” I bit my lower lip and watched him awkwardly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. How _should_ I react?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“I can’t tell you how to react but… a villainous cackle was not exactly what I had been expecting.”

“You expected differently?” He cocked his head. “You give me shit about looking ‘faggy’ and ‘girly’ and ‘whimpy’ and you wear your brother’s cross around your neck, but you expected… what? That I should have known? Should my spider-sense have been tingling?”

“Look, I apologized for how I treated you and I meant it. I don’t stand by what I said back then. I was a confused kid. I thought that if I would call you a ‘fag’ people would never suspect that I was one.” I touched the cross routinely. “And the cross has nothing to do with any of this.”

“So you’re gay,” He concluded dryly and put his hands on his hips.

“Yes, I think we’ve sufficiently established that.” I was getting annoyed and bitter.

“Right.” He bit back. “And you’ve been gay all this time…”

“Maybe we’re born with it, maybe it’s Maybeline, I don’t know,” I shrugged. “But yeah, I think so.”

“Sure. But let me get this straight – excuse the pun. When I was a scrawny, odd-looking kid you threw me under the bus so you could be popular. Now that I’m hot, you want to date me?”

_Yeah, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty bad._ “It’s not like that, though.”

“It seems like it.”

It was true that when I had thought of Heero in the past, before our reunion, I never thought of him a romantic, pining kind of way. I never even thought of him as a friend, just a poor boy I had wronged. When I first saw him again, of course I noticed his physical beauty, it was as obvious as a lighthouse on a clear night; a beacon drawing your attention. But as I _lusted_ after him I never considered doing anything about that. As long as it was only lust, I knew it was wrong to act on it. However, my feelings for Heero had evolved. Love – even at only four letters – was too big of a word for it, but I could state, without question, that I had fallen for him. It was my attraction to his off-beat personality that made me realize my feelings had every right to be. They were genuine. In the past, I didn’t know him well enough to fall for him as a person and I admitted that was my own, selfish fault, but it didn’t change the fact that he was more than ‘a hot guy’ to me. I wanted to date him because I thought there could be something there. I tried to explain this to him, using my words carefully to avoid further upsetting him or further embarrassing myself.

He relaxed a little. He was less defensive, but no less bewildered at the revelation.

“Trust me, it won’t be an issue.” I approached him and hoped my expression would convey my sincerity. “I got a little weird yesterday, but I won’t act like that again. WuFei seems like a cool dude. Clearly, he has to be, or you wouldn’t be going out with him for so long. I won’t get in your way. I won’t try anything. I won’t take pictures of you while you sleep and sniff your underwear-”

He made a face and I realized how awkwardly inappropriate my attempt at a joke was.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” I amended. “But you know what I mean. I won’t be weird. Not to you. Not to WuFei. I promise.”

“Okay. Good.” He nodded in agreement and that was the end of it.

As absent as WuFei had been since I moved in, he made his re-entry into the apartment deliberately noticeable. He came over _all_ the time. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Heero had confided in him that I had been about to ask him out and WuFei felt the understandable need to establish himself as Heero’s boyfriend; to make his presence be felt after being non-existent as far as I knew. He was catching up on missed opportunities to show any contenders that Heero was off-limit.

I was sympathetic to the impulse, but put off by it on principle.

The age-old cliché proved true. _The things you can’t have, are the things you desire most_. I was like a kid being denied access to the cookie jar and now I especially couldn’t stop looking at it and I could swear I smelled the sweetness of crumbly chocolate-chip cookies.

Luckily, Heero wouldn’t let it interfere with our friendship. Perhaps because he didn’t even realize WuFei was uncomfortable with our closeness. As honest as he was with WuFei, it didn’t seem like WuFei wasn’t being entirely forthcoming with him.

I wanted to dislike WuFei and I wanted to magnify his errors to make them visible to his boyfriend, but I couldn’t. He wasn’t doing anything I wouldn’t do if a catch like Heero was mine. In fact, I probably would have been a dick about it, but WuFei was nice and civilized and not in that fake kind of way either. The vibe that entered the room with him was this insufferable, yet likeable:

_Hi, I’m Heero’s boyfriend and I’m awesome, by the way._

His major was Biological Engineering and he was at the top of his class. In his spare time – aside from rocking Heero’s world, I supposed - he volunteered at a refugee shelter and did charity work for the local Planned Parenthood clinic, organizing events to bring in donations. There was some deeply personal motivation behind his involvement in the latter, but we didn’t know each other well enough for him to share that with me. Regardless, the man was a saint. He scored extra points by making it a point to accompany Heero on his morning run as often as he could, they would meet up at the park. Except for one weekend every month when he would fly all the way to his hometown in China to stay connected with his family. He was devoted and loyal beyond comprehension. To the point where you could almost argue it was a flaw. _Almost_. On top of everything we was easy to talk to, polite, patient, proud but not arrogant – no claims of infallibility, no problem with owning up to mistakes - and attentive; it was not uncommon for him to show up with groceries if he happened to have caught a glimpse of the shopping list stuck to the refrigerator the day before.

Watching them, I felt envy. They were so put-together. They had everything figured out. They had been dating since they met in their Freshman year. They had a routine of beautiful, effortless precision. They knew each other so well it was, at times, hard to distinguish one from the other; where did Heero end and WuFei begin and vice versa? The only thing I noticed was that they weren’t very passionate, but perhaps that was in my presence only and intentional, to spare my feelings. They were cool and calculating instead, it lacked heat. If I didn’t know they were a couple, I would have never guessed. Perhaps that was a natural part of the evolution of a relationship that was conceived nearly three years ago, but with them both being so young – and fit – I would have suspected more uncontrollable intimacy: suggestive gazes, lingering touches, those disgustingly ‘adorable’ nicknames couples tend to call each other.

_Seriously, maybe they should call each other ‘Lovebug’ and ‘Muffin’ on occasion_ , I thought to myself, _maybe then I would be less weirded out, since, aside from the sex, they had more of a brotherly dynamic_.

Was that jealousy rearing its ugly head? Being so inferior to WuFei – this admirable specimen of an otherwise grossly flawed human breed – I supposed the only way to salvage my pride was to let myself believe that I _could_ make Heero melt with passion, have him stare at me lustfully and not be able to take his hands off me.

That was how my fantasies entertained me at night and sometimes, most inconveniently, during the day.

I didn’t really talk much with WuFei, whenever he was at the apartment, he was there to see Heero and I steered clear of the pair as much as I could. I wasn’t a total glutton for punishment.

We didn’t talk much, until one night.

**TBC…**

**This story was not written with chapter-breaks in mind, so ‘cliffhangers’ like this will likely be the norm. However, unlike my other stories, you can expect updates regularly. I want to focus on my other stories again, but I plan to update “Three” at least once a week! If that is something you want, let me know, and hold me to it should I forget.**

 


	2. Part Two

**Part Two**

 

I had studied into the wee hours of the night and was feeling peckish. I snuck out of my bedroom and tiptoed to the kitchen. As quietly as possible I searched kitchen cabinets for something to snack on, only then remembering Heero had been bugging me to the groceries today – it was my turn – and I hadn’t gotten around to it. I contemplated finishing the last of his treasured cookie dough ice cream, weighing my options, but I quickly came to the conclusion that he would likely murder me. The bag of stale doritos would have to do.

The bag was a bitch to open and the crackling sounds were deafening, like fireworks exploding right by my ear.

“Munchies?”

My body flinched violently. “Mother of- Fuck!” I exclaimed. I placed my hand over my chest, feeling the racing heart underneath the rubs. “You scared me.”

“It looks like it.” His voice was monotonous, but he was smirking.

“It’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.”

“ _Heart attacks_ are not funny,” I stressed. I took a deep breath and dropped my hand from my chest. I bent down to get the bag of doritos that I had practically thrown to the kitchen floor in my fright. Luckily I hadn’t yet managed to pry it open.

He watched me pick at the bag and pointed out: “You don’t have to be so quiet. Heero is a deep sleeper. So deep it worries me sometimes.”

“Oh.” Once the bag was open I popped a chip into my mouth and then offered him some.

“No thank you.”

I looked him up and down. He was dressed in his jeans and the fancy button-up shirt he had worn for their date that night. I had heard them come in around midnight and figured WuFei would spend the night, but it looked like he was getting retting to leave at two thirty AM. “Going home?”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you ever sleep over?” The question was blurted thoughtlessly, but I was too interested to know the answer to immediately apologize and retract the inquiry.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t think that is any of your business.”

“You’re right,” Was my unfazed retort.

“It’s not like I don’t want to…”

I frowned.

“It’s not like Heero doesn’t want me to either,” He made sure to add.

“Okay…”

He sighed. “I guess not waking up together like some old, married couple is the one thing we have left to distinguish our relationship from that of an old, married couple.”

I nodded.

“We are a perfect fit, we really are. But we have become boring.” His expression was one of grief and regret.

“I noticed.” _Wow, geez, Maxwell, mister sensitivity!_ I thought to myself. I quickly stuffed my unwise mouth with a big chip.

He looked a little offended, although all I was doing was agreeing with his own observations. He bit back: “Don’t get any ideas.”

“What do you mean?”

“Heero told me you wanted to ask him out, before you knew about me.”

I was hardly shocked. I had guessed Heero would tell him.

“Before you come swooping in, just remember that I’m no out of the picture yet.”

I raised my free hand in surrender. “Look man, the point is, I _haven’t_ asked him out and I won’t ask him out. He’s with you, I get that. I respect that. Bro’s before…” I made a face and then a vague gesture. “You get what I mean.”

“Good,” He relaxed visibly. He was too good of a guy to hold grudges, too mature to be petty.

I chewed on another chip, the crunching sound was the only thing to fill the silence between us.

“Can I ask you something?” WuFei spoke up.

“No, I won’t go out with you,” I joked, but it fell flat. “Too soon? Never mind. Go ahead.”

“Heero told me your family is very religious.”

I realized that was not a question. “Yeah… Some of them, at least.”

“But you are gay.”

Still, he failed to ask an actual question. “Yeah.”

“Aren’t the two kind of difficult to marry?” He interlocked his fingers to illustrate his point.

“The two?”

“Your love for Jesus and your love for dick.”

I chuckled at his crass phrasing, I did not expect that from him. With a dismissive wave of my hand, I replied: “But I don’t love Jesus.”  

“Yet you wear the cross.” He nodded at my silver necklace.

“It’s my brother’s cross,” I clarified. “I don’t wear it because I’m religious. I wear it as a reminder.”

“A reminder of him?”

I shook my head and chewed on another chip. I was stalling, I didn’t quite know how to explain myself, I had never had to explain it to anybody before and while the jumbled mess in my own head made sense to me, I couldn’t expect others to understand. Finally, I answered: “A reminder that I need to be my own person and to not let other people’s bullshit dictate my behavior.”

He seemed interested. He took a step forward and leaned against the barstool.

I scoffed. “It’s a long story.”

“So?”

“So, it’s almost a quarter to three.”

“I’d like to know.” He demonstratively took a seat.

“ _Why?_ ”

“Because you’re my boyfriend’s roommate and the only thing I really know about you is that you used to be an asshole.”

Getting a little defensive, I said: “I don’t have to prove myself to you.”

“That’s true,” He agreed, but he remained seated and looked at me expectantly.

Telling him seemed to be the only way this was going to go and I didn’t even really know why I didn’t want to tell him. Just because I had never told the story before, didn’t mean I was purposefully keeping it a secret. It wasn’t a secret, really, just a story I hadn’t come around to telling yet. As weird as it was for WuFei to be the first person to hear my take on what happened, it might have been for the best. I could consider it practice. I imagined I would be telling this story many times over the course of my life anyway. “I don’t know where to start,” I admitted sheepishly. Perhaps, subconsciously, I was stalling. “I’m not even sure if I _know_ exactly where it all started.”

“That’s okay.”

I shrugged and decided: “I guess I should start by saying that my mom has always been really religious. Most would refer to her as a religious zealot, or God-fearing nut I suppose.”

WuFei frowned at the contempt in my tone of voice.

“My dad and I never really got into it. We tried to be respectful. We always waited for her to turn her back before we would roll our eyes at her… My brother was different though. He totally bought into it. He loved the whole song and dance. I don’t really know why. Sometimes I think the only reason he started going to church with our mother was to be closer to her, to have some kind of special relationship that she didn’t have with me, or even with our father. I don’t know… some kind of Oedipus-shit.” I waved my hand dismissively. “It doesn’t matter why he decided to start believing. He just did and he was as fanatic about it as our mom. Church. Bible study. The works.”

I glanced up at WuFei and was a little surprised to find I still had his undivided attention. “What I forgot to say is that my brother was really sick, ever since he was young. CKD: Chronic Kidney Disease. It’s manageable. He would get episodes and he would be bedridden and on medication, but he would always bounce back. It never got really bad. And of course that was because of all the _praying_ they did,” I rolled my eyes. “But when I was in my junior year, I got called home because my brother had been hospitalized. His kidneys were failing. They put him on dialysis, but the doctor said he would need a transplant.”

“And you couldn’t find a donor?”

I snorted. “I got tested right away. My father too. It turned out _I_ was a perfect match. We were going to schedule the surgery when- … When he told me that he wouldn’t accept my kidney because it was not what ‘God intended’. God made all people the way they were supposed to be. Undergoing a transplant would be tampering with God’s handiwork and that was unacceptable.”

WuFei seemed shocked.

“He refused the surgery, no matter how much I begged. My mother had his back and my father… he was too much of a coward to say anything. He just took a seat in the corner and watched as things got worse. My mother and brother would _pray_ , and that would have to be enough to save him.” I reached up and touched the cross. “He was in and out of the hospital for a couple of months, for his dialysis. But after a while, he wasn’t allowed to go home anymore. He needed to be hooked up on all the machines all the time.” I paused, took a deep breath and concluded: “The machine only bought him time. And praying did nothing. He died a year after he was supposed to take one of my kidneys. He could have lived, but he let himself die because he let someone else – God – control his life; be in charge of his decisions. He couldn’t think for himself anymore. It was always ‘WWJD’; what would Jesus do?”

WuFei nodded, but it seemed he was unable to produce a vocal response.

“After the sadness and the anger, I realized I was heading down the same path as my brother, only I was not trying to impress God, I was trying to impress _him_. For me, it was always: ‘WWSD’; what would Solo do?” I explained: “My brother’s name was Solo.”

He nodded again.

“I was a dick to Heero because my brother was a dick to Heero. I wanted to live by my brother’s rules, as I suppose most little brothers want. Solo’s surrender to his death made me realize that with everything I do or say, I have to think to myself – _for_ myself: is this right? Not according to God, not according to my brother. Do _I_ think this is right?” I looked down at the cross. “This thing reminds me that I shouldn’t fall back on anyone other than myself. I don’t know if I’m on the right path, but I know for sure I was on the wrong path before, so I had to do something different. But… yeah… that’s the story.”

“I think that is very impressive,” He said. “Commendable.”

“Thank you.” I smiled at him. “That means quite a bit, coming from a veritable saint like yourself.”

He laughed bitterly at that. “Hardly. I do things that I’m not proud of.”

I leaned in, intrigued. “ _Do_? As in: present tense?”

He shook his head at me. “No no. I’m not falling for that.”

“Come on, ‘Fei, tell me a story!” I prodded with a smirk.

“Fei?” He cocked an eyebrow at me.

“Would you prefer ‘Wu’?”

“I prefer ‘WuFei’,” He deadpanned.

“Tough. We’re friends now.” I decided and took another handful of chips from the bag. “I told you a deeply personal story, according to the universal laws of friendship I have thus earned the right to foreshorten your name as I see fit… WuWu.”

“If you’re going to bother with two syllables you might as well call me ‘WuFei’.” He was practically pouting.

“Not when my other options are so much more fun.”

He glared at me. “Is this your idea of doing the right thing?”

“I told you: it’s a work in process.” I grinned.

He sighed but I was pretty sure I saw an amused twinkle in his black eyes. “I think it’s best if I headed home.” Without further ado he slid off the barstool and walked out of the apartment.

I went back to bed, cradling the bag of chips in my arms. I couldn’t sleep that night. It wasn’t because I regretted sharing my personal story with WuFei – I actually felt good about it, it felt less heavy and crazy now that it had been put into words, without the earth splitting open and swallowing me while. It also wasn’t because of my frequent fantasies about Heero, I never minded it much when those kept me ‘up’ at night. I was curious about WuFei’s Freudian slip. What kind of things did the Chinese man do that didn’t make him proud? He seemed like such a straight-laced, proper character. Perhaps the more relevant and more important question was: Why did he continue to do these things that he wasn’t proud of?

I was intrigued. This shameful secret – whatever it was - brought WuFei down to my level. I didn’t mean that in a condescending, negative way.  It was an attractive quality, to find out he was just as human, just as flawed, as the rest of us. For the first time I felt a desire to get to know him better, not to dig up dirt on him and use it against him. I was genuinely interested. Ever since my change in lifestyle, I hadn’t been able to make many friends. I wanted to try to become friends with WuFei, but that would be a challenge.

Most people were put off by how resolute I was in my behavior and in my decisions. I was a bit of a ‘partypoop’ and the ever-present silver cross that was always noticeable against my pale skin didn’t make me appear any more likeable.

The thing about my new choice of lifestyle was that once I had decided something was _right_ , I went for it, unabashedly, unapologetically and really there was no stopping the inevitable; things would happen my way. I was tenacious like that. I would never force anyone to do something they didn’t want, so when they didn’t agree with me, I would cut them out of my life, to spare us both. I understood why that scared people. And since I could change my mind back just as quickly, people also had trouble pinning me down and deciphering what I wanted, a characteristic that didn’t exactly nourish friendship. People readily accused me of being flaky and they were right, but for me the most important thing was to be honest and be true to myself. Sometimes I pursued that goal in an insensitive manner and I never blamed past friends and acquaintances for not being willing to put up with my all-over-the-place way of living. I didn’t really have a handle on myself yet, I accepted that my idea of right and wrong was still evolving and I had to evolve with it, suddenly and forcefully if need be. I promised myself I would never let myself stagnate because it would benefit a friendship or a relationship.

My helter-skelter approach to life had calmed down a bit,  but still I had found Heero to be the only person able to put up with me and my moods. I suspected because, given our past, he valued my honesty above anything else as well. He needed me to be honest as much as I did, or else he would never be able to trust me, if I reverted back to my old ways of wanting to please people. He didn’t mind that sometimes that meant I felt compelled to tell him that the shirt he was wearing was ridiculous, tell him that his cooking was inedible, or we would have to switch seats in the movie theater a couple of times only for me to realize I wanted to see a different movie altogether, or cancel plans at the last minute. I was flaky with him, but he never held it against me, because he never had to worry that I was doing something simply to amuse him, or that I was playing games with him. And in turn I had to accept it when he called me an idiot and pointed out that my handwriting would be bested by a blind epileptic.

There was no bullshit between us anymore and thus a friendship between us worked.  

Since WuFei was a lot like Heero in many regards, maybe one more thing they had in common was that they were both people I could be friends with. I realized I would like that. I knew I had to let go of my fantasies of Heero anyway – I figured it was only a matter of time before his image would fade from my mind’s eye and I would imprint on someone new, that was how it always happened. I no longer wanted to write WuFei off as an obstacle that stood between me and my ill-advised crush.

My intention to see them both as my friends – Heero as nothing more and WuFei as nothing less – was turned on its head when WuFei’s secret was inadvertently revealed. And it was a secret he shared with his boyfriend.

My roommate had point-blank asked me to make myself scarce one Saturday night. I thought I knew exactly what that meant: that he wanted the apartment to himself for some unadulterated fun with his boyfriend. I was not entirely wrong, but…

I asked him how long he needed and he suggested that I should ‘go see a movie or something’. I did as instructed and made sure to stay away longer than the average movie runtime. I didn’t want to walk in on anything, that wouldn’t help me let go of my attraction to Heero, nor my jealousy of WuFei. After the two-hour movie that was basically a single, stretched-out action sequence of set pieces exploding in dangerous proximity to the cast of B-list actors, I took a detour home through the park and browsed through the magazines at the local grocery store where I picked up a bottle of orange juice and dish soap and strolled through the aisles trying to remember what else Heero had written on the list posted on the fridge.

_Kitchen towels?_ I wondered and decided to take a pack. It was probably something like that, I figured.

I was deliberately quiet entering the apartment. I assumed they had fallen asleep after what I imagined to be the most boring, uninventive horizontal tango possible, based on their passionless interaction in public. I didn’t want to wake WuFei. I had learned he had been right about Heero, the Japanese guy slept through everything.

I flicked on the light in the kitchen and put away the orange juice. I studied the list stuck to the refrigerator door. Heero’s fine, cursive script was enviable.

_Orange juice_  
Dawn dish soap  
Toilet paper

_Toilet paper, goddammit_. I grumbled inwardly and then shrugged as I put away the pack of kitchen towels. _Close enough._

On my way to my bedroom door I stopped in the middle of the living room when I noticed a jacket draped over the backrest of the couch. I didn’t know WuFei very well, certainly not well enough to know every piece of clothing he owned, but I _knew_ that was not his jacket. It was a bright red windbreaker with the ostentatious logo of a local college sports team on the back and on the sleeves. I moved in closer to inspect it – pondering the implications  - and I could smell the heavy stench of cheap cologne that impregnated the air surrounding it and probably permeated the fabric of the couch.

Expecting to feel relief that the relationship between WuFei and Heero wasn’t enough to stop him from seeking the company of others, I was surprised to find myself angry at Heero for cheating on his boyfriend. WuFei didn’t deserve to be treated like this! I was disappointed that Heero would do this him, it was a very unattractive quality. It caught me by surprise.

I jumped up when the bedroom door at the end of the hall opened and that _smell_ became even heavier when the football-loving stranger walked into the living room.

He paused when he saw me. “Uuhhh, how long have you been standing there?”

Clearly he was worried that I had heard something. I hadn’t, but there was no need. Heero’s request for me to leave the apartment in combination with finding this sleazy person here were all the clues I needed to piece things together. I glared at him, at his unwashed hair, at the graphic print on his T-shirt and at the big, black shoulder-bag he carried.

_What the fuck was in there?_

“I just came in,” I said and this seemed to put him at ease.

“Cool.” He walked past me and grabbed his shirt. He gave me an odd look, he didn’t understand why I was glaring daggers at him.

He called back to the bedroom: “Guys, I’m heading out!”

_Guys? Plural?_

Heero emerged from the bedroom wearing nothing but one of his sinfully tight and low-riding jeans. He stopped in his tracks when his blue eyes found me. “You’re home.”

I didn’t even have the time to offer a sarcastic reply to him, stating the obvious. I was shocked and confused to the point of incomprehension when WuFei appeared behind Heero, in just his underwear!

“Duo.” His black eyes widened. Of the three he was the only one apparently embarrassed at being caught in the act, although I wasn’t sure what ‘act’ I had walked in on exactly.

I was speechless. Were they having a threesome with that guy? I watched as the stinking football-fan left the apartment without saying another word. At the possibility my face contorted into a grimace and the first thing that popped into my mind was: they could do so much better. Heero and WuFei were both insanely hot, made all the more apparent by them standing before me only partially dressed and their hair tousled in the most incriminating way. Why would they invite a lanky, pale, _stinking_ guy into their bed?

When I finally spoke, I made little sense. “I’m… what? … confused… I don’t….” 

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Heero said coolly and he walked to the kitchen and got the bottle of orange juice I had purchased only half an hour ago and drank right from the bottle.

WuFei reached up a hand to straighten his hair, but he could not hide the evidence. Aside from his hair that was in a telltale state of disarray, his exposed chest was covered in a fine sheen of sweat and his bottom lip was swollen – one of them had sunk his teeth into it.

Eventually I asked the question that was, for whatever reason, most prominent in my mind: “Why _him_?”

The couple shared a confused look.

“Does he have like… a super big dick, or something?” I blurted. I was practically pouting, but I didn’t understand why. Did I want to be in a threesome with them? I didn’t even like WuFei that way.

“What?”

Realization dawned on WuFei, while his boyfriend’s frown remained. “We did not have a threesome with him.”

“Then what were you guys doing in there?” I dumbly inquired.

Black eyes darted to the slim figure in the kitchen. “You still haven’t told him?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It didn’t come up!”

I watched the exchange like a tennis-match, moving my head from left to right.

“Don’t you think he should know? I mean, it pays for all of this.” WuFei gestured around himself.

_The apartment? It pays for the apartment?_ “What pays for the apartment?”

They looked at me like they had both momentarily forgotten I was there.

“Isaac works for ‘Boyfriends Barebacking’,” WuFei explained.

“Isaac being the guy that was just here and…” I paused. “ ‘Boyfriends Barebacking’ as in… a porn site?” I looked at Heero, utterly shocked. I knew he was no longer the innocent boy I remembered, but this seemed too extreme.

“You didn’t seriously think a part-time job as tech-support was enough for a place like this, right?”

“Well, what the fuck do I know!” I did feel stupid all of a sudden. The apartment was too amazing and I should have suspected, but other than thinking to myself, in a passing manner, that it was strange he could afford a big place like this, I never doubted the tech-support story. Not even when I never actually saw him go to work nor hear him mention work. Before losing myself to this string of thoughts I shook my head and verified: “So you guys make porn videos?”

“What’s wrong with that?” Heero shot back, picking up on  my judgmental and accusing tone.

“I’m just-… I didn’t expect this.” I didn’t know how else to phrase it. “First it’s the vegetarian-thing. Then I find out you have a secret boyfriend and now this! It makes me wonder what other secrets you have. I thought we were being honest with each other.”

“I don’t have any secrets. And I am being honest, but you didn’t _ask_ me so I didn’t say anything.”

I nearly went cross-eyed giving him my most incredulous look. “What was I supposed to ask? ‘Hey Heero, do you pay rent by doing porn videos with your boyfriend?’ Seriously?”

“Don’t make it sound like we’re whoring ourselves off.”

“I’m not! But am I allowed to be shocked here? This is pretty… weird.” I turned to look at WuFei who had been keeping quiet. “And what about you? Was this the thing you weren’t proud of? Or do you have more secrets?”

Heero interjected, addressing his boyfriend: “What does he mean? What did you two talk about?”

“Nothing.”

“But you told him you weren’t proud of this?”

WuFei grumbled. “I’m not.”

“I thought you said you were okay with it!”

“I am okay with it!” He argued and once more they were ignoring my presence. “But I don’t have to be proud of it, right? This isn’t something we tell our family, or friends and for good reason. We are not exactly standing on the moral high ground here, so it’s not always easy for me.”

“Do you want to stop?”

“No…” He sighed. “I didn’t say that.”

Realizing I was in the middle of a lover’s quarrel – the last place anyone wants to be – I excused myself, ducked my head between my shoulders and headed for my bedroom.

Heero came after me: “You can’t tell your dad.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” I didn’t tell my father anything, now that my GPA was acceptable we hardly spoke. Our father-son relationship was conducted in its entirety over the phone and consisted of nothing more than the exchange of forced niceties. “I won’t tell anyone,” I promised solemnly and then scurried into my bedroom and hid myself there.

Through the walls I could faintly hear them continue their discussion, but not for long. It went quiet and after a few minutes I heard the front door open and shut, announcing WuFei’s departure. Then I heard Heero’s bedroom door close as well.

I couldn’t pinpoint what I felt, everything was overshadowed by the initial shock. My feelings were neither negative nor positive, I couldn’t decide. I wasn’t principally against porn, as a consumer I enjoyed my fair share of it and since they only slept with each other and not for strangers I couldn’t think of anything wrong with it. But still it was strange.

My gaze darted across my dimly lit room and found my laptop on the desk under the window. The thought that it was _out there_ , for everyone to see, myself included, was equal parts tantalizing and terrifying. The fantasies that I had entertained in the most secret recesses of my active imagination were merely a Google-search away. Clearly I didn’t fantasize about WuFei and Heero together, but the ability to see Heero _like that_ would likely negate the off-putting presence of his real-life boyfriend and with a slight stretch of my imagination I could probably supplant the Chinese man.

Even with those thoughts running through my head I stayed far away from my laptop. Internet access was dangerous at that point. It wasn’t right. My plan had been to stop regarding Heero in a sexual manner, watching him have sex with his boyfriend would hardly accomplish that.

The next morning was awkward beyond comparison. I was having my breakfast at the bar when Heero came back from his morning run. I stared into my bowl of soggy cereal with determination. It was all I could do to stop myself from noticing _everything_ in those tight shorts he always wore.

“Good morning,” He said between pants, casual as you please. 

“Morning…”

He grabbed the orange juice again but this time bothered to pour himself a proper glass. He stood at the other side of the bar, opposite of me, leaning his hipbone against the counter. He was staring at me and I suspected he was waiting for me to be the one to bring it up, but I refused. After a while, he wondered: “Did you watch our videos?”

I looked up at him sharply. “No! Of course not!” I came very close though. Too close. It was embarrassing.

“Oh.” He shrugged.

“You are very blasé about all of this,” I observed.

“I don’t care if you see it. Lots of other people have.”

“You have to admit that’s different.”

“Sure,” Was his dry reply and that was all he had to say about it.

Not able to contain my curiosity, I started asking the questions that I had wanted to ask the previous night: “How did you get into this?”

He made me wait for an answer as he first pulled his earphones out of his sweaty shirt and set his phone aside, switching off the up-tempo music that had still been playing. “I actually _did_ work as an at-home tech-support for a couple of months in my Freshman year,” He began. “That’s how I met Isaac, he was a colleague. He always treated himself to the latest tech; laptops, tablets, smartphones, cameras. I knew he couldn’t afford all that based on our salary, installing Word on some old people’s computers,” He rolled his eyes. “I asked him about it and he told me, very frankly, that he was working as a cameraman for this gay porn site.”

I raised my eyebrows. “And you were like ‘I want in on that’?”

“Not right away. I thought it was kind of creepy. He would go to people’s places and record them while they were jerking off or having sex. Sometimes a ‘director’ would go with him, but more often than not it would just be him. Anyway, around that time WuFei was saying that he wanted to visit his family in China more regularly, his stepmom had had a baby girl and he wanted to watch his sister grow up, but he couldn’t really afford it. I guess I complained about our money issues to Isaac a bit too much, because he said that he could get me a job as a model for the porn site, that way I could earn the extra cash.” He took another swig of orange juice. He was very matter-of-fact about it all.

“The website has this subseries called ‘Watch my boyfriend jerk off’, I only had to masturbate and I got paid a couple hundred bucks per video.”

“Whoa.”

He nodded. “That’s what I thought. So I did it, once. Just to give it a try and so WuFei could go back to China for his sister’s first birthday. I wasn’t planning on doing it more often, but it was so easy.”

“What did WuFei think about it?”

“He was against it, of course. But he came around. ‘The end justifies the means’ and all that. But he insisted on being there the next time, so I wouldn’t be alone with Isaac.”

I felt hot blood surge to my cheeks. “He would watch you jerk off while Isaac filmed everything?”

He nodded. “It was actually kind of… hot.” He smirked. “We would get paid even more if WuFei agreed to be in the shot as well. He didn’t have to do anything, just watch as he always did. The videos became really popular, don’t ask me why-”

_Because you are both hot as fuck_ , I thought to myself.

“Isaac arranged a pretty good deal for us. For those masturbation videos I’d get six hundred dollars.”

“Holy shit!”

“Obviously the site makes plenty of money, with monthly subscriptions and ads. They can afford it.”

“If it paid so well already, why did you decide to… actually have sex on video?” I wondered.

“Like I said, it was hot. WuFei would get really horny and after a while he wanted to participate and of course Isaac encouraged that. Eventually the deal was that we would each get double the fee that I used to get, if we had sex. Nowadays we both get fifteen hundred dollars for a single video. Even more when we experiment with toys or play into certain fetishes.”

I swallowed and needed a moment to get an interesting visual out of my mind’s eye. “How often do you shoot these videos?”

“Once or twice a month.”

I frowned at his answer. We had been living together for over half a year and I had never noticed Isaac’s stench in the apartment before.

Heero was able to read the question in my eyes and he said: “We’ve only done it here twice. When you were on that four day excursion to New Orleans for your Jazz course and then the other time when you had that showcase and you said it’d be like three hours.”

“ _That’s_ why you couldn’t come to my showcase?” I was a little offended, even more so than back then when he had given me a bullshit excuse why he wouldn’t be attending, even though I had earned the finale slot with my rendition of all three parts of Ravel’s ‘Gaspard de la Nuite’.

He continued, unfazed: “The other times I asked to do the shoot in the studio. I didn’t want to… bother you with this. I think ‘bother’ is the right word… I don’t mind people knowing, but I mind people meddling and I thought you would meddle and try to talk me out of it, out of guilt, or principle. Whatever.”

“Do you feel like you’re doing the right thing?”

He smiled, he recognized the question as the question that has played a prominent role in my own life, ever since I told him the full story of my self-discovery, shortly after I told WuFei. “I don’t feel like I’m doing the wrong thing. I like this apartment. I like that I can invest as much time as I need in my studies, I don’t have to worry about putting in the hours of a part-time job. I like that WuFei can watch his baby sister grow up. I think it’s a fair compromise.”

I didn’t know if I agreed and perhaps it was my imagination, but I wasn’t convinced Heero truly believed in this compromise either and part of me suspected was that the reason he didn’t want to tell me and didn’t want me to meddle was because he knew it would take little to persuade him to end this arrangement. However, I acknowledged that I might be putting words in mouth based on an idea that I wanted to be true, but wasn’t necessarily. I liked to believe that he didn’t think as lightly of this as he made it seem, but if I had learned anything, it was that Heero always managed to do the unexpected; whether I liked it or not. The question was simple and so was the answer: “I you feel you should do this, than you should do it. I won’t meddle.”

“Thank you.”

I shrugged. “It’s your decision.” Wanting to be adult about it, I added: “And even though we share this apartment now, that doesn’t mean that doesn’t mean you have to tiptoe around me. You don’t have to go to a studio or anything.”

“Really? You’re okay with it?”

“Sure.”

I shouldn’t have said that. Things escalated way too quickly because I said that.

I had been at the music hall one afternoon. Our assignment had been to write a simple piece of music, that had to include all the common and popular chords and combinations, as a way to teach the chords to a new student in a natural, flowing progression. My fellow classmates probably fared better than me, they wouldn’t mind so much if the end-product sounded off, it was merely a teaching tool after all. But with my sensitive ear, I couldn’t stand the forced mixture of the chords. The piece I wrote – and every variation of it – gave me goosebumps, in the bad way. By the end of the afternoon I had to give up and I headed home, forgetting that I had told Heero I wouldn’t be home until late at night.

Three things I noticed the moment I stepped through the front door.

The _smell_.

Isaac’s jacket on the couch.

And the _sounds_.

If it weren’t for the sounds I would have immediately backed out of the apartment, heady from the smell of Isaac’s cologne at the very first whiff. The sounds nailed my feet to the floorboards and I couldn’t move.

I had heard WuFei and Heero have sex in Heero’s bedroom before. The walls were not thin, but they weren’t soundproof either. Most I ever heard though, was a gasp and a duo of strangled moans before it all went quiet. They were never very vocal and never loud, probably always mindful of my presence in the next room. It was never hot listening to them, it was only awkward. They always sounded unnatural and out of sync.

Clearly, biting back moans didn’t work well for a porn video. Standing in the door opening I could discern WuFei’s grunts and Heero’s sharp cries in a fast rhythm. Listening to it, I felt it seep down to my bones and I could feel the blood surge through my veins in pace with it. My body synchronized with it – became one with it – the way it did with the aural pulse of the metronome on the piano. With alarming ease, I got hard. My erection pressed painfully against the inside of my tight jeans. I couldn’t smell Isaac’s jacket anymore, but I could taste something in my mouth. I could _taste_ the scent of sex on my tongue, a scent that existed only in my memory but this memory was evoked so powerfully that my mouth watered.  

The sounds built to a climax; the pace picked up, as did the volume.

Beyond my control my hand ghosted over the front of my jeans and the slight tickle sent jolts of electricity up my spine.

Heero screamed and WuFei called out his name, then it went quiet.

_Shit._

I was jostled awake by the sudden, jarring silence. I stepped backwards, out into the hallway and shut the door. I flinched at how loud it sounded and hoped that was only my imagination. I hurried towards the elevator. Walking was uncomfortable with my arousal still prominent, but I wouldn’t be deterred. I had to get out of that building. The air had become so hot and dense that it was suffocating me with every breath I took.

I leaned back against the wall of the elevator once the doors closed. I was panting. I was sweating.

It had been too long since I had last had sex, I realized.

The last time had been in the shower stall of a hostel at the coast of Croatia, with a guy named Nicholai. Or Niklaus? Or Jack? I really couldn’t recall. That was probably close to a year ago.

I didn’t think the abstinence would affect me, but I had been proven wrong.

A simple solution would be to find a new ‘Nicholai’, but I was done with that. I was done with having sex with people after what barely counted as an introduction. I suspected I was done with it before I even put on the condom, with Nicholai’s alabaster back turned towards me, but I didn’t have the sense to stop right then and there.

My problem was not that I wanted to have sex so badly. I wanted to have sex with Heero, that was the problem. I wanted to fuck him so badly. I wanted to make him keen like that. I wanted to make him out of breath like whenever he came back from his runs. I wanted to make him sweat like whenever we worked out together; his skin glistening and a drop deliciously traveling down from his temple, all the way to the hem of his shirt.

_Fuck! Not helping!_

I held my book bag in front of me as I exited the building. I managed to make my way to the park receiving only a few odd glances. I sat myself down on a bench and sucked in the clean fresh air that emanated from the freshly mowed grass and the trees by the small lake.

I gave myself time to cool down and restore some of my dignity before approaching rainclouds forced me to head home again about half an hour later.

Just as I walked into the downstairs lobby the elevator doors opened and Isaac, in his stinking jacket and with his big shoulder bag, stepped out. He grinned when he saw me.

Other than offering him a polite nod, I had not intended on any interaction with him and made a beeline for the elevator, hoping he would let me pass him without a word. But before I had the chance to step through the metallic doors, he called after me.

“Your name is Duo, right?”

I turned around. “Yeah.” Considering he was somewhat of a friend to Heero, I knew it would be polite to properly introduce myself, so I did. We shook hands and exchanged names and then Isaac made a comment about the ‘shitty weather’ – it had just started to rain and sheets of water poured down the windows. I was about to think to myself that Isaac wasn’t all bad, he wasn’t full-on creeper, I thought, but then he had me second guess my leniency when he looked me up and down. Practically leering.  

“Of course a good looking guy like Heero has a smoking hot roommate,” He said. “The porn plot writes itself.”

I was about to brush off his comment, hoping to hide my disdain, when he called me out:

“How long had you been listening before you left?”

I wanted to punch his mouth to erase that smirk he sported. I feigned innocence and frowned at the implication.

“We all heard you slam the front door shut.”

“I realized I had forgotten to get something at the grocery store.” I was impressed at how quickly I managed that lie.

Isaac looked me up and down again and wondered cheekily: “What did you buy?”

Obviously I was only carrying my book bag. My mind raced to come up with something small that I could have gotten, that wouldn’t require a separate grocery bag. “Gum.”

“Wow, yeah. Now I understand the urgency…”

I ignored his sarcasm and avoided his stare nervously and then offered him a halfhearted wave goodbye and tried to make my way into the elevator again.

“Hey, if you ever want to make some extra cash…”

I spun around. _Was he seriously…?_

“The site pays like two grand per person for a threesome vid.” He grinned. Evidently there was a bonus for him involved as well, why else would he be so motivated?

“Thanks, but no thanks,” I deadpanned.

“I’m pretty sure Heero would be into it.”

I frowned. “I doubt that. And in any case, I wouldn’t be into it and the same goes for WuFei.”

“If you say so,” Isaac shrugged and then left.

I shook my head at him and pushed his preposterous suggestion from my mind.

At the apartment WuFei had taken a seat on the couch and was flipping through channels. He acknowledged me with a casual nod only. Heero was in the kitchen, talking on his phone. When he spotted me he pulled the cellphone away from his ear and asked: “I’m ordering pizza, would you like some?”

“I’m not hungry. Thanks though.” I stalked across the living room and headed for the privacy of my bedroom. I couldn’t breathe again until the door was shut behind me. I threw my bag into a corner and flung myself onto the bed and groaned into the pillow in frustration.

I listened to the muffled conversation between Heero and WuFei. I couldn’t distinguish one word from another, but the hum of their voices melting into each other had me shivering. Through the walls they sounded the same; that same, deep, vibrating tone, always even and controlled, almost emotionless in a way. If I didn’t know any better, I would have never guessed that they were the ones making those incredible sounds before, the passion and desperation was so unlike them. Was it a good act, or did the presence of the camera – or the camera man – incite their lust?

The pizza arrived. They ate in silence, watching a movie. WuFei left, before the movie had ended, it seemed. The TV was switched off half an hour later and then Heero closed the door to his bedroom. WuFei still didn’t like sleeping over. Shooting the videos appeared to be the only moment of excitement in their relationship and that confused me. They were so perfect for each other, they were so alike. There was friction but there were no sparks. Maybe too alike wasn’t good for a relationship, maybe it was like trying to light a match by rubbing it against another match; it doesn’t work that way. To create a flame a coarse striking surface is required. But why would two young people stay together if there was no heat?

I groaned. I never suspected that the visual of a match striking against a matchbook and igniting could ever be arousing, but given my metaphor of choice, I was hard again.

It was only a matter of time before I would search ‘Boyfriends Barebacking’. I held off as long as could, but as I did my lust for Heero only became more unbearable and I didn’t trust myself around him anymore. Whenever he joined me on the couch to watch a movie, my gaze was drawn to him. Thankfully, he was always too enthralled by the digitally rendered spectacle to notice me gawking at him as he ate his popcorn and licked the butter off his long fingers, that sweet tongue darting out, those soft lips pouting around the digit. It was maddening.

I prided our friendship on its lack of bullshit. The honesty between us had been admirable and appreciated as such by both involved parties. But I couldn’t tell him that I had dreams of him licking butter off my dick – or maple syrup, or chocolate sauce, or whipped cream, or ice cream, or caramel. I wanted him to give me that same delicious attention that he paid all his sweet treats. I was fairly certain that such an alarming measure of honesty would be more harmful to our friendship than a little white lie. He didn’t need to know that I excused myself to go jerk off in the shower to the image of him. And WuFei didn’t need to know either.

A few weeks of torment later, I had myself convinced that watching those videos would be the right thing to do. My lust for my roommate had become a primal, primary instinct, it was an all-consuming hunger and thirst and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I had to both still and quench it somehow and watching those videos was the safest way to accomplish that.

When Heero and WuFei were out on a date one Friday night, I settled myself in my desk chair and went online. Occasionally I scowled past the screen of my laptop to the box of tissues on the desk.

_I am a pervert._

I continued on, undeterred.

‘Boyfriends Barebacking’ was a straightforward site and resembled every other porn site I had visited. There was nothing special about it, except, of course, for the picture of Heero and WuFei on the home page, staring into the camera – looking straight at me! The text read: ‘Watch me fuck my boyfriend’.

“Oh God…” With a grimace on my face I clicked on the link and a new page opened up with short previews of the videos. In the thumbnails I saw more couples, one platinum blonde and his boyfriend briefly caught my eye until I noticed a solo video of Heero.

I didn’t consciously click on the video, but the two-minute preview started playing so clearly I was guilty of giving into my sinful curiosity.

My shame was quickly forgotten after a few seconds of watching Heero undress wordlessly on screen. The video jumped to a gratuitous shot of him on his bed, pleasuring himself with a sizable vibrator. I shifted in my seat and leaned in closer. The small sounds he was making drew me in. Sometimes he would make eye-contact with the camera lens and I felt my blood surge through my veins, building pressure and creating heat in my fingertips, ear shells and groin.

The sudden end of the video was jarring. A pop-up tempted me to buy a membership, but I resisted, as if I could preserve my pride that way.

I skipped to the next video of Heero in the ‘Watch my boyfriend jerk off’ series. This time the toy he used was a clear ‘fleshlight’. He held it steady in his white-knuckled fist and raised his hips off the bed thrusting into it. I watched his reddened erection fill the toy in a basic rhythm that my body instinctually understood and mimicked in my seat.

I scrolled down to read the brief description.

‘Heero’s boyfriend never lets him top. Would you let him?’

I raised an eyebrow at that and wondered if it was true or if it was a gimmick.

I was surprised at the fact that he didn’t have some kind of inventive porn-name, but I could understand why they opted for his real name, that way no mistakes could be made in the throes of passion.

I made the mistake of scrolling down further and found a couple of replies to the video.

One of the commenters had written: ‘I’d love for him to fuck me’. But another wrote: ‘His boyfriend is right, I wouldn’t give up that ass either’.

Reading those comments was unsettling. I didn’t like that every creep in the world could watch Heero like this – although I acknowledged that I was no better than any of them. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was jealous of WuFei, I also became jealous of these strangers, who had been watching Heero all this time.

Ignoring my erection I clicked on a video preview of Heero and WuFei together. This preview was a little longer and it started with both of them sitting on the edge of the bed, fully clothed, talking to the camera man – Isaac – about kinky dreams they had had.

Heero admitted on camera with a sheepish blush: “I dreamt once that I was getting fucked by two Wufei’s.”

“Like a twin, or something?” Isaac asked.

“No. There was a copy of WuFei.”

“What did they do to you?” Isaac wondered, his tone plunging into a low register.

“WuFei fucked me while I fucked the copy,” He said evenly. “And then I was on my back and WuFei kept fucking me and the copy made me suck his dick.”

Isaac let out a deep chuckle. WuFei was out of frame. “Would you like to try a threesome sometime?”

Heero shrugged.

Then the image changed suddenly and reactively I turned my head away when I became aware of Heero on all fours on the bed, getting absolutely pounded by WuFei, like either the talk of a threesome had angered him, or had turned him on, it was impossible to tell. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from the screen for long. I focused on Heero, on the way his bangs moved and his entire body rocked back and forth with the power of WuFei’s thrusts. His erection was swinging between his legs. Off screen, WuFei demanded to know: “You love getting fucked, right?”

“Yes! I love it! I love it!”

The video stopped and the same pop-up appeared, with a link to the subscription page.

The previews were too short to masturbate to, but I didn’t need to see anymore. The necessary images were burned into my retina and my imagination took care of the rest. I shut my laptop so that I could later deny wholeheartedly that I had jerked off to one of their videos and then I undid my jeans and took myself into my hand. Needless to say, it didn’t take me very long.

When I was done I cleaned myself up with the tissues and waited until I could catch my breath.

The guilt was nothing more than a distant twinge. More than anything I felt a deeply satisfying relief and sense of lightness. It wasn’t unlike those couple of times when I smoked a joint in a coffee shop in Amsterdam.

But the weight of my actions fell right back onto my shoulders when the front door opened and Heero returned home. Horrified I hurried to straighten my clothes and get rid of the soiled tissue, as if he could see me. Somehow I figured that staying in my room would be more incriminating than facing him in my flushed state, so I headed into the living room.

The light was on in the kitchen and I followed the sounds. I watched Heero retrieve a pint of ice cream from the freezer. He hadn’t noticed me yet. He dug a spoon into the treat and brought a big mouthful to his lips.

I started laughing when he furrowed his brows and reached a hand up to rub his temple. _Brain freeze._

“Don’t judge me,” He grumbled.

“Bad date?”

“Hn.” He took another big bite.

“You’re such a girl.” The joke was meant as a lighthearted reference to all those young women in TV series and movies who turned to ice cream in their times of emotional distress, but I instantly regretted my remark when he looked at me sharply.

“Don’t say that. That’s not funny!”

I raised my hands in surrender. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. It was just a joke.” I didn’t really understand why it upset him. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” He bit.

“Heero…-”

“I’m serious! _Nothing_ happened. It was the most boring night of my life!” He gestured wildly with the spoon. “It’s the same conversation over and over and over! I was so bored tonight I tried to start an argument just so we could have something new to talk about!”

“What did you argue about?”

“Napkins!”

I blinked. “Napkins? Isn’t that kind of stupid?”

He rolled his eyes. “I _know_!”

Clearly napkins weren’t really the issue, so I dropped it. I sat down on one of the barstool and inquired: “Have you told WuFei about how you feel?”

He fixed his glare on me. “Of course not. I’m not going to tell my boyfriend that he bores me. He wouldn’t understand and it would hurt his feelings.”

I looked off to the side. “Maybe he would understand,” I mumbled.

Heero put away the pint of ice cream and leaned over the counter top. When I turned my head to face him I was startled by his closeness.

“What did he tell you?” He demanded.

This was where I _had_ to honor the no-bullshit rule, especially if I wanted to get away with hiding some other stuff. “He said something about the relationship feeling like a fifty-year-old marriage. And that that’s why he doesn’t like sleeping over anymore.”

“He’s bored with me?” He summarized and he sounded hurt.

“You can’t take it too personally. You just told me he bores you as well!”

“Great, so we bore each other!” He reached for the ice cream again and wrapped his pouting lips around another spoonful.

I swallowed, watching him lick the white sweetness off his bottom lip. But my inappropriate, sexual thoughts evaporated when I noticed the pained look in his eyes. In that moment, I didn’t want to fuck him, I didn’t want him to lick chocolate syrup off my dick, I just wanted to hug him and pet his hair and whisper nice things in his ear in hopes of cheering him up. My hearted ached for him. I remembered that look from a long time ago, when my brother told him one Thanksgiving that the love note that had been left on his locker before school break was written by him and he hadn’t meant a single kind word written on the pink piece of paper. It was devastating to see him like that again, to watch him realize he was waking up from a dream and all the pleasantness of the illusion would be gone. I asked the difficult question, not with the intention of driving a wedge between him and his boyfriend, but because I felt it was a question that had to be asked and I doubted if he had dared to pose it himself. “Aren’t you guys way too young to be stuck in a rut like this?”

He sighed.

“Why are you both holding on to this when it’s not making either of you happy?”

He was a little offended by that and he bit back: “We’re holding on because we still love each other. You don’t give up on love just because it’s not as exciting as it used to be.”

“But if there is no passion, how can you be sure that it is still a romantic love?”

He frowned at me.

“Maybe you fell out of love, somewhere along the line, but you both simply haven’t noticed because you still love each other as friends.”

He shook his head. He wasn’t able to accept it. “We just have to find something to excite us again. Like the videos. Those helped for a while.”

“For a while,” I echoed.

He scoffed. “What do you know? You said yourself that you’ve never even had a long term relationship. I’m going to bed. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He grabbed the ice cream and left, stomping his feet.

We never spoke of it again, but it was apparent Heero had not forgotten about our conversation – he couldn’t forget and he wouldn’t let me forget. Wanting to prove to me and to himself that his relationship with WuFei was still spirited, he became a little more touchy-feely with his boyfriend in my presence. His behavior, however, only served to confuse WuFei and it was a little awkward to watch him absentmindedly return Heero’s kisses and mostly ignore his touches, completely unaware of what the other was trying to achieve. Romantically they were too out of touch for the Chinese student to be able to pick up on Heero’s hints. It took the interference of an HD camera to align their wavelengths. The camera meant sex – and it would have to be good sex – no further communication was required. Without Isaac there, their interaction lacked a sexual trigger and they both slipped into the ease and comfort of a platonic synergy.

One evening I was on the couch again, watching another one of my stupid nineties actions movies. That I never failed to enjoy shamelessly. WuFei let himself into the apartment while Heero was still getting ready for their date.  

“Sup, man,” I greeted, not taking my eyes off the screen, I was focused on the action-packed opening sequence. “My guess is you’re early, he just got into the shower.”

“The presentation ended early and I thought I should come right over instead of wasting time going home first.” He came to stand by the couch and eyed the screen curiously.

“You want a beer?”

He shrugged. “Sure. I’ll go get it myself.”

I grinned. “You’re a fool if you think I was going to get up for you. Bring me one too, will you?” I still didn’t like the taste of it, but it was the socially acceptable thing to do and some nights I did enjoy the light buzz it provided me.

He shot me a look, causing me to laugh, but he dutifully came back with two bottles of beer. He took a seat next to me on the couch, twisting the cap off and taking a swig. “What are you watching?” He sported a frown when the teenage male protagonist took off his helmet, revealing his youth.

I tore my gaze away to stare at him. “You’ve never seen this movie?”

“I don’t recognize it.”

“Gundam Wing, man! It’s a classic!”

He made a face. WuFei wasn’t easily impressed.

I sat up straight and with a high pitched voice I imitated one of the characters of the film, delivering her infamous line: “I’m right here so come and kill me!” I waited for a spark of recognition. “You’ve seriously never even heard that quote before?”

“No.”

“Really? It gets me every time.” I nodded back at the screen and gave some backstory to help him understand what was going on. I knew it would be a while until Heero was ready, he always took his time in the shower and I figured that had something to do with his built-up sexual energy.

WuFei got comfortable in his seat, propping one foot up on the edge of the coffee table.

“Popcorn?” I held the enormous bowl towards him.

“Nah. We’re probably going to try and catch a late dinner before going out.”

“Alright. Seriously though, I’ll lend you the DVD if you want, you should really watch this. I grew up on this shit.”

He merely nodded and continued to watch the movie with me.

By the time Heero emerged from the bathroom, WuFei had totally been sucked into the movie. He laughed at my jokes and my failed attempts to explain the convoluted plot, twisting his face into amusing expressions as I talked about giant mechs and colonies circling the earth.

“I’m ready,” Heero said, regarding us both with a judgmental frown.

We shushed him and I prodded WuFei in his side and said: “This is the part I was telling you about.”

_“I’m right here so come and kill me!”_

We burst into laughter – the second beer was not entirely irrelevant – and we repeated the absurd line in ridiculous, squeaky voices. I had never known the Chinese man to be this humorous and easy-going, there had always been a barrier of politeness and propriety, but he let his guard down and he was allowing himself to enjoy himself, in turn making it way too easy for me to enjoy his company.

Without even looking at his boyfriend, WuFei asked: “Heero, do you mind if we stay in? I really want to watch this movie.”

“Sure,” He replied mildly. “It’s not like we had anything special planned anyway.”

WuFei totally missed the not-so-subtle jab, but I sure didn’t. I was quick to invite him to join us, holding up the bowl of popcorn to lure him.

His sigh was barely perceptible. He walked around the couch and sat down to my left. WuFei was on my right. Because I had been sitting in the center of the couch, there was no way for the couple to sit together without me scooting over. The fact that neither of them asked me to move over so they could sit together spoke volumes.

Heero sagged into the cushions and placed his feet on the coffee table, casually crossing his legs at the ankle. I let my gaze trail up from his clunky boots, up the length of his leather-clad legs – he was wearing a pair of black leather jeans that I knew fit him exquisitely, especially in the _posterior_ – and I marveled at the flat planes of his stomach, shown off by his fitted white T-shirt. His wiry arms were exposed by the rolled-up sleeves of the denim blouse he wore on top.

He looked over to reach for the popcorn and as we made eye contact I whispered: “You look great.”

He grabbed a handful of popcorn and popped the first two pieces into his mouth, while trying not to smile.

I nudged his shoulder with mine and said: “It’s a really good movie. Have you seen it before?”

He snorted. “Of course, it’s a classic.”

I swiveled my head to look at WuFei. “Did you hear? Heero agrees, it’s a _classic_. I told you so.”

The tension was palpable. It made the beer taste even more bitter. Even the sweetness of the popcorn was lost on my tongue.

Heero didn’t seem to mind. He had claimed the bowl, taking it into his own lap and he was chewing non-stop, as an excuse to not have to say anything.

I didn’t know what to say, it felt uncomfortable to be making quips. WuFei, who had been enjoying the movie up until that point, had also stopped laughing, catching on that Heero wasn’t happy with him in the moment, but realizing it was too late to do anything about it without coming off as phony.

I couldn’t let this ruin our evening. I kept swallowing back humorous remarks, waiting for a really good one to test the waters. Eventually, a dry joke burst out of me. It was the first sound in over twenty minutes to not be made by the television set and arguably it was merely this element of surprise that raised the efficacy of the comment – because it definitely wasn’t all that funny. I could feel them both flinch at the sudden, deep sound of my voice cutting into the dialogue of the movie and then in perfect symmetry they both relaxed, the tension washed away and Heero was the first to start laughing. Relieved that I hadn’t shot a blank, I joined him in laughter and shortly after so did WuFei.

Without knowing how I had managed it, exactly, I had flipped a switch and the three of us were able to relax. Heero and I slipped into our usual routine of criticizing every frame, Heero especially enjoyed pointing out scientific inaccuracies, and WuFei laughed heartedly at our cynicism and he called us Statler and Waldorf; the old guys from the Muppets show who panned everything. WuFei wasn’t wrong. Later WuFei and I teamed up on Heero, accusing him of hogging the popcorn bowl which led to him throwing handfuls at us when we least expected it.

I felt like a teenager again, which was strange because I never did stuff like this with friends when I was younger. I was a mean-spirited, insecure kid and the only thing I had in common with any of my friends was that they were equally mean-spirited and insecure. I liked this much better and I felt blessed for having gotten a second chance with Heero.

We watched the sequel as well. It was not as good, a sad fact that rang true for most sequels, but we were high on sugar, beer and the laughing fits, anything and everything could amuse us at that point. This was proven when Heero suddenly burst into a hiccup-y laugh during one of the serious scenes, when it was unclear whether the main protagonist had survived his ordeal and the dramatic music swelled. WuFei and I watched him with raised eyebrows but his mirth was so infectious we couldn’t help but start giggling ourselves.

After the four and a half hour marathon we left the mess in the living room for what it was and retreated to our respective bedrooms. It was the first time since I had known either of them that WuFei decided to spend the night and although it gave me a warm, hopeful, fuzzy feeling because I wanted their relationship to work out for Heero’s sake, I could not deny the distant gnaw of jealousy, like a mouse nibbling away at a floorboard in an old house; you could hear it, you knew it was happening, but you couldn’t pinpoint it and you couldn’t stop it. You could stomp your feet and scare the mouse away, but he would be back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m very happy to read people are enjoying this story. I wasn’t sure if I should even post it in the beginning, but the feedback has put me at ease that there is a place for a story like this. Thank you very much for the encouragement!
> 
> Warnings: This chapter includes sexual content! (masturbation and voyeurism)

**_Three_ **

_Part Three_

 

My weak-hearted character lacked the self-control to stop myself from revisiting that porn site. The only reason I didn’t purchase a membership was, in all honesty, because I couldn’t afford it. I still relied on my dad to pay for everything, something I was even less proud of. I watched those short previews over and over, but I never jerked off to them directly. Because I couldn’t. I couldn’t pretend WuFei wasn’t there when he was right there in front of me. I studied the videos, focusing on Heero’s expressive face and on his beautiful body. I memorized his reactions and movements so I could use them later to add an amazing vividness to my fantasies.

If the videos were an accurate indication, the two positions he liked best were riding his partner, or being on all fours. When he was on top he liked it slow and he enjoyed being in control, drawing helpless whines and whimpers from his partner, he’d swat or push hands away if they sought purchase on his hips to assume control of the pace. It betrayed a dominant streak that he was never allowed to fully act on because he was always cast as the receptive partner. But when he was on all fours he begged for it to be harder and faster and deeper, _more_ , yet he willingly surrendered to the rule of his lover, moaning and crying out with each deep thrust. The previews didn’t show much foreplay, but from what I saw it appeared he liked open-mouthed kisses, having attention paid to his pert, pink nipples – he played with his nipples a lot during his solo videos as well - and dry-humping with their underwear still on. None of the previews showed them doing oral sex, although the descriptions did hint at that being part of the full videos. It was the one thing that was missing sorely from my mental archive: what he looked like with his lips wrapped around a stiff dick and what he looked like when he was being pleasured himself.

The shame became insufferable, but still I couldn’t stop myself from re-watching those videos. The only think that I thought might ease my guilt, was being honest with him. _No bullshit_. I didn’t think I had the courage to ever tell him, however, until, one day, it burst out at me over breakfast.

“I watched your videos.”

His reaction was very mild. He raised an eyebrow and stared at me. He didn’t look surprised. “I told you it was okay if you wanted to see.”

Maybe he didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him. I didn’t just watch them once out of curiosity, which he seemed to be suspecting. “I watch them quite a lot.” I bit my lip, _that was a little too forthcoming_.

“Oh.” He was quiet for a little while and then he asked in a flat tone: “Do you masturbate to them?”

Every inch of my skin heated up at hearing him say that word. “No.” It wasn’t a complete lie, I never pleasured myself while actually watching it and that came in handy because my answer was convincing in spite of my blush.

His tone shifted a little. “You don’t like them?”

I chuckled nervously. “Oh, no, I, uh… trust me, I _like_ them.” I said that because I got the impression that the implication that I might not like them hurt his feelings. His expression at hearing my answer changed only slightly, but I could swear it went from disappointed to pleased.

“Cool.”

“I- I mean, I haven’t seen the whole videos. I’ve only watched the previews. I can’t afford a membership, it’s like thirty bucks for a month!” I tried a laugh.

“Only nineteen dollars per month if you choose the six-month-membership,” Heero informed glibly.

“You know the tight leash my dad keeps me on. He never lets me forget who pays the bills. He already gives me a hard time about my spending every month.”

He smirked and took a sip of his coffee, watching me with knowing eyes over the top rim of the cup, and then he said: “If you want to make some extra cash to spend as you want…”

I nearly choked on my bite of cereal.

“What? You’re hot, you could totally do jerk-off videos and earn your own money.”

I blinked at him. “You think I’m hot?”

He blushed and deflected: “Isaac said he thinks you’re hot.” He shook his head and then decided to honor our no-bullshit-arrangement. “Of course I think you’re hot. You _are_ hot.”

“So are you,” I shot back and I looked into my bowl before he could probe me with those deep blue eyes.

“I know,” He quipped.

I laughed but his confidence was not misguided.

“If you want I could ask Isaac to set you up.”

My eyes widened at the offer. “No, no way. That guy is way too creepy and… I’m not really… I don’t feel comfortable.”

“Isaac is really not that bad. He gives some direction from time to time, but really he fades into the background. After a while he’s like… furniture.” He shrugged.

“No.” I shook my head fervently. “Thanks, but… no.”

He finished his coffee and rinsed the cup out in the sink. “Too bad. You know, the actors get free memberships,” He commented absentmindedly as he walked around me towards his bedroom to get ready for class. “And I would have enjoyed watching your videos.”

I swung around in the barstool and watched him leave with a shocked expression. _Where did that come from? That was totally flirty, right?_

In an instant I had changed my mind. I knew I was going to take him up on his offer, but first I had to figure out a way to gracefully take back my refusal. The idea of Heero watching me the way I had been watching him was titillating. I wanted him to see me like that, to see me that way; as more than a friend and a roommate. Friends are eunuchs, I needed him to acknowledge my sexuality. I wanted him to know what I could offer and I wanted him to fantasize about it the way I fantasized about him.

It was childish and petty of me to think along these lines, but I had listened to Heero beg for _more_ in that one video preview often enough and I wanted him to know that I could give him more. I didn’t need him to act on these desires, in the same way I decided I would never act on my lust for him, but I liked the idea of us being on equal footing and enjoy each other from a safe, anonymous distance.

A few days later, after an appropriate amount of time had passed according to my judgment, I complained about my father giving me a hard time about money. I wanted to buy a keyboard, so I wouldn’t have to wait for available time in the music hall to practice and instead could plug in a pair of headphones and play in my room, but he wouldn’t give me the money. He told me I was welcome to play on my old piano that was still at the house, effectively forcing me to spend time with him. I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready to be around him, to stare at the wrinkles on his face knowing how he got them. Frowning and pouting had been the only thing he ever did as Solo allowed himself to die. He never said or tried anything, he just watched. At least my mother prayed and believed that she was helping her son that way. My father did nothing.

Heero was sympathetic as he listened and as I had counted on, he offered to arrange a shoot with Isaac.

I pretended to not want it, as long as I could before he would politely retract the offer. After a few minutes, I agreed.

It wasn’t without emotional conflict. Heero wouldn’t be the only person seeing me in such an intimate state. I shivered remembering some of the disgusting and disturbing comments on Heero’s videos: strangers expressing what they would like to do to him, sometimes in graphic, sickening detail.

But the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach as the arranged day grew near, wasn’t exclusively negative. The flutter of butterflies was exciting as well. Dread and anticipation danced together, unlikely partners making a handsome pair. You could say I ‘practiced’ a lot in the week leading up to the shoot. 

Per my request Heero was at home with me to welcome Isaac. This was not a ploy on my behalf, I liked him being there to put me at ease. He was so casual about the whole ordeal, having gone through it numerous times himself, but he remembered how anxious he had been his first time, this allowed him to be patient and understanding while I paced back and forth in the living room until the doorbell rang.

The smell entered the apartment before Isaac did and it nauseated me.

_I had forgotten about the smell._

The scent of cologne was so heavy I could taste it in my mouth and I felt the first throb of a headache.

“Hey, Duo. What’s up?” Isaac shook his jacket off his shoulders and produced a large, intimidating looking camera from his shoulder bag. As he fiddled with the settings, he inquired: “How are you feeling? Nervous?”

“Yup.” I shot a look at Heero and was assured a little by the smile he offered me in return.

“Don’t be. You won’t even know I’m there. If you want, I won’t say anything. It’s the first time, so I’m not expecting anything mind-blowing.”

_Geez, way to set the bar low and make a guy feel good…_

“Just let it happen naturally and remember not to go too fast. I want at least fifteen minutes of footage.”

Usually I jerked myself to completion in less than five, but for the purpose of a video, fifteen minutes didn’t sound like a lot. “Only fifteen?”

He shrugged. “Like I said, it’s the first time. No pressure.” He dug his pale hand into the back pocket of his jeans and produced a wad of bills. “Five hundred bucks. The standard price. Go ahead, count it.”

I accepted the stack of bills and counted the twenties and fifties. _Five hundred dollars for fifteen minutes_ , I marveled.

“Did you tidy up your bedroom a little?” Isaac continued.

“Yeah.”

“Nothing too personal on the nightstand or anything?”

“No.”

“Good. Shall we get to it then?” He looked at me expectantly.

I stuffed my hands into my pockets. Dread was definitely taking the lead in the dance. “Yeah. Sure.”

Heero got up from the couch and grabbed his jacket. “I guess I’ll… take a walk through the park. Good luck.” With a smirk he left the apartment.

“First door on the right, right?” Isaac asked as he headed into the hallway.

“Yeah.” I followed him meekly.

He pushed the door open and stepped into my bedroom. He appraised the surroundings. My room had never been so clean and organized. He flicked on all the lights, even though sunlight was pouring into the room through the window. He aimed the bulbs at the bed and looked through the lens of his camera to check the lighting. “Pretty good,” He concluded.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Normally you’d need more light sources and also not this kind of orange light from the overhead lamp, but the whole gimmick of the site is that it’s at home, you know? Give people to voyeuristic feel. So we don’t light the scenes professionally. My camera does most of the work anyway.” He patted the big, black device.

“Don’t the couples do most of the work?”

He chuckled. “I guess you’re right. If you consider whacking-off and fucking real work.”

“Manual labor?”

He let out another hearty laugh and then motioned for me to get settled on the bed.

I climbed on and sat back against the headboard. “Should I take my shoes off?”

“Do that later.”

“Doesn’t seem very interesting.”

“It’s not. We’ll edit it out. Don’t forget to take off your socks, most viewers really hate it when people keep their socks on.”

“Noted.” I looked around myself. I had jerked off often enough, but suddenly I didn’t know what to do, how to start.

Isaac trained the camera on me. “You want to watch a porn or something to get going? I have some DVD’s I could pop into your laptop.”

“Movies from the website?” My curiosity was piqued.

He pulled the camera away from his face to reveal his grin. “I didn’t bring any of Heero’s vids, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Of course not!”

With the camera propped on his shoulder he encouraged: “Start by touching yourself through your jeans.”

I placed my hand over the front of my jeans formally. I gave the bulge a squeeze, but nothing stirred. “Do you want me to look at the camera, or?”

“Focus on yourself. You can look up at the camera a couple of times if you want.”

I palmed myself through the denim fabric more purposefully but my face was contorted into a grimace.

Isaac looked past the camera. “That’s not a very sexy look.”

“I’m sorry. It’s harder than I thought.”

He looked down at my lap pointedly. “It’s not hard at all.”

“Very funny,” I sneered. “You’re not helping.” I focused on my task but my determination didn’t really get me in the right mood. It was like doing homework and failing at it. After a few minutes I opted for a more direct approach. I undid my jeans and slipped my hand inside to fondle myself through my underwear. I was triumphant when I started to get hard, my body could not deny the stimulation, not even when it seemingly wanted to. I couldn’t get myself beyond a half-hard state so I delved into my underwear and jerked unceremoniously.

Isaac interrupted: “That’s not really-”

He fell silent when I glared at him but I didn’t need him to finish his sentence to know what he was getting at. My performance wasn’t very _inspiring_. But looking up at Isaac had been a mistake. I growled in frustration at my body’s halfhearted response to my touches. I kept jerking off though, I knew that if I wouldn’t give up, I could wring an orgasm out of me. But probably not a five-hundred-dollars’-worth orgasm.

I didn’t know how much time had passed when I noticed Isaac lowered the camera to revealed his disapproving expression. “Look man, I appreciate your guile, but this isn’t working.” He stopped the recording.

“What? No, just give me a minute!”

“Well,” He looked down at his watch. “It’s been almost twenty minutes…”

“And I was close!” I argued, although my softening erection didn’t back that up.

“It looked like you were in pain. Look, I’m sure it’s usually different, I’m not trying to insult you or anything. Some guys simply can’t perform in front of the camera. There is nothing wrong with that, but it’s not what we’re looking for.” He looked sincerely apologetic. “I’m sorry. You have to give the payment back. We’ll tear up the contract you signed and I’ll delete what I’ve recorded so far. Okay?”

I was extremely embarrassed. I buttoned-up my jeans and jumped off the bed. “Fine.” I didn’t have the right to be angry at him, but it was easier than turning the full brunt of my frustration inwards. My pride and ego were wounded enough already.

In the living room I handed Isaac the money back and I looked over his shoulder and watched him delete the digital recording.

“Don’t worry too much about it,” Isaac said. “It happens all the time.”

I wasn’t sure if that was true, but it was nice of him to say so in an attempt to cheer me up, so I thanked him, but couldn’t make eye contact. I pressed my lips into a taut line when I heard the front door open behind me.

“Hey,” Heero greeted as he stepped inside. “How did it go?”

“It didn’t,” I ground out. I couldn’t face him. I was so embarrassed. I felt emasculated.

“What happened?”

“It’s not a big deal,” The cameraman jumped in, “He had some trouble relaxing, that’s all.”

“I couldn’t get into it, with him there,” I snarled. It wasn’t fair of me to blame Isaac for my shortcomings, he had proven to be nothing but kind and understanding.

“Maybe you should give it another try some other time,” My roommate suggested.

I turned to face him. “I don’t ever want to do that again! It was humiliating.”

“You shouldn’t beat yourself up about it,” Heero urged. “You couldn’t get comfortable with a stranger around, that’s understandable. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Isaac cut in: “If my presence was the problem, than maybe we should let Heero shoot the scene.”

I looked at him sharply. “What?”

“You guys are friends, right? You feel comfortable together?” He smirked knowingly. “I can leave the camera here, I trust Heero with it. I’ll go get a cup of coffee and you can text me when you’re done.”

I stared at him. My incredulous expression must have been comical. I was even more shocked when Heero casually agreed. “What?”

“I don’t mind,” He said. “And you want that keyboard, right?”

“I-” Before I could organize my thoughts in order to argue, Isaac was already explaining the functions of the camera to Heero. With my roommate being as technically savvy as he was, it was a short lesson. After giving me a pat on the back, Isaac stepped out of the apartment, giving us privacy.

Heero started towards my bedroom.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“It’ll be fine. You don’t have to be nervous around me. I’m not a stranger. And you’ve seen my videos.”

“Yes, I’ve seen your videos, but I wasn’t there when-” _Oh how I wish_.

“Come on, it will be fun. I always wanted to shoot one of these, but WuFei doesn’t like the solo stuff.” Without permission he disappeared into my bedroom.

Reluctantly I went after him. I could have argued, but I realized I was already half-hard and horny.

Heero stood in the middle of the room, waiting for me, and gestured towards the bed.

That time I sat down on the edge, my knees far apart. The flutters in my stomach were pleasant again. I rubbed my sweaty palms up and down my denim-clad thighs.

He turned on the camera and aimed it at me. “Relax, Duo. It’s just us now.”

_Just us._

His deep voice made the hairs on the back of my neck tremble. “What should I do?” It was no more than a whisper.

“Whatever you want.”

I decided to take off my shirt, since it was incredibly hot in the room all of a sudden. After some contemplation I leaned back on one elbow and rested the other hand in the crook of my thigh. I looked to him for approval.

“Don’t think too much Duo. Do what feels good.”

Maybe he knew so well what to say because he had to tell himself these things when he first got started, doing these videos. In any case the soothing, vibrating tone of his voice went straight to my groin. I placed my hand over the bulge between my legs again, just like I had when Isaac had been there, but this time the bulge was already enlarged and I couldn’t swallow the gasp that escaped me when I squeezed. I rubbed over the front of my jeans a couple of times. I kept looking at Heero, although, sadly, most of his face was obstructed by the camera. I could feel him watching me intently through the lens and it fueled the fire. I unzipped my jeans and pushed the fly open, revealing the outline of my erection in my black boxer briefs. I traced up and down the length with my thumb and forefinger and then teased the tip through the thin fabric. That was when the first moan escaped me. I moaned again quickly when I noticed Heero wetting his bottom lip with that desirable pink tongue.

_Oh fuck._

This was definitely not ‘at a safe and anonymous distance’, like I had intended!

It was too late to stop now.

I pushed my jeans and underwear down far enough to expose myself. My erection sprang upright, reaching up to my bellybutton. I smirked watching his lips part. I took myself into my hand and stroked languidly.

Isaac watching me had been a turn off, but Heero had the opposite effect on me. When Heero moved around and closer my dick got even harder and my balls tightened up. I rubbed my thumb against the hole in the head of my cock and then formed a tight fist around the shaft that I thrust into, raising my hips off the bed. “Is this good?”

“Yeah,” Heero breathed. “It’s good.”

I lay down on my back with the intention of drawing Heero closer. He would have to approach the bed to film me properly now that I was lying down. He did exactly as I had hoped. I felt the mattress dip slightly as he rested one knee on the edge of the bed and leaned forward, angling the camera down at me. I allowed every moan to slip past my lips, not biting back anything, only occasionally biting wantonly on my bottom lip. One hand pumped up and down my length, the other wandered across my chest, plucking at a nipple and fingers ghosting down my abdomen. I ended up using it to cradle and roll my balls. I let go of my cock for a little while, to stay the inevitable orgasm. I took two of my fingers into my mouth, sucking on them suggestively. I let them out with an audible pop and wondered: “Do you want me to put these in my ass? From a director’s standpoint?”

“Yes,” He hissed.

First I pushed my jeans and briefs further down my thighs and then brought the fingers down to my opening. “Oh yeah.” I threw my head back as I pushed both of the digits into me, not bothering to ease myself into it, even though it had been a long while since I had last bottomed and fingering myself was hardly part of my masturbation routine. I knew Heero, a versatile who was always forced to bottom, would get a kick out of me pleasuring myself that way. I wasn’t wrong. Looking up his body I could see the front of his black jeans straining to accommodate an obvious erection. My other hand let go of my scrotum and grabbed my dick instead. Jerking off with my left hand wasn’t a problem for me, thanks to years of piano-playing, both my hands were trained and precise, making me ambidextrous.

Between my own labored breaths I could hear Heero panting as well. He remained dedicated to his assigned job, filming dutifully, changing up the angles from time to time, but not too often.

I warned him that I was close. I didn’t know if we had reached the fifteen-minute-mark yet.

Heero wasn’t concerned with the time. He encouraged me to come.

It didn’t take long before my body went rigid. My tight ring of muscles clamped down on my fingers and my hips bucked as I shot several streams of come onto my own torso. The intense relief caused me to let out a breathy chuckle. I kept working my first up and down until I was satisfied I was completely spent. I let go and relaxed on the soft mattress. “How did I do?”

“Great.” Heero powered down the camera and lowered it from his shoulder. He looked down at himself, at the arousal I had been eying before. “Fuck, I’m _hard_ ,” He said sheepishly and he reached down to adjust himself in the tight confines of his jeans.

“Want to switch?” I winked at him.

“God, I wish.” He laughed. “I promised WuFei I wouldn’t do it without him present.”

The mention of his name reeled me back into reality. “Is he going to be mad at us for doing this?”

“I don’t think so. But we don’t have to tell him.”

“You want to keep it a secret?”

He shrugged.

“What about Isaac? Won’t he tell WuFei?”

“Not if I ask him not to.”

“Okay. I mean, it’s your decision, so… If you think it’s best not to tell him.”

“It might be good for us to have secrets. At least it’s not boring.” He joked but with a dark tone.

Heero left me alone so I could clean up. I could barely believe what had happened. I was torn between feeling giddy and guilty, but I accepted that nowadays I seemed to be walking that line constantly.

Isaac returned from his coffee and inspected the video on the small screen of the video. “This is excellent, guys,” He appraised. “And twenty-one minutes, that’s not bad.”

“Thanks.” I rubbed the back of my neck.

“You did good too, Heero. We should totally credit you as the cameraman. The regulars will go wild knowing you shot it.” He handed me the money again. “You earned it.”

“What about me?” Heero inquired cheekily.

“I’ll see what I can swing,” He replied. “But remember that as a cameraman you get paid a lot less than as a model.” He said his goodbyes and left.

I dropped down into the couch and stared at my earnings. “This is crazy.”

“It’s not bad though, right?”

“I guess not. I had fun.” I smirked at him.

“Is it enough to buy a keyboard?”

“Well, yeah, but not enough for the one I had my eye on.”

Heero sat down next to me. “How much is the one you want?”

“About nine hundred bucks.”

“Then I guess you have to do another video.”

“Will you be my director again?”

“Sure.” He patted my knee but I could swear his touch lingered. He got up and announced: “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Hot or cold?” I called after him.

He spun around. “Hot.” Then he disappeared into the hallway.

_Hot._

I leaned my head back and groaned.

My video went online two weeks later, but we kept it a secret from WuFei. The short video was granted a pretty good rating from the viewers, which was an odd and novel boost to my ego. One of the comments stuck with me, I couldn’t shake it and I thought about it often.

_‘Heero and WuFei should totally have a threesome with this guy! He is so hot and Heero is clearly into him, I bet he was thinking about Duo fucking his boypussy with that thick cock! Didn’t Heero say once he would like a threesome? Make it happen!’_

It was very strange that these people knew their names, it made it even more intimate. The site insisted that the models used their real names, to benefit the real, voyeuristic nature of the videos. It made the comment hit home even harder. It also made me realize, I wasn’t as opposed to the idea as I should be. I didn’t want to come between WuFei and Heero, they were my friends, but a threesome was very tempting for the simple reason that it would be the only way for me to ever have sex with Heero and to live out all those fantasies – at least partly.

I didn’t mention it to Heero, all I could do was wonder if he had read the comment as well. In fact, we pretended that afternoon in my bedroom never happened, regardless of the fact that I thought about it every single day and most nights as well. In some dreams the afternoon ended very differently than it had in reality, with me reaching out to cup the erection contained by his jeans, working his cock out of his clothes and sucking on it.

These dreams were poisonous, I had to let go of them. But that was easier said than done. The persistence of my fantasies was attributed to the fact that my feelings for Heero were getting stronger.

His rumbling laughter and his dry sense of humor that matched mine made it so easy to be with him and  his smell, the sound of his voice and the way his blue eyes could change from gentle to dangerous in a single blink drew me in closer.

This was a very scary thing to realize, because this realization would ruin my friendship with Heero, my friendship with WuFei and the relationship between the two of them. I didn’t want anything along those lines to happen!

A few days after the debut of my video the three of us were preparing for another movie night, considering the unexpected success of the unscheduled one prior.

The corn was popping in the microwave and Heero was melting the butter in a small pan on the stove. I was getting the DVD’s ready, putting the first into the DVD-player and laying out the cases of the two sequels on the coffee table. WuFei was on his way from class, stopping by the grocery store on the way to get more beer. I had purchased the ingredients for Long Island ice tea for myself, the mixed drink was already prepared and chilling in the freezer for a couple of minutes to get it extra cold.

I joined Heero in the kitchen and watched him stir, casting a glance though the glass of the microwave to check on the popcorn. “Are all these sweets and fats really worth the work-outs?”

The corners of his lips curved upward. “Definitely.”

“Is it a sweet-tooth or an oral-fixation?” I teased. We were more flirty with each other as of late. Another dangerous thing. I remembered the sight of him enjoying a bright red popsicle last week when the temperatures spiked in the first heat-wave of the season. He had clearly been teasing me but had feigned innocence. His technique had been impressive.

“I suppose it’s a little bit of both.”

“Hm.” I redirected my attention to the microwave and counted the seconds with it until it beeped. I dumped the popcorn into a paper lunch bag. Heero poured the butter in as well and I tied the bag and shook it to coat each piece with butter without it getting soggy. I emptied the bag of buttered popcorn into the awaiting bowl. 

Heero wasted no time popping the first piece into his mouth.

“Leave some for the rest of us this time, will you?”

He pouted and I laughed.

That moment WuFei walked into the apartment. He shook his coat off his shoulder, rain droplets falling to the hard wood floor.

“Is it raining?” I asked dumbly.

“No, I took a shower with my coat on before I came here,” He shot back, although his retort was not mean-spirited. He joined us in the kitchen and put the beers away in the refrigerator. He looked at the big pitcher. “Did you make sweet tea?” He looked at Heero oddly, since he was the sugar addict of the three of us.

“I made Long Island ice tea,” I said.

“Oh. Alright.” He shut the fridge door and leaned the small of his back against the edge of the counter top. He plunged his hand into the bowl of popcorn and ate the handful of pieces one-by-one and then he asked abruptly: “So why did Heero shoot your masturbation video?”

Heero and I exchanged a look. I saw my expression of ‘ _oh shit_ ’ mirrored on his features.

WuFei narrowed his eyes at us. “Is something going on between you two?”

“No!” I replied adamantly.

Heero elaborated: “Duo wanted to make some extra cash, since his dad is being a dick about the finances and stuff. But he was nervous with Isaac around, he couldn’t do it. I happened to come back home right when Isaac was about to leave and he suggested that I should be the cameraman, so Duo would be more at ease.” He assured him: “All I did was point the camera, I swear. Nothing happened.”

WuFei seemed to trust his word. “Why did you keep it a secret though?”

“I didn’t want us to get into an argument about it.” Heero turned the tables by wondered: “How did you find out? Did Isaac tell you?”

WuFei admitted: “No.” After giving use both a glare, warning us not to judge him, he said: “I watched the video.”

“You never watch any of the videos, not even our own,” Heero pointed out.

“I was-” He sighed. “I was curious, okay. What’s the big deal? You said Duo watched our videos!”

“I did,” I cut in, “but not because I was curious. Did it turn you on?” I toyed and prodded his shoulder with my index finger.

“It was a perfectly adequate video,” Was his diplomatic answer.

“Oh come on!” I playfully pushed him.

Addressing his boyfriend, WuFei surmised: “You liked shooting that video of him.”

“Of course I did. And you liked watching it.” He shrugged. “There is nothing wrong with that.” He grabbed the bowl of popcorn and pushed past us both. “We’d better get started on these movies if we want to watch the entire trilogy tonight.” He sat down on the center cushion of the couch.

I turned to WuFei. “We’re cool, right?”

“Sure. But don’t keep anymore secrets from me.”

“We won’t, I promise.”

WuFei sat to Heero’s right and I on his left, taking the remote control into my hand I started our movie marathon and things went back to normal.

Or so I thought.

Heero fell asleep half way into the third movie, sagging against Wufei and resting his head on his shoulder. We didn’t bother turning down the volume. Heero could sleep through air-raid alarms going off at his bedside. It was remarkable and likely evolutionarily necessarily, he needed to get his sleep so he could get up at five thirty every morning for those goddamn seven-mile runs.

“It’s a birdcage!” I said melodramatically before the character onscreen could.

Swallowing his beer, WuFei expressed: “My favorite was: Don’t go into the long grass!”

I laughed at his poor imitation of a Hispanic accent. “Dude, the all-time classic _has_ to be: … Clever girl.”

He nodded in agreement and took another swig from the bottle.

I finished up my third Long Island ice tea – or the fourth – right as the screen went black and then the credits appeared in signature font. I started clearing away some of the clutter we had surrounded ourselves with.

WuFei slowly turned in his seat. He wrapped one arm around Heero’s shoulders and hooked the other under his legs. He lifted his boyfriend up from the couch without the Japanese man ever stirring and he carried him to the bedroom.

I watched him walk into the dark hallway yearningly, but then I shook my head and continued tidying up while the credits still rolled.

When WuFei returned, he started helping me clean.

“That’s okay, I got it. You head home before you fall asleep as well.”

He put the glasses he had been carrying in the sink and watched me shuttle trash to the kitchen for a few minutes. “Is it okay if we talked about something?”

I stuffed the empty bag of chips into the trash bin and quirked an eyebrow at him. “Sure.” I scratched my head. “I’m sorry, I thought you weren’t upset about the video.”

“I’m not upset.” He leaned against the counter and invited me to take a seat on the barstool across from him.

Gingerly, I sat down.

“Heero likes you,” WuFei stated.

I got defensive right away, not trusting where this was going. “Look man, I swear, nothing happened. We didn’t touch or anything.”

“Listen to me for a minute, will you?” He demanded. Following my meek nod he continued: “Heero likes you and you like Heero.” He waited for me to own up to it.

I was dedicated to the no-bullshit rule, but I was careful with my phrasing when I replied: “I’m attracted to Heero, yes.”

His face betrayed nothing. “I get that. And I don’t blame him for liking you. It was practically inevitable.”

“How did you figure that?”

“You’re the guy who used to bully him and put him down and now you _want_ him. Obviously that is going to make him feel good about himself and then it’s only a small step to wanting you as well.”

I had never thought of it along those lines, but there was likely a truth to WuFei’s analysis.

“I think this is an attraction that I can’t stop,” He added. “I don’t think I should even try.”

“What are you saying? Look, Heero loves you, trust me! Whatever he feels for me is little league stuff.”

“I know Heero loves me. I love him. But you and I both know that our relationship isn’t in the best shape currently. We’re having the seven-year-itch about four years too early and now you’re here and he is drawn to you. It is only a matter of time before he will act on his attraction to you.”

“He won’t cheat on you.”

“He will try not to, but eventually… ‘curiosity kills the cat’.” He shrugged. “I’m not blaming him and I’m not blaming you either. It’s just what happens. It’s bound to happen, the same way our relationship was bound to happen.” At the questions apparent in my eyes, he explained: “When I met Heero he was fresh out of high school. He had gone through that horrible period that you know more about than I do,” He paused poignantly, but he wasn’t trying to guilt-trip me. “I was the first person to look at him _that way_. The first to want him, the first to love him. That was a pretty powerful thing for him. My attraction to him made him feel desirable and confident. It’s pretty easy to fall in love for a guy who makes you feel that way.”

I nodded, I understood his point.

“I can only imagine how much more powerful it is to have your former bully lust after you. And how tempting that is, especially when your boyfriend is…” He looked off to the side. “We don’t have what we used to have anymore. You know?”

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t get it back. It’s a speedbump, it’s not insurmountable, you can get over it.”

“I know. I’m not giving up on us. What I’m trying to say-” He paused to chuckle bitterly. “What I’m trying to say is that maybe I should be there when something happens between the two of you. So it won’t be cheating; so it won’t be insurmountable.”

I blinked at him, I wasn’t sure if I understood what he was getting at. _Surely he is not suggesting…_

“I think we should have a threesome,” WuFei concluded bluntly.   


My eyes widened. “You’re kidding.”

He didn’t need to say anything, from his expression it was clear he was being dead serious.

“I don’t think that is going to solve anything.” I couldn’t deny that was my mouth was watering at the suggestion, but it was a dangerous road to go down, for all parties involved.

His answer was very rational and calm. “I think it’s the perfect solution. Heero can give into his curiosity without cheating on me. Sow some wild oats, if you will. I don’t have to worry about him doing anything behind my back. I’m sure you would like doing some stuff with him as well and finally, a threesome would pay very well. You can afford that keyboard you were talking about, and much more.”

S _o on top of everything he wants to do it in front of a camera?_ “And you wouldn’t mind sharing your boyfriend?” I questioned.

“I think Heero and I could use something new and exciting, to hopefully kick start our own relationship again, get out of this rut. And I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find you attractive. I watched your video, after all, and I enjoyed it very much.”

I coughed. His casual approach was a little unnerving. “What do you think Heero would say about this?”

“We can ask him tomorrow. But I don’t suspect he will be making any objections. He’s been curious about a threesome ever since Isaac suggested it last year, during one of those videos. I should have seen it coming. How many guys would be satisfied with having only one sexual partner their entire life?”

My mouth went dry. “What?” I fumbled with my words before I managed: “Heero has never been with anyone but you?”

“Like I told you, I was the first one to look at him that way and we’ve been dating ever since then.”

My brows lowered into a deep frown. “Heero has been all yours all this time and now you want to share him?”

WuFei became a little strict and intimidating when he replied: “Before you get any ideas, I’m not going to let you fuck him. But I don’t mind blowjobs and handjobs and stuff.”

“You’ve given it some thought,” I deadpanned.

“Of course.” He moved to the front door and maneuvered his arms into the sleeves of his coat. “So? Should we ask him, or are you saying no?”

“I- I-…”

He eyed me intently.

“Yeah, fuck it. Let’s ask him,” I agreed, throwing caution into the wind.

He nodded. “Good. I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll have dinner.” On that note he was out the door.

I was scared to death the next day. Scared of being caught in the middle of a fight between lovers. When WuFei casually ‘popped the question’ the second I sat down after serving pasta – vegetarian style – all color drained from my face and I couldn’t look Heero in the eyes.

The only response however was: “Okay.” He took another bite and literally the very next thing he said was: “The pasta is delicious, Duo.”

That was it. He agreed. We were going to have a threesome.


	4. Chapter 4

**Three**

_Part Four_

****

Things were set in motion without my involvement. I simply went along with everything, completely out of my depth. I was instructed to go to the doctor’s office to get an STD test, so I did and when my results came back clean I had to give Isaac a copy for the ‘higher-ups’ and I was shown a copy of Heero and WuFei’s negative results across the board. On the day itself, I was handed some paperwork to sign, just like when I did my masturbation video. I had to declare that I was sober and lucid and of age – providing a copy of my driver’s license, and I had to sign away my rights to the video I appeared in, relinquishing my right to demand it’s deletion or alteration and that I wouldn’t ask for more payment than what was previously agreed upon: Two thousand dollars each.

Isaac forked over the cash and I counted the hundred dollar bills, all twenty of them. I hadn’t had that much cash since I left for Europe. My dad had given me money out of concern, he didn’t agree with my trip, but he didn’t want me to go hungry or sleep on the streets.

The money was a very nice bonus and I now that I had it in my hands I understood why neither Heero nor WuFei had discarded this ‘part-time job’.

The odd whirlwind that had been the past two weeks came screeching to a standstill when I followed my soon-to-be lovers and the cameraman into Heero’s bedroom.

Things got very real, very fast and I had to resist the urge to bolt. I figured out why Isaac insisted on paying before the shoot, when one could argue withholding payment until after was a more secure option for him. If people started to have doubts, they would think twice before pulling the plug on the shoot. Having to physically give back the money, after your mind had already started racing, thinking of all the things you could do with it, was much harder than not getting paid after all. In the latter case, it wouldn’t feel like you were giving up on anything. The difference between having to give back five hundred dollars and having to give back two thousand dollars was also noticeable.

Heero and WuFei sat down on the edge of the bed. I purposefully chose my seat next to Heero. There would be no avoiding WuFei and I didn’t mean to, but I wanted to be as close to Heero as possible.

Isaac turned on the camera and pointed it at us. “Hey guys, how are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Said the couple in unison.

I shrugged. I was feeling less and less excited about the upcoming event. I had more or less forgotten about Isaac and that his smell would be hanging around us the entire time. Three already felt like a crowd, I wasn’t sure if I could be comfortable in the company of a fourth.

“Feeling the nerves, Duo?”

“I’m just wondering if maybe we should have done a practice-lap, so to speak.”

“No way, the members love seeing the very first time,” Isaac informed him. “Why won’t you tell us a little bit about yourself, Duo? You got straight to work for your solo video.” He smirked.

“Not much to say, really.”

“How do you know Heero and WuFei?”

“Uhm,” I looked over at the two of them. “Heero is my roommate. And the three of us are friends.”

“For what it’s worth, you guys look great together.”

“Maybe we should just get to it,” I interrupted. I didn’t really feel like chatting. If we waited much longer I was going to lose my courage.

Isaac chuckled. “Impatient little thing. Or rather, not so little. Everyone who has seen your video knows what I’m talking about. What about you, WuFei, have you seen it?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you like what you saw?”

“Definitely.”

“Hm,” Isaac trained the camera on Heero’s face. “I kind of get the feeling you are the missing link in this threesome. They both seem more into you than each other.”

Heero replied glibly: “I’m fine with that.”

“Oh, I’m sure you are going to love the attention. You said in one of your older videos that you’ve never been with someone other than your boyfriend. Is that still true?”

“Yes.”

“Are you nervous?”

He shook his head. He supplied: “Eager.”

“That’s good. Let’s get started.”

I sucked in a deep breath when Heero placed his right hand on my thigh. I looked over and saw the other hand was on WuFei’s thigh. The Japanese man turned his face away and WuFei’s fingers appeared on the back of his neck, digging into the chocolate brown hairs at the nape. I watched them kiss and heard the wet sounds of their mouths meeting and their tongues playing. I was a bit neglected until electricity shot through me when Heero’s hand started rubbing my thigh.

Their kiss ended and Heero faced me and leaned in. I looked into his eyes and drowned in the depths. His lips merged with mine ever so softly. We moved our lips together in a gentle kiss, but then I felt his tentative tongue against my bottom lip and I couldn’t resist the temptation to meet his with mine. Our tongues touched and teased lightly. It was enough to drive me wild with lust.

The camera coming closer to capture the moment pulled me out of it. I leaned back slightly. Heero’s hand moved further up my thigh and he whispered: “Relax, Duo. It’s just us.”

_Just us._

His gentle words had the same effect of me as last time. I moved forward for another kiss, wasting no time to deepen it. I explored and claimed his mouth and I loved that he let me.

Heero moaned when WuFei’s mouth latched onto him from the other side, sucking on the skin of his neck hard enough to leave a mark. Then he grabbed his boyfriend’s chin and twisted his head back to face him, it was his turn to ravage his mouth.

Not wanting to be left out, I kissed Heero’s shoulder, which was left exposed by his white tank top. I placed my big hand over his tight abdomen, feeling the muscles tense under my touch and caressed my way up until I found a nipple through the thin, cotton fabric and rubbed my thumb over it. I could feel him shiver and it was delicious. My efforts were rewarded: Heero covered my groin with his hand and kneaded the hard bulge. Judging by the sounds WuFei was making, he was receiving the same, favorable treatment.

With both hands I pulled his tank top out of his jeans and over his head, interrupting the kiss he shared with his boyfriend. I regarded his chest greedily and pinched the nipple closest to me between my fingers and rolled it. He mewled pathetically and I took the opportunity to kiss his mouth again.

“Go ahead and undress and move up the bed,” Encouraged Isaac.

I had genuinely forgotten he was there and did so again as soon as he fell silent. But I heeded the instructions that had been given me. The three of us got up and rid ourselves of our clothing, stealing glances at the other two as we complied.

Heero was the first to crawl onto the bed, completely naked, and he lay down in the center, on his back.  WuFei and I lay down on either side of him. The Chinese man started kissing his way down his boyfriend’s body while I exchanged a hot, charged, open-mouthed kiss with Heero. His hand on the back of my neck was such a simple thing, but so wonderful. A deep moan falling from his lips interrupted our kiss. I looked down and watched WuFei, holding the base of Heero’s shaft in a tight fist, drag his tongue along the head of his cock. My own erection twitched at the sight and the sound of Heero moaning and panting hotly in my ear.

Knowing a thing or two about what he liked based on the videos I had studied I moved my head down and latched my mouth onto a nipple; I suckled on it and flicked the nub with my tongue. With my fingers I drew feather light patterns on his stomach, leaving a trail of goosebumps.

Heero bucked his hips when WuFei took more of him into his mouth.

Isaac’s voice made its way through the heavy fog: “You two should take turns sucking his dick.”

I bit the nipple for good measure and then scooted further down his body. I observed for a minute. WuFei moved his mouth up and down Heero’s beautiful cock. He stopped suddenly and shifted his position to kiss and nip at the hipbone of his lover.

_That’s my cue_ , I thought. I took him into my hand and stroked him first. His skin was slick with WuFei’s saliva and my fist moved easily. Recognizing that all my inhibitions had vanished into thin air and what I was left with was sheer _want_ and _need_ , I locked my lips around the pink head and after a few, experimental downward strokes, I relaxed and took his entire length into my mouth, making sure to press his hips down into the mattress so he wouldn’t suddenly thrust up.

“Oh, fuck!” Heero yelled and he delved his fingers into my thick hair.

I deep-throated him a couple more times and then ‘handed the torch back over’ to WuFei.

At Isaac’s request we both licked at Heero’s dick, at the same time. Heero had raised himself up on his elbows and was watching intently. I met his gaze a few times and I could see the lust clouding up the normally bright blue orbs.

“I want you two to kiss each other,” The Japanese man expressed.

I looked at WuFei for guidance, I wasn’t sure what to do. It turned out I didn’t have to waste any time trying to figure it out. Without warning, WuFei pushed forward and locked our lips together. It was a little painful and uncomfortable at first, too much teeth and us both too aggressive, but we relaxed and got into it. I surrendered first and let his tongue explore my mouth. Later he returned the favor. He was a good kisser, I determined. Strong and demanding, but that was hot.

The kiss ended and WuFei fixed mischievous eyes on his boyfriend who had been watching with slack jaw the entire time. “Did you like that, baby?”

Heero groaned in pleasure but did argue: “Don’t call me ‘baby’.”

He grinned and crawled up the bed and turned Heero onto his side so they lay face to face. He entangled their legs and kissed him passionately. Their hips moved together.

Uncertain of what was expected of me, but too horny to sit by idly and wait for an invitation, I moved up the bed and lay flush behind Heero. I sunk my teeth into his shoulder and then soothed the mark I left with my tongue. My erection was pressed into the cleft of Heero’s ass. Forbidden territory. I became aware of WuFei’s glare, warning me to honor our agreement.

“Get him ready with your fingers, Duo,” Isaac directed.

As a way of asking for permission I held two fingers out to WuFei and asked him to get them wet for me. If he wouldn’t, I had my answer. 

He broke his lip lock with Heero and held my wrist steady with a tight, almost painful grip and took my fingers into his mouth. My cocked jumped up and down at having a blowjob imitated on my digits and the prospect of getting a little more intimate with Heero than I previously thought was allowed.

He let go of my hand and I positioned my fingers at Heero’s opening, pressing against the pucker. I whispered in his ear: “May I?”

He looked over his shoulder with the need evident in his eyes. “Yes, please,” He breathed. His mouth opened in a soundless moan when I pushed the first finger inside him and shortly after I worked in the second digit.

WuFei kissed him, drinking his moans as I started to move my fingers in and out of him. Heero arched his back and pressed his bottom against me. I kissed his back, between his shoulder blades and muttered obscenities against his skin. It took all my willpower to keep myself from replacing my fingers with my cock. He was so tight and so wanton. His ass was beautiful, just like those running shorts and his sexy pair of leather pants had always implied. I wanted to pound into him badly, watch the force cause a ripple in those round, shapely ass-cheeks.

The pre-come leaking from my erection left a glistening spot on the small of Heero’s back.

“I think he’s ready,” Our cameraman concluded after a while.

I pulled out my fingers and smiled hearing Heero’s whimper at the loss. I buried my nose into the hair at the nape of his neck, breathing in the scent of sweat and sex. I couldn’t detect a trace of Isaac’s cologne in the air.

WuFei got up from the bed and retrieved a bottle of lube from the nightstand drawer. He motioned his boyfriend to position himself on all fours on the edge of the bed where WuFei was standing.

“Yeah, that’s good.” Isaac moved around the room to get a better angle. Once WuFei had rubbed enough lubricant onto his arousal, he moved the camera in close for a gratuitous shot.

The Chinese man grabbed Heero’s hips, pulling him back a little more. With one hand he aimed the head of his cock and all I could see was Heero’s expression changing as he felt the erection passing the tight ring of muscles and pushing into him. A drawn out wail escaped him. He fixed his gaze on me and I swallowed audibly.

Reactively I took my arousal into my hand and pumped my fist up and down to release some of the building pressure.

“Duo, join in,” Isaac urged.

_How?_ I was a little intimidated.

“Get behind WuFei,” Isaac suggested, but the idea was instantly shut down.

“I don’t bottom,” The raven-haired man declared.

Heero provided the solution when he expressed, his voice dripping with desire: “I want to suck his cock while WuFei fucks me.”

I didn’t need to be told twice. I scooted closer, maneuvering myself to sit in front of Heero, my legs spread. He placed his hands on my hips, resting some of his weight on me, pushing me into the mattress. Where his fingers dug into my skin he left white marks, he might even leave bruises, but I didn’t care. I watched, enthralled. I held my erection steady by the base, it was practically dancing in anticipation.

He waited a little longer to get adjusted to WuFei’s size inside of him, but not too long. He was eager, I could tell. He lowered his shoulders, bringing his mouth close to the head of my cock. He flicked his tongue along the head and my balls tightened almost painfully; I was so close. First he kissed and licked the head. Judging by his grin he was fully aware of the fact that his coy approach was driving me crazy. Then his gaze met mine and he took as much of me into his mouth as he could. The wet heat that enveloped me was delicious. I groaned senselessly. I wanted to keep eye contact with him as he started to suck me off earnestly, but the pleasure was too much. I closed my eyes, opened my mouth and threw my head back. I focused on the sounds. The soft wet sounds of Heero’s mouth – his moans were silent but I felt the vibrations -, WuFei’s grunts and the sound of flesh slapping together in that primal rhythm.

“I’m not going to last long.” I had barely managed to ground out the words when my climax caught me off guard. Evidently I had been even closer than I had estimated.

Heero swallowed the first spurt, but pulled back slightly and let the rest of it shoot against his cheek.

I preferred my partners to swallow it, or take it up the ass, but from what I had seen in the videos, the site wanted the models to shoot their load onto each other, not into each other. Someone must have decided that would be the better cumshot.

Since I had reached my climax, WuFei pulled Heero upright. He had one arm wrapped around his torso possessively. With his free hand he jerked him off.

Even though I had played my part, I didn’t want to miss out. I sat up on my knees in front of Heero and kissed him deeply before licking my own come off his cheek. The dark eyes with which he regarded me sent shivers down my spine.

Suddenly, he let out a shrill cry and then I felt the warmth of his passion on my abdomen and thighs.

WuFei growled. He pulled out of his lover and pushed us both down onto the mattress. Heero and I lay shoulder to shoulder and looked up at WuFei who towered over us, jerking himself off. “Kiss,” He ordered gruffly.

We turned our heads to face each other and shared a lazy kiss. We were both completely spent.

The black-haired man groaned. He announced his impending orgasm through gritted teeth and then he leaned forward, his hand resting on Heero’s bent knee, and he came. The drops of milky white fluid landed on his boyfriend. He cast a satisfied look at his handiwork and then collapsed onto the bed on Heero’s other side.

The three of us lay on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, panting loudly.

“That was amazing, guys!” Isaac praised. “But Duo should do more than just give and receive blowjobs next time.”

“Next time?” We wondered in unison.

Isaac chuckled.

Doing it more than once hadn’t been the plan and in the aftermath we were all pretty convinced that it had been a singular event. We were all determined to let things go back to normal.

With the money I purchased the expensive, high-end keyboard and I played a lot to keep my mind off other things.

I soon had a change of heart about another go-round. I realized Isaac had been right with his assertion when I first watched the video of us. It was uploaded to the site nearly four weeks after we had shot it. In spite of our inexperience at a threesome – which showed in the final product – the popularity of the video skyrocketed.

The commenters exclaimed that they agreed with Isaac comment at the end. The remark about a ‘next time’ had been left in, on purpose, no doubt.

But I didn’t want to do it for them and I didn’t even want to do it for the money. As I had feared, the single taste of Heero’s sweetness had left me addicted. I had been pushing thoughts of lust, desire and possessiveness away to the best of my abilities, but when the video popped up all those denied feelings rushed towards me and collided with me with force and as frightening as it was, I enjoyed that intensity and I sought it out time and time again. I forgot all about my new keyboard. 

It didn’t help that Heero was being innocently flirty with me; suggestive stares, lingering touches, leaning into me when he reached around me to get something out of the fridge. He wasn’t very subtle about it and I suspected that was the plan. Clearly he had had a change of heart as well and his every action seemed intended to remind me that there could be a ‘next time’, if we wanted to. He was enamored with me, I could tell. He _wanted_ me and short of stating this fact point-blank, he made no secret of it. Every time he did my gaze shifted towards WuFei, but I could never tell what he was thinking or feeling. I imagined he wasn’t pleased with the development, this wasn’t part of the plan that he had communicated with me. But he never showed his dismay if he had any; he never glared at me and he never took me aside to give me fair warning. He let it happen, he _watched_ it happen and I couldn’t help but wonder…

_Did he like what he saw?_

I arrived home one day after a long day at school. I was tired and weary and groaned when I heard shouting coming from the bedroom. Not the ecstatic kind, no, the angry kind.

I had never heard them fight like that and it had me worried.

I hurried to make myself a quick dinner – heating up mac and cheese in the microwave – and my plan was to hide in my bedroom and sit out the storm. I didn’t want to leave the apartment, even though I couldn’t stand listening to them fight. I would just have to turn up the volume on my headphones.

I waited anxiously for the microwave to beep. I flinched when I heard Heero’s bedroom door slam open, hitting the wall behind it.

Casting a careful glance over my shoulder I spotted WuFei storming out of the bedroom, buttoning up his shirt as he stalked towards his shoes which were by the couch. He saw me but he didn’t acknowledge my presence.

“I told you, Heero!” He barked, upset about something. “I don’t bottom!”

_Ah…_

“Fuck you! What are you scared of?” Heero challenged. He looked my way but he too was too enraged to greet me, or to let me being there interrupt their fight.

“I’m not scared of anything!” He was so busy making angry gestures with his hands that he didn’t even get around to putting on his shoes. “I don’t like it! I don’t want it! And I don’t understand why you are making such a big deal about it now. You said you love dick, so what’s the problem?”

Heero put his hands on his hips and snarled: “Yes, WuFei, I love dick! I also love my own dick. I’ve got one, in case you’ve forgotten.”

WuFei waved his hand dismissively. “Come on! Don’t even go there, that’s bullshit! I know you have a dick. I’ve sucked it and jerked if off often enough.”

“Sometimes I want more!” He exclaimed.

“So what? Now you don’t love getting fucked anymore?” He finally stepped into his shoes and started working on the laces.

“I didn’t say that!” Heero took a deep breath. “I love it when you fuck me, but I’m curious about… I want to try. I want to know what it feels like. I go mad sometimes trying to imagine what it would be like.”

The microwave beeped and they both looked my way abruptly.

“Sorry, sorry…” I mumbled. I retrieved my bowl of mac and cheese and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator. “Don’t mind me.” I scurried past them and disappeared into my room.

All of a sudden, I wasn’t hungry anymore. I placed my dinner and the water on the desk and then crept back to the door and stood silently on the other side, eavesdropping.

“Can’t we try? You might like it,” Heero pressed.

“I like fucking you and you like getting fucked. We should keep it that way.”

His resolute remark incensed Heero and the Japanese man shot back: “I’m not some kind of bitch, WuFei. I’m a _guy_ , I want-” He stopped himself, realizing the futility in repeating himself once more. “I’ve made it pretty clear what I want. Why are you being so selfish?”

“Fine! You want to top?”

“Yes!”

“You can fuck Duo.”

_What?!_

I nearly fell backwards when a fist rapped against my door unexpectedly. I counted the seconds, waiting the appropriate amount of time – the time it would take if I hadn’t been listening by the door – and then swung the door open with my best imitation of innocence and ignorance. “What’s up?”

“Heero wants to fuck you.”

The man in question sighed. “I didn’t say that.”

WuFei ignored him and asked me: “Do you want to do another threesome and let Heero fuck you?”

“Uh…” I looked to my roommate for guidance, but he kept his mouth shut. He wanted to know my answer as well. “Yeah. Sure.” _Woa…_

“Good.” WuFei nodded and looked over his shoulder at Heero. “Everyone happy now?”

Heero turned his gaze away.

“ _You_ don’t look very happy,” I pointed out to WuFei, but I bit my lip and said no more when he glared at me.

WuFei straightened his shirt and then promptly left the apartment.

Heero stared at the front door. “Sorry you had to hear that,” He said.

I shrugged.

“We don’t have to do it – another threesome... If you don’t want to.”

I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. “I do want to,” I confessed. “But only if you guys want it too.”

“He does. He doesn’t like admitting it, but it hadn’t been that good between us in a long time. And it hasn’t been that good since…” He chuckled breathily. “He can be a real drama queen sometimes.”

“What about you?”

“Hn?”

I leaned against the doorpost. “Do you want it?”

He smirked. “You know I do.”

My lips spread into a wide, goofy smile. “So you’ve really never topped, huh?”

“No.”

Slyly, I replied: “You’re in for a real treat.” I enjoyed the blush that spread across his cheeks.

He took a moment to regain his composure and then inquired: “Do you like bottoming?”

“Sometimes. With the right partner it’s really good. With the wrong partner-” I made a face.

“What kind of partner am I?” He was being purposefully coy.

“I don’t know yet,” I paused in contemplation. “But I have a feeling you are all kinds of _right_.”

He smiled and that was how the conversation ended. He went to take a shower – another hot one, I guessed – and I ate a few bites of my cold mac and cheese.

WuFei was probably right when he observed that this new, positive kind of attention I paid Heero was irresistible to him. As his former bully, no one had ever made him feel worse, but the way I treated him now, openly lustfully and adoringly, was a better compliment than anyone could ever give him. My desire empowered him. And I was happy to empower him. I wanted to negate all the times I tore him down to save my own ass. He realized now that my past behavior hadn’t been sincere, but my current admiration for him was and he enjoyed knowing that. I was happy for him, but at the same time it left me feeling somewhat hollow, because his affections for me were driven by that powerful, irresistible feeling, it wasn’t because he loved me and wanted to be with me the way I wanted to be with him.

The date had been set and that time we were all looking forward to it, even WuFei, who never made mention of their spat and the ugly way in which this sequel had come to be. The couple had made up and behaved as compatible as ever, going on dates and joining me on the couch for movie nights. Sometimes, some nights, as we sat together on that couch, we got a little ‘grope-y’; playful, friendly touches were stretched out and exaggerated. Evidence of our mutual attraction. It was never openly sexual, but that was only because the game of pretend was important at that point. None of us were ready to explore a love-triangle and what that would mean. We kept it superficial and fun, that was the best way to maintain the status quo. Every single one of us was aware that the balance would shift if we tilted only slightly either way. For the moment, teetering was enjoyable, but I believed all three of us were curious to find out which way we would fall. It was an adrenaline rush. I had been bungee jumping in Switzerland during my tour through Europe and the excitement I felt as I stood on the edge of the platform was not unlike what I was experiencing with Heero and WuFei. The anticipation of the fall left me giddy and jittery, I knew what kind of rush and relief awaited me once I stepped off the edge.

Oddly the day started as any other. I had classes in the morning and early afternoon, so I was sitting at the breakfast bar eating my cereal when Heero returned from his daily morning run. Nowadays I ogled shamelessly. I kept my gaze trained on him as he walked into the apartment and pulled at his shirt which stuck to his sweaty skin.

“Good run?” I asked.

Out of breath he answered: “Yeah.” He wiped the sweat off his brow and ran his hand through his damp hair. He got a bottle of water from the refrigerator and leaned back against the counter. I watched his throat work as he gulped down about half of the content. “Classes?”

“Till one thirty. You?”

He shook his head.

“Than what are you going to do all day?” Isaac wouldn’t be getting there until four in the afternoon. Currently, it was seven thirty.

“Jerk off, probably.”

I let out a deep groan but then laughed.

He twisted the cap onto the bottle and admitted: “I’m a bit nervous.”

One of my eyebrows raised at that. “Oh. Why?”

“Because I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“As a top, you mean?”

He nodded and looked away, embarrassed. In that brief moment he looked so much like that young boy I used to know, it was uncanny. “Getting fucked is so much easier and there’s no pressure. If I’m at a loss, all I’ve ever had to do is just lay there.” He laughed sheepishly at himself.

“Don’t worry about it,” I comforted him. “Your body knows what to do.”

He smiled. His face flushed red a little. “You’re not worried that I’m going to screw it up?”

“No.” I got up to put the bowl away in the sink and stood close before him. “I’m looking forward to you fucking me.”

He bit his lower lip. His body swayed forward, towards me, like he was about to kiss me, but he caught himself and leaned back.

We stared at each other and I could feel the sharp charges of electricity between us. I took a step forward, my nose was practically in his hair. I breathed in his sweat, I actually liked the smell of it. It would be so easy to kiss him. He would let me, that much was obvious. _Don’t_ , I warned myself. It would be amazing but it wouldn’t be right. In spite of everything he was still WuFei’s boyfriend, not mine.

“I gotta go,” I whispered.

“Yeah...” He tilted his face up at me. His lips were wet and slightly parted, begging to be kissed. His gaze was hazy, he wasn’t thinking straight. If we did it, we would both regret it. It wasn’t fair to WuFei.

I groaned and stepped back.

Heero let out a breathy chuckle.

I went to my classes dutifully, but I couldn’t keep my mind out of the gutter.

Although I identified myself as versatile, I was aware that I preferred to top. Being the receptive partner could be enjoyable, but I loved reducing a guy to a moaning mess. The greatest thrill was making another guy come with just my cock up his ass, rubbing past his prostrate. That being said, I was easily aroused by the prospect of getting fucked by Heero. I yearned for that closeness to him and what made it all the more intimate was the fact that it would be his first time as the ‘pitcher’. I had always thought that one of the great things about being gay and exploring anal sex, was that you could have your first time twice; once as the bottom and once as the top. And you would always remember both those times. It excited me to become a part of Heero’s life like that. I wanted him to experience that kind of pleasure and I wanted to be the one to give him that.

I understood where WuFei was coming from. I had met other tops who refused to ever take on the receptive role – and vice versa as well. Many people had clearly defined preferences and there was nothing wrong with that. But Heero seemed like the kind of guy you would bend your own rules for.

I went home and had lunch with Heero. Sitting closely together at the bar, our knees would sometimes brush and the electricity that sparked through my body charged me. I felt hyper-sensitized.

WuFei arrived at the same time as Isaac. We went into the bedroom and sat next to each other on the bed again. Like the first time, WuFei and I exchanged kisses with Heero and we all took turns jerking each other off. When Isaac gave us the all-clear to undress, we didn’t politely strip ourselves, instead we tore the clothes off the others. Buttons popped and seams split.

WuFei had Heero ride him first. It was a routine they easily slipped into and Heero made no objections. He sat in his boyfriend’s lap, facing way from him, leaning back on his hands. He moved his hips up and down in a relentless rhythm, maybe trying to prove to his lover how much he still loved having his dick up his ass, in spite of their argument earlier. I was on my knees next to them, kissing Heero’s mouth and forming a tight fist around his erection. I held my arm still and let him fuck my hand. The intensity of the kisses left me feeling heady and dizzy. The soft, pathetic moans that escaped me drove me wild. When we parted for air, we would both open our eyes and stare into each other; staring straight through the fog of lust and sheer need.

Isaac wasn’t informed of what we had agreed on, so all he suggested after a while was that I should ‘do more’.

“Heero is going to fuck me,” I declared and I felt him get even harder in my palm. I grinned at him.

“Do it up against the wall,” Isaac said.

Heero wasted no time, he climbed off his boyfriend and we both got up from the bed.

WuFei remained seated and merely watched us with hooded, unreadable eyes.

I braced myself against the wall and Heero quickly materialized behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I told him lightheartedly: “Go easy on me, okay?”

He nodded and then looked down to pour a generous amount of lube onto his manhood. He placed his slick hands on my hips and positioned himself. I had quickly prepped myself in the bathroom before, just to be sure, since I hadn’t bottomed in so long and I didn’t want Heero to have to worry about hurting me.

Although Heero was shorter than me, his legs were long and with me standing with my feet far apart, we fit together well enough. I sucked in a deep breath when I felt the blunt head of his erection against my entrance. I released the air in a trembling chuckle. “Yeah, do it.”

He pressed forward but it wasn’t going in. It didn’t seem like the opening would accept him, until suddenly the ring of muscles stretched to accommodate him and the first few inches of his length slipped into me. Heero let out a gratified cry at the new sensations. He leaned his forehead against my back, between my shoulder blades. “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh my God…”

“That feels good,” I said between pants. “Give me more.”

He complied, with small thrusts he worked himself further into my body until he filled me completely and we let out a moan in unison. With his arousal buried deep inside me, he paused and placed kisses on my back.

I smiled. “Do you like that?”

“Oh, yeah. Gods, yes!” He ground out. He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his chest against my back. I could feel his body shiver and I could feel his cock pulse within.

“Fuck me, Heero. I’m ready. You know what to do. Give it to me.”

He repositioned his hands to my hips and held me steady as he pulled out and then slammed back in. We both moaned. He soon built up to an unforgiving pace, rutting into me. It was rough and imprecise but honest and passionate and we both loved it. I arched my back and met his thrusts. My hands against the wall formed into white-knuckled fists. Whenever he brushed by my prostrate in the right way, it was by luck alone, but it was more than enough. If he stimulated it with any accuracy I would be spilling my load onto the wall far too soon.

I could hear him panting behind me, his hot breath spreading across my back. His fingers were squeezing the flesh at my hips. He moaned and bit into my shoulder. The pleasure was overwhelming to him and in turn that intensified my own excitement and gratification. 

Suddenly he stopped.

I looked over my shoulder and saw WuFei had joined us. He had come to stand behind Heero. One arm encircled his boyfriend’s heaving chest and with a hand on his chin he had tilted his head back so he could ravage his mouth. Once he was satisfied, he pushed Heero forward until he was flush against my back. The Japanese man cried out sharply and his fingers dug further into my hips, hard enough to hurt, as WuFei rejoined their bodies in a single thrust.

We moved together as a threesome and we were all equally vocal. WuFei let out his signature grunts. Heero was crying out. And I was moaning shamelessly with every breath.

“I want to come inside you,” Heero expressed. The urgency in his voice made it clear he was close.

“I want you to.” It wasn’t the cumshot the site would have preferred, but we weren’t bothering with their wishes at that point. It was about us. _Just us_. I took my arousal into my hand. I understood Heero was too caught up in the sensations to be able to pay it any attention. A few thrusts later I could feel him spill inside my passage and it was enough to tip me over the edge. I soiled the blue wall of his bedroom and Heero collapsed against me.

Whether WuFei came inside him or if he pulled out and jerked off onto his back I didn’t know and I didn’t care. My legs were turning to jelly and I leaned my full weight against the wall for support, still trying to catch my breath. I ignored the camera that was being shoved in my face.

Once Isaac deemed he had all the necessary shots of the aftermath, he turned off the camera and complimented us on a job well-done.

Heero pulled out of me and I felt his semen trail down the inside of my thigh. The heady rush left me feeling victorious. The last thing I felt, before a sudden cold washed over me once he stepped back, was a reverent kiss on my neck.

We struggled to clean ourselves up and put our clothes back on and had a laughing fit when WuFei came to conclusion that his shirt was ruined – we found buttons everywhere – and he pouted about it.

Isaac left shortly after, promising us it would be another ‘stellar video’.

Jealousy reared its ugly head again when WuFei pulled Heero close for a kiss. Once their lips parted, he asked with a grin: “Did you have fun?”

“Yes. Thank you,” His boyfriend replied.

I was about to excuse myself, walking past them with the intention of exiting the bedroom, when Heero took hold of the front of my shirt, twisting his fingers into the fabric, and he yanked me towards him. He kissed me and my eyes were wide open in shock.

“And thank _you_ ,” Heero said. His expression was playful.

As soon as I had recollected my wits I shot back smoothly: “Anytime.”

WuFei stayed for dinner. We ordered pizza and ate on the couch like slobs, dripping cheese and dropping slices of tomato everywhere. Heero invited WuFei to sleep over, but his boyfriend reminded him that he had to be at the airport at four in the morning for his flight to Shanghai. He had a long weekend so he was going to visit his family and he planned on buying them all something nice with the money he had just made. He didn’t stick around for movie night, but he left in a good mood.

The door fell shut behind him and it was just me and Heero again.

_Just us._

I casually stretched my arm over the back of the couch and the tips of my fingers found his wild, soft hair. I played with the strands absentmindedly until I noticed he was looking at me. My hand froze, but I didn’t retreat. Without a word he redirected his gaze back to the TV screen and relaxed in his seat a little more, leaning his head back further. At that point my hand was pressed against the top of his head. Boldly, I stroked my thumb back and forth and I felt a warmth spread throughout me and burn white hot in my fingertips when he sighed pleasantly and closed his eyes.

The moment ended abruptly when a loud explosion on screen jostled Heero out of his half-conscious state. He sat up and yawned. He stretched his arms and popped his shoulders and announced he was going to bed.

I watched him walk out of the living room, my fingers fidgeting, missing him already.

Over breakfast the next morning, he asked me: “How are you feeling?” His hair was still damp from his shower. He sat down next to me with a bowl of yoghurt and a bowl of fresh fruit.

“Good.” Bored by my cereal I reached for one of the strawberries.

“Sore?” He inquired further.

I grinned at him. “A little.”

His eyes sparkled with mischief. He apologized, insincerely.

“Don’t sweat it. I liked it. And I like knowing that it wasn’t just a dream.”

He smiled and brought a spoonful of yoghurt up to his lips, followed by a slice of peach.

“What about you? Are you a full-on top now?” I nudged him playfully.

“No.” He chuckled. “I loved it, but… I also still really love-… you know.” He blushed and it was endearing. “I would like to do it again sometime though.”

“Yeah. Well, maybe WuFei will have a change of heart some day and will let you.”

He looked down at his breakfast. “I wasn’t really talking about WuFei.”

“Oh.” I laughed it off and said: “His ass will feel just as good as mine, you know?”

He shrugged. “I don’t want to fuck him if he doesn’t want me to. I did at first, because I needed to know what it was like. Now that I do… I don’t think I could enjoy it if he doesn’t enjoy it.”

I nodded. Sex was never as fun, nor pleasurable, as it should be when the other wasn’t into it. That happened to me once and I felt disgusting afterwards, like I had taken advantage of him. The vibe got really ‘rape-y’, even though we had both given explicit consent. It was a good thing I left for France the next day anyway, because we both couldn’t look the other in the eye. “So, you would want another three-way?”

“We had fun both times, right?”

With a smirk I had to agree.

His mood turned serious and he revealed candidly: “It’s the only thing that really excites me right now. When I have sex with WuFei – _just_ WuFei – something is missing. It has been that way for a while, but never more obvious than it is now. He feels it too, I can tell.” He took another bite and chewed pensively. “When you are there, I feel-… I feel-…” He made a vague gesture, unable to find the words to express himself.

“I know. I feel it too.”

He looked at me piercingly.

“I like you,” I admitted with a shrug. “More than a roommate. More than a friend.” _We promised each other ‘no bullshit’, right?_ But my heart was pounding with fear. Not just a fear of rejection, but also a fear of…

“I like you too.”

A fear of _that_.

“I like you the same way I like WuFei,” He continued and I got the sense he was purposefully avoiding the use of the other L-word to not freak me out. “Is it crazy if I say you _make_ me like WuFei again? The way I used to, in the beginning?”

I didn’t know what to say. I stared into my bowl of cereal.

“Our relationship wasn’t what it used to be. It had lost its shine. It was dull and boring. I thought WuFei was dull and boring and I suspect he thought the same of me. But when you are with us, it’s better. I feel excited and I can laugh and I can _breathe_. You make us better together. You make us shine,” He finished poignantly and he laid a hand on my shoulder.

“I- Uh… I’m happy to help.” I offered him a dark smile.

“It’s not about that.” He sighed and replaced his hand on my shoulder with his forehead. “I want more than your help. I want _you_.”

“ _And_ WuFei.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t see that working out.”

He raised his head. His expression was conflicted.

“I don’t like WuFei the way I like you. And WuFei doesn’t like me that was either.”

“What if he did?”

“He doesn’t,” I argued and I got up and cleared away my bowl, dumping my soggy cereal in the trash. “I’m happy to lend a helping hand, excuse the pun. Yesterday and that first time, was amazing and I’ll take as much of it as is offered to me. But you are with WuFei and I don’t want to get in the middle of that.” I wasn’t sure if that was bullshit or not. I hadn’t quite figured it out. Part of me did want it, the part of me that wanted Heero so desperately, but another part of me whispered many reasons in my ear why I shouldn’t get involved. They were good reasons, but I didn’t know yet if I was susceptible to the logic of them.

Hoping to lighten the mood I ruffled his wild hair as I walked past him and headed into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I stared at my own reflection. I was pretty sure I had done the _right_ thing, but it felt wrong and that didn’t compute.

Whatever he had just offered me, I thought to myself, he shouldn’t offer again, because I didn’t trust my ability to keep refusing him. The leap and the thrill of the fall beckoned, even as I was aware that it would likely end horribly, there was no safety-net.   



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for Part Five: Language, dirty-talk, malexmalexmale threesome, masturbation/handjob, anal sex, oral sex, double penetration, post-coital fingering and mild dubious consent (not really, he’s definitely willing, but I’m taking every precaution). 
> 
> Seriously: smutty smutty smutty smutty smutty smutty smutty!
> 
> Please check out “A different point of view” so you’ll know I’m not a total pervert, because this chapter is going to make me seem like a total pervert :S Don’t judge.

**_Part Five_ **

 

I applied myself to my school work and my music. With the new earnings I bought a sophisticated recording and mixing program, for my new laptop. I plugged my headphones into the keyboard and played away most of the days. As a form of practice, I spread flyers at the park, grocery stores and coffee shops, advertising myself as a piano-teacher. I taught a couple of kids how to play ‘Chopsticks’ for seven bucks per hour. It wasn’t very glamorous, but neither was shooting porn vids. It didn’t matter much to me that the ‘musical talent’ of my students was cringe worthy, I liked how happy they looked when they finished a piece without missing a key and how proud the parents of one girl were when we had a miniature recital at her house. Of course I didn’t tell them that the twelve-year-old’s pacing was off and that she played the finale two keys too low. Music was about more than being played right, at its core, it was only about being played; it didn’t matter which way.

Our video was uploaded but even though I had a free membership and full access to the site, I resisted watching it. Seeing it wouldn’t help me in any way, shape, or form. I had to be mindful of the fact that after the conversation I had had with Heero one morning over breakfast, I wouldn’t be invited into the bedroom again, in spite of what Heero had said. Since we had more or less confessed we had feelings for each other, sex would be much more loaded. If I would be invited, I would accept without hesitation, but I had to prepare for a possible let-down. Jerking-off to our own sex-tape was not a logical part of that preparation.

I had my headphones on so I didn’t hear the knock on my door. It wasn’t until my gaze followed my hand to the far left of the keyboard to hit the sharp C that I saw someone in my peripheral vision and I practically jumped out of my seat and deafened myself punching on a handful of keys at the same time.

Heero apologized and explained sheepishly: “I knocked.”

I took off my headphones. “It’s okay, I was just…” I made a dismissive gesture with my hand and put away my music sheets. I tried not to look at him and at the same time not come off as if I was avoiding looking at him; a very delicate and challenging balance. I didn’t want to look too long and notice how his legs went on for days in those amazing leather pants, or notice how his blue shirt drew taut around his chest and I could see the shape of his nipples. 

“What were you playing?”

“Something stupid.” Before he would think I was insulting one of the classics, I elaborated: “Something I wrote myself.”

“Is it for an assignment?”

“Uh, no. Lately I’ve just been… trying to write some stuff, you know?”

He leaned his hip against the doorpost. “Will you play one of your songs for me someday?”

“Someday, sure. They’re not ready yet, though. What’s up?”

“I scored a ninety-eight percent on my advanced virtual reality programming course-”

“Congratulations!”

“Actually, I’m kind of pissed about the two percent, so WuFei and I are going to go dancing. Angry dry-humping on the dance floor always works for me.” He grinned. “If you want to come…”

I shook my head. Going out with the two of them would either end in an awkward evening of me being the odd-man out, or an even more awkward evening of us as a three-way couple. That was a little too daunting for me at the time. “Nah, I’m going to stay in.”

“Do you have any more tests tomorrow?”

“Nope, all done. And I have the whole week off before the next semester starts. And then it’s only a few more weeks until spring break, so…” I rambled on.

“How did you do?”

“Huh?”

“On your exams?” He clarified.

“I feel pretty good about it. Not ‘ninety-eight-percent’ good, but-… you know?” I shrugged and smiled at him.

“Great.” He opened his mouth to say something else, perhaps extend the invitation to join them once more, just to be sure, but he was cut off by his phone beeping and humming as it vibrated. He fished it out of the back pocket of his tight leather pants and looked at the screen. “That’s WuFei, he’s waiting for me downstairs. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye. Have fun.”

He shut the door behind him, but before he did I got a nice glimpse of his ass and he may very well have engineered it that way.

_Ahh, those pants are awesome_ , I thought to myself with an audible groan. 

I placed my headphones over my ears again and continued playing, in an attempt to keep my mind from wandering, but I achieved mixed results. Sometimes, as I heard the notes, I vividly imagined Heero swaying his hips to an entirely different rhythm of pounding music, grinding his pelvis against WuFei. I slowed the pacing to something far too boring to dance to and the imagine vanished.

Heero didn’t come home that night and that caused self-doubt to gnaw at me. Maybe, if I had gone with them, we would be having a great time together, instead of me sitting alone in my room, thinking of what they would be doing without me.

It was early in the morning and I was sitting at the breakfast bar. I hadn’t gotten much sleep, I had been tossing and turning and even though I was exhausted, I couldn’t stand to stay in that bed any longer. Sleeping-in was not going to happen anyway. I didn’t bother with cereal and instead nursed a cup of strong, black coffee on an empty stomach. I straightened up when I heard a jingle of keys at the other side of the door. I watched as Heero stumbled in.

“You’re up,” He observed.

“Hn.” I looked him up and down. He was in last night’s clothes. The leather pants looked as good as ever but the shirt was rumpled, as was his hair. The I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-after-a-long-night-of-wild-lovemaking look was a good look on him, but I narrowed my eyes at it. I didn’t like that he looked that way without me having had something to do with it. “Did you have fun?”

He leaned back against the door and grinned sloppily. “Sure.”

I chuckled and got up from my seat to pour him a cup. “You are still drunk.”

“A little bit, yeah,” He disclosed.

“Sit down, before you keel over.”

With uncoordinated movements he hoisted himself onto the other barstool. He accepted the coffee I handed him with thankful eyes, but he made a face after the first sip. “God, that’s strong.”

“I’ll make you some breakfast to go with that.”

“French toast?” He mewled pathetically.

“Sure.” I set to work and ten minutes of quiet later I served him a plate with two slices of French toast, accompanied with cinnamon, sugar and syrup. “You are disgusting,” I teased as I watched him wolf down his meal.

He nodded in agreement. His bangs, dancing back and forth, were comical. I wanted to touch them, but I stopped myself.

“Did WuFei drop you off?”

“Yeah.”

“Is he in as bad of a shape as you?” I felt like a parent, asking him all these questions and taking care of him with unspoken judgment.

“Nooo,” He drawled.

“He didn’t drink and drive?”

“No, _mom_.” He looked up mirthfully.

I laughed and apologized.

He ate his fill and finished a large glass of orange juice before hitting the shower, and then he slept through most of the day. He left the door to his bedroom open and sometimes I would peek into his room. After his shower, he had only put on a pair of black underpants and a white tank top, which had ridden up his torso. He lay diagonally on the bed, on his stomach, on top of the sheets. The golden skin of his long legs, lower back, arms and neck was left exposed. He breathed heavily and evenly. The window was open and the wind played with his hair as it dried in the air.

I desired nothing more but to be allowed to step inside, climb onto the bed and kneel next to his resting body, letting my hands lovingly adjust his top and massage his shoulders while he slept. I wanted to kiss the top of his head and then settle next to him and fall asleep right beside him.

_Do I want that badly enough to be willing to share him with WuFei?_ I asked myself. I was beginning to expect that the answer was affirmative, in spite of the fact that I knew it was wrong and would be doomed to fail.

A week before spring break WuFei came over for another evening of food and film. We got settled on the couch, Heero in the middle, taking charge of the bowl of popcorn.

I was about to start the movie and had the remote pointed at the TV when Heero suddenly covered my hand with his and had me lower the remote control.

“Actually,” He started, “This seems like as good a time as any to ask him.” He looked back at WuFei and his boyfriend nodded.

“Ask me what?”

Heero turned in his seat to face me and explained: “As you know, WuFei and I are going to spend the week of spring break in China with his family, but we were talking about it and we realized that a week really wasn’t long enough to do all the sightseeing we wanted to do and we were even thinking of making a trip to Japan.”

“Okay…”

“So we are planning to go again in the summer and do some real traveling. We could really use some extra cash to finance that trip.”

I understood what he was getting at. “Oh.” I couldn’t deny the excitement that sparked in the depth of my stomach.

“You see where this is going?”

“Yeah. You want me to do another video with you guys.”

Heero and WuFei both nodded. “The threesome stuff pays the most and- and we also like it the most… Are you interested?”

“Sure. I’m in.” I tried to sound as cool as possible.

Heero smiled. “Excellent.”

We watched the movie as planned, but my thoughts strayed uncontrollably and, based on the silence of my company, they were both thinking about something other than the amusing action-comedy as well.

It was the third time, so I wasn’t nervous anymore, only excited.

Isaac was there with his camera as always, but it had become easy for me to ignore him and focus solely on my partners.

With instructions to drag out the foreplay longer than we had before, we took our time making out, jerking each other off and giving blowjobs. A special treat was Heero and WuFei taking turns going down on me, both of them making comments about how big I was; a nice boost to my ego.

Not until Isaac gave the green light did the scene evolve.

WuFei lay down on his back on the bed and Heero climbed on top of him. He reached back and held his boyfriend’s arousal steady and lowered himself onto it. I was content sitting by and exchanging kisses with both Heero and WuFei, stroking myself to relieve some of the pressure that was already building. Later, I stood up on the bed and had Heero suck me off as he still sat on top of WuFei, who was working his hips up and down brutally.

I dug my fingers into Heero’s wild hair, looking down at him greedily. Receiving pleasure inside and out from his boyfriend who was fucking him and fisting his erection, Heero wasn’t very focused, but his hot mouth in combination with the sight, sound and even the smell – not the smell of Isaac’s cologne but the smell of sex – were more than enough to satisfy me. So I wasn’t planning on being any more involved than I already was, but then my cock nearly leapt free from Heero’s mouth when Isaac suggested:

“You should fuck him too, Duo. Get in there with WuFei.”

_Double penetration?_ Instinctively I looked to WuFei first, for permission and his words shocked me more than Isaac’s.

“Yeah, do it,” He groaned, “Fuck him with me.”

It was something I had never done before, but I was eager to try it. I moved around them and knelt behind Heero, between WuFei’s spread legs.

The Japanese man only then seemed to become aware of what was happening. “What?” His tone was frightful.

I kissed his back and let my fingers ghost over his ass-cheeks and boldly fondled WuFei’s sack. “Please, Heero,” I begged him. Of course I wasn’t going to do anything without his permission. “I want to be inside you so badly.” I reached around him and took over from WuFei, working my fist up and down his entire length. Heero arched his back, pressing himself against me. His head fell back on my shoulder and I latched my mouth onto his neck. My other hand I brought up to his chest to thumb his erect nipples. “Please, Heero,” I breathed hotly in his ear.

“The site pays the receptive partner five hundred bucks extra for double penetration,” Isaac informed, hoping to sway him.

Heero wasn’t convinced. Money wasn’t the issue.

“Don’t you want to know what it’s like, Heero?” I challenged. “Don’t you wonder what it feels like to be _stretched_ like that?”

He moaned loudly.

“And _filled_?” I looked over his shoulder, down at WuFei. He was watching with dark, clouded eyes. His chest shone with sweat. His mouth was open and his tongue wet his bottom lip. He was enjoying my method of convincing Heero as much as Heero seemed to be. I shifted forwards and pressed the head of my cock against him, at where his opening stretched around WuFei’s thickness.

I continued: “Don’t you want to feel our cocks throb deep inside you?”

“Ahh! Yes… Hnnn. Okay, do it…” He consented with a bright red blush.

The Chinese man pulled his boyfriend down for a deep kiss.

Isaac helpfully handed me the bottle of lube that we had discarded on the foot of the bed and I poured a lot of the cold liquid onto my arousal and used my fingers to apply more directly to Heero as well. I got into position and held my dick steady by the base. WuFei, fully seated inside him, held his hips still. He distracted Heero with kisses and touches, helping him relax.

At first, it didn’t seem like I was going to fit inside him alongside WuFei. Heero groaned in between kisses and I implored him to tell me if it was too painful and if he wanted me to stop. He told me that he wanted me to keep going. In spite of my concerns, I applied more pressure. My hard shaft bent, so I moved my hand further up to the tip to support and guide it and when I leaned forward a little more he opened up and I pushed the head inside.

Heero buried his face in the juncture of WuFei’s neck and shoulder and his cries were muffled by the pillow.

He felt _so good_. With small thrusts I worked my entire length into him. I paused and leaned my forehead against his back, I had to stop or I would come then and there. I could feel WuFei’s manhood, pressed tightly against mine in Heero’s tight passage, pulse and twitch and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. But Heero’s uneven breaths and sharp moans caused me concern.

“Shhh… Shhhh…” WuFei tried to comfort him, stroking his hair and kissing his cheek and his ear.

Heero let out a drawn out, shuddering moan.

“Just breathe, Heero. Try to relax. It will be alright. It will feel good,” I tried to assure him.

“Easy for you to say!”

“Do you want me to pull out?”

He groaned. “… No. _Fuck_.”

We gave him more time to adjust. WuFei pulled his head up from the pillow and kissed him passionately and I rained kisses on his back. I could feel the quivers in the stretched passage and sometimes it would tense and tighten around us and all three of us would moan deeply.

Finally – although it couldn’t have been more than a minute, it felt like ‘finally’ – Heero whispered breathily: “I’m ready. Ah! Fuck me.”

I clenched my jaw in effort – the effort to stay my orgasm – and started moving. WuFei held still. My cock dragged along his length and Heero’s sensitive tissues with each thrust. I was slow and careful at first, letting us all enjoy the pressure and the friction, but eventually I built up the pace until the feedback from my two lovers was most favorable.

“This feels so good…” I appreciated.

Both of them groaned in agreement.

I sped up a little more. “Do you like this Heero?”

The young man started to sob. “Yes. Yes! Ohh!”

“You’re doing great, Heero.”

“Ahhh, ah! It feels good!” He moaned freely. “This is so intense!”

I dropped my head down, leaning on Heero’s back. The movements of my hips became resolute and goal-oriented. We were all moaning gratuitously, overwhelmed by the intensity of the pleasure. My partners went quiet for a minute as they shared a kiss, but with a sharp gasp Heero ended the kiss and pressed his nose against WuFei’s neck again.

“Help Heero come, WuFei,” Isaac whispered.

With his boyfriend’s expertise Heero was brought to his orgasm swiftly. Isaac moved in with the camera to capture the white evidence of his passion shooting onto WuFei’s torso.

As he enjoyed the last contractions of his orgasm WuFei cupped his face in both his hand and he reconnected their mouths. I waited for their lips to part and then it was my turn. My right arm snaked around his body and I urged him upright until his shoulders were against my chest, with his back arched beautifully. The demanding movement of my hips never faltered. Heero turned his head to look at me over his shoulder, his eyes were a cloudy, darker shade of blue. I enticed him into a lazy but satisfying open-mouthed kiss, getting drunk on the taste of him and the sound of the small sounds he made. I ran my free hand through his damp hair.

“You feel so wonderful,” I said against his reddened, swollen lips.

I kept fucking him. I never wanted it to end but my body was mercilessly approaching the climax and judging by WuFei’s grunts he wouldn’t last much longer either. I slowed down the pace in an attempt to make it last, but I couldn’t buy us more than a few minutes of this ultimate pleasure until I couldn’t suppress my instincts any longer and I thrusted into him harder and faster.

“I’m close…” I ground out.

“Go for the cumshot, guys,” Isaac reminded us.

I wanted to come inside him, but I also felt responsible to please the website, so with a growl I pulled out and lifted his hips up, taking him off of WuFei’s erection. I pushed Heero onto his back on the bed next to his boyfriend, he was completely spent and exhausted. WuFei raised himself up on his knees, mirroring my pose. We both loomed over Heero and jerked ourselves off frantically. Heero regarded us with his hooded eyes. His chest was heaving as he still worked to catch his breath.

My hand was quite the disappointment compared to Heero’s hot, wanton body so it took me a while to get myself back to the edge. The black-haired man next to me was having the same struggle.

I came first, with a sharp cry, but WuFei followed suit and we shot our loads onto Heero’s golden skin. Then we collapsed onto the bed on either side of him.

WuFei reached out and turned Heero’s head to face him and he captured his lips in a passionate kiss. “You were so good.”

I rolled onto my side next to him and grabbed Heero’s chin and tilted his head so I could kiss him next. I echoed WuFei’s sentiment. “Thank you for letting me be inside you,” I added breathlessly.

WuFei and I were both pretty enchanted with Heero in that blissful moment. I felt like Heero had just given me a wonderful, precious gift, something truly special and I was certain WuFei felt the same. A gift like that deserved a reward to express my gratitude.

Boldly I reached between his legs and easily slipped two fingers into him. The channel was slick from the excess amount of lube and heated from the friction. The muscles trembled and pulsed around my digits. I caressed his prostrate, enjoying the whimpers and moans that poured from his parted lips. I grinned and captured his mouth in another kiss.

“Please… stop…” He mewled pathetically, once I released his lips. “Ahh…”

WuFei leaned in. “Why?” He pointed out: “You’re hard again.”

I looked down Heero’s body at his red, weeping erection. WuFei puts his thumb and forefinger around the head and teased it with a feather light touch, being sure not to stimulate the hypersensitive arousal too roughly or his touch could have an adverse effect. WuFei’s other hand grips around both of Heero’s wrists and he pins them against the pillow above his head, demanding his submission.  

“I don’t think I can come again,” Heero whined but his gasps and moans at the attention he was receiving suggested otherwise.

It had been nearly fifteen minutes since he had orgasmed and I felt reasonably confident, based on his reactions, that we could make him come again with the right ministrations. Remembering his sensitive nipples I licked my way down his chest and took the left nub into my mouth and WuFei mimicked my approach.

“Ohhh… fuck…” He threw his head back into the pillow.

I smirked up at him. “Still think you can’t come a second time, baby?”

He glared at me, unable to verbally object to the nickname, but the glare was hardly intimidating, with his blue eyes glazed over and his lips parted to pant and moan.

I kissed my way back up and suckled on his earlobe. I kept fucking him with my fingers and he spread his legs further as the pleasure built. His hips were bucking, thrusting his erection into the fist WuFei’s hand had formed.

WuFei released his other nipple and both of us simply watched his face.

“Fuck! I’m gonna come! I’m gonna come!” He exclaimed in warning. A deep red blush spread across his cheeks and chest.

“That’s okay, baby,” WuFei whispered. “Come for us, we want you to come.”

Heero bared his teeth and opened his mouth in a wild, feral cry when the pleasure peaked. Milky white semen poured from his arousal onto WuFei’s hand and his own, tightened abdomen. “Nnnn… ohh… Fuck you, assholes…”

WuFei and I exchanged a playful look.

 “Jesus. The members are going to go crazy over you three. Fuck, that was hot,” Isaac remarked.

I blinked up at him, a little shocked and embarrassed to realize he had been there the entire time, recording all of it. I had completely forgotten about him. His interruption was jarring but I was determined to not let my awareness of his presence ruin the moment. I carefully pull my fingers out of my lover and wipe them on my thigh before draping my arm over his chest, enjoying the closeness. WuFei lay flush against him on his other side, his black eyes were closed.

Isaac left, grinning from ear to ear and he promised to arrange Heero’s bonus for his ‘outstanding contribution’.

We remained in bed as the air cooled around us. WuFei started placing kisses on his cheek and running his hand up and down his arm. I nuzzled my nose into Heero’s hair and drew light figures on his chest with the tips of my fingers and threw one of my legs over his possessively. I smiled when I felt Heero toy absentmindedly with the end of my disheveled braid.

WuFei was the first to find the strength in his limbs to get up. He climbed out of the bed and sauntered out of the room. I had no idea what he was off doing and I was too tired to give it much thought. My eyes kept sliding shut. Heero turned and lay against me, seeking my warmth. He tucked his head under my chin and I wrapped my arms around him like it was the most normal thing in the world, like he wasn’t someone else’s boyfriend.

“Are you okay?” I whispered into his mop of hair.

He whined softly: “I’m sore.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle and it evolved into a hearty laugh when he punched me in the chest.

WuFei returned with warm, wet towels to clean us off with. We lazily wiped at ourselves and then threw the towels into the corner.

“I’ve run a hot bath for you,” WuFei told his boyfriend.

Heero smiled in gratitude and climbed off the bed – groaning as his body protested against every movement. Without a word WuFei lifted him up into his arms and carried him to the bathroom.

Not wanting to be left alone, I waited a heartbeat or two before trailing after them.

The bathroom was humid and warm and fogged-up. Heero was already submerged in the hot water in the bathtub. He had his eyes closed and was sighing pleasantly. WuFei kneeled by the edge, dipping his hands into the water, caressing Heero under the surface.

I watched for a while. They were both aware of my presence and neither of them objected. “Mind if I take a shower?” I asked after a while.

“Go ahead.”

I stepped into the separate shower stall and turned on the hot spray of water. The heated droplets beat down on the top of my head and my shoulders and ran down my back, soothing me. I was a little surprised when WuFei suddenly appeared before me.

“Can we share?”

“Sure.” I grinned. If we could share a sex partner, we could share a shower.

We didn’t do anything other than take turns under the spray. Sometimes we would accidentally bump into each other, but we just laughed and before it was over we offered to wash each other’s backs and WuFei even helped me rinse the shampoo out of my long hair.

“Are you still awake, baby?” WuFei called.

Heero gruff reply was: “Hmmm. Don’t call me ‘baby’.”

Him and I both laughed.

When we were done we left the bathroom. Heero remained in the tub to relax his abused body.

I got dressed in my room and WuFei changed back into his clothes in Heero’s room and we met again in the kitchen and worked together in absolute silence preparing a dinner of thick, richly stuffed sandwiches. We placed the plates and bottles of beer on the coffee table and waited for Heero. He joined us on the couch a short while later. His hair was still soaking wet and water dripped onto the white, oversized shirt he was wearing on top of a pair of black briefs. He gingerly sat down between us, momentarily biting on his lower lip as he settled his full weight on the cushion. But when we asked him how he was feeling, he assured us with a tired smile that he was fine.

We watched the news as we ate and then I started surfing through the channels. There was nothing interesting on but I didn’t feel like getting up and putting in a DVD. 

After a while, Heero shifted. He lay himself down sideways, resting his head in  WuFei’s lap and he draped his legs over my thighs. I smiled and rested my left hand on his bare calf, giving a slight squeeze. The Chinese man ran his hand through the wet chocolate brown tresses, smoothing them out. It wasn’t long before Heero fell asleep.

Settling on an episode of a dated sitcom, I put away the remote and put my arm up on the backrest of the couch. I tensed up when my fingers touched WuFei. I didn’t know he also had his arm draped over the back. My instinct was to pull my hand away, but I resisted. After all, WuFei wasn’t pulling back either. Our hands played together absentmindedly while we watched the rehearsed comedy sketch. Fingers intertwined and thumbs brushed lightly over palms. With my other hand I caressed Heero’s leg, feeling the fine, soft hairs and the relaxed muscle underneath the skin.

Heero was the link that connected us. Without him, any sort of physicality or intimacy between me and WuFei would never work, but our equally strong attraction to Heero drew us closer together as well and it was electrifying.

I wondered if it could work; a three-way relationship like that. I would want it to, but I had little faith. It seemed like it would be only a matter of time before someone would get hurt. A relationship between two people was difficult enough, having to take the feelings and wishes of three individuals into consideration and making compromises to join the three as one was, undoubtedly, a challenge. But part of me wanted to accept that challenge – I would never know whether or not it would fail until it would and until then, it could be fun, in a twisted, abnormal way.

In that moment, everything felt so right and I could feel myself inching closer to the precipice but I was waiting for one of them to make the jump first and pull me along. If they dared to make that leap, I would follow them into the unknown abyss, I realized, against my better judgment, but I wouldn’t be the one to take that first step.

The episode came to an end and WuFei got up and gathered Heero in his arms and carried _his_ boyfriend – _our_ lover - into the bedroom. I watched him walk out of the living room, torn between jealousy and endearment. I thought it was adorable the way WuFei cared for Heero, tenderly carrying him around like that, but I also wanted to be the one whose job it was to look after him.

I expected WuFei to be back soon, but when he didn’t return, I curiously wandered to the hallway and glanced into Heero’s bedroom at the far end. I turned my gaze away when I saw WuFei hug him to him, while Heero continued to sleep soundly.

If we were going to make that jump and give this complex relationship an earnest try, it would have to be equal, I told myself. I wanted to be allowed to do that too; to touch him and to kiss him, not only with the ultimate goal of sex as the driving force, but just because I could, because I wanted to. Because Heero wanted me to.

Giving them their privacy since I hadn’t yet been invited into the relationship to the point where I was allowed to meddle and be part of everything, I cleared away our plates and finished Heero’s glass of Coke. He had only taken a sip before falling asleep and it was wasteful to throw it all away. I smacked my lips at the sweet taste of the lukewarm beverage and made a face. That was a bad idea.

To rinse the sugar out of my mouth that coated every tooth and lay thick on my tongue, I drank some water directly from the tap. I stopped and wiped my chin dry with my forearm when WuFei returned to the living room. “Going home?”

“Yeah.”

“Regrets?”

He looked up, he knew what I was asking. “No. It was good.”

“Cool.”

Heero and WuFei were off to China the week of spring break, meaning I was left alone to entertain myself. I didn’t have any friends other than the couple, so I watched a lot of movies and played a lot of music. I knew how pathetically I missed him and exactly how hopelessly in love I was when I wrote a song and it dawned on me that it was about him and dedicated to him. I resisted calling the piece ‘Heero’, but it didn’t make the truth any less obvious. I had written him a love song. I hadn’t written anyone a love song since high school – for Hilde Schbeicker, the most popular girl in school and the first girl who let me go to ‘second base’ - , it was such a juvenile thing to do. But Heero had that effect on me; he made me wish we were both teenagers again, sloppily making out and sharing an awkward and embarrassingly brief first time, in the back of a car someplace.

The thing that ate at me most was the thought that if only I had treated him right from the start – had seen what was right in front of me – I could have made him mine. I could have had him and I wouldn’t have had to share him with anyone. But I let him slip through my fingers. No, not even that, I _pushed_ him away; aggressively, violently. I just wanted my brother to like me, to like spending time with me. For a very long period in my life I believed that was the most important thing. I was blind to what could have been. If only I had known… Then, it would have been _just us_.

But with things having gone differently, thanks entirely to my stupidity, the only way for me to give into these feelings – these love-song-prompting feelings – was to accept that I would have to share him with WuFei.

I didn’t dislike WuFei, that was not the issue. On the contrary, I was attracted to the Chinese man, even. But I didn’t know if it could work. My feelings for Heero were of a selfish, possessive nature. How could I share him with WuFei without eventually resenting the fact that he was always there and would, arguably, always be Heero’s priority in the relationship because he had been there first and they shared that long and loving history?

I shook my head. I shouldn’t worry about stuff like that, not yet at least. All it had ever been between the three of us so far was a pleasurable and easy way to make money. Them inviting me into the bed to earn some extra cash was a far cry from being invited into the relationship without the camera present. The only part I had to play in this game was wait and see. I didn’t know in what shape or form the invitation would be extended, but I trusted I would recognize it if it happened.

Logically, I knew it was a mistake waiting to happen, but it was one of those mistakes that you _want_ to make, when you are young and foolish and easily smitten.

During that week of solitude I, begrudgingly, agreed to have dinner with my father. It was his birthday after all. Under different circumstances I might have been able to shoot him down, but I was lonely in the big apartment and desperate for a more real and tangible companion than the notes and chords of my keyboard. Even spending time at my parental home seemed like a more sane way to spend the evening. I didn’t want to go full-unabomber and spend my time in total isolation making people question to what extent I was still in touch with reality. At least by having dinner with my dad, I could tell Heero and WuFei – without bullshitting them -, upon their return, that I didn’t spend the entire week alone, in my pajamas, eating pizza for breakfast and cereal with beer for dinner. I still didn’t even like beer, but the taste and smell reminded me of my roommate and his boyfriend, which left me craving it on the fifth day.

When I asked for a beer at dinner, my father gave me an odd look.

“I thought you didn’t like beer,” He recounted, but he got up and fetched me a bottle of a European brand.

I shrugged. “It’s alright.” I accepted the beer, took a swig straight from the bottle and then cut into the steak he had prepared on the barbeque.

“Thank you for coming, Duo,” He said. “I know we-… Thank you.”

I nodded at his sincerity, and took another bite as an excuse to not actually have to say anything.

“Have you talked to your mother?”

I knew he wasn’t going to let me brush off the question, so I swallowed the mouthful, washed it down with more beer and replied curtly: “No. You?”

“Unless she calls later tonight, this will be the first birthday that she doesn’t.”

I could tell from his tone that he wasn’t expecting her to call. My parents’ marriage ended in divorce only a few months after my brother’s funeral, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’. My mother still believed that Solo had made the righteous choice when he refused the kidney transplant and although no one would ever doubt her love for her son, she got over his death too quickly to our liking. We – my father and I – didn’t understand how she could find peace so soon, but she still wholeheartedly believed that it was part of God’s plan and that Solo was in a better place and we would be together again one day. But every single familial bond fell apart in the aftermath of my brother’s death. Their marriage and my connection to both of them. Of course divorce wasn’t ‘the Lord’s will’, so my mother tried to stay in touch with my dad, but the contact withered to a single, annual phone call on his birthday and it appeared even that was over now.

And I… well I made a single, brief, long-distance call from Austria last year. She had been happy to hear from me until she heard what I have to say:

_‘I’m going to Hell, mom, I like boys. And I’ll see you there, because you are the bitch who let her one good son die.’_

“Is the steak good?”

“Yeah. Great.”

“How do you like living with Heero?”

I stopped chewing momentarily. “It’s good. It’s quiet, I can study.”

“Your grades have improved greatly. I’m very proud.”

“I didn’t work my ass off to please _you_ , dad,” I bit.

“I know. I know.” He let things cool down for a moment before he continued bravely: “You could have invited Heero. I would like to see him again.”

“He’s in China.”

“China? Why China?”

“I don’t know. The guy’s just my roommate,” I lied. I had no qualms bullshitting my father.

“I thought you two used to be friends.”

I snorted.

“Well, whatever the case may be. I do hope you two are getting along. It’s still his apartment. Even though I’m paying part of the rent, he is still doing you a big favor. You should be grateful.”

“I am. Don’t worry, we’re playing nice.” I chuckled inwardly at the gross understatement.

He fixed his gaze on me and it suddenly unnerved me. I looked back down at my plate, worried that my tone might have inadvertently shifted and had betrayed something. I didn’t know how my father felt about gays, but I imagined no father would be pleased to find out his only living son was a _cocksucker_ – that’s how Solo would have put it, if he had known.

I couldn’t afford for him to know. Heero might not mind if he had to pay all the bills again for the apartment, he managed before, but my father paid my tuition and that kind of slack I could not pick up doing a couple of porn-vids. But maybe it was more than that. The guy in Austria who convinced me to call my mother and come out to her – handing me a shot of tequila for courage – could not persuade me to make a similar phone call to my father. In that moment, I didn’t even know I would be returning home and go to college, I didn’t know I would ever need my father’s money again, but I hung up the phone before I had finished dialing. The Austrian Psychology major teased that - _subconsciously_ \- I didn’t want my father to know because I still desired a functioning father-son-relationship with him, in spite of my justified resentment. He said that I couldn’t burn that bridge because I always – _unknowingly_ \- planned to go back down that road and reunite with him.

I let the Austrian suck my cock after that. His blowjobs were better, and more appreciated, than his counseling.

“I wish you would stop wearing that cross.”

“Don’t worry. It’s not a religious thing.”

“Does that really matter?” He challenged. “How can you stand to wear that thing? Knowing how he clutched it in his final days, repeating those damn prayers.”

I scoffed. “We can’t all move on and pretend it didn’t happen, like mom did and like you have done.”

“In case you don’t see it, Duo, I’m the _only one_ who hasn’t moved on. I’m the only one who is still in the same place; the same house. Still the same person. Still the father who watched his son die.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “I know what you think when you look at me. You went to Europe and made your peace, but for all your growth and new understanding, you still fail to see how much it ruined me watching him die and I didn’t get to go soul-searching in Europe! I was right here, worrying that I was going to lose my other son as well. I’m still right here!”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have just watched him die!” I accused. “You should have done something!”

“What could I have done? I would have gutted myself right there in that room and handed him both my kidneys if I believed for a second that he would take them!” He rose from his seat and it wasn’t until then that I noticed how badly he was shaking. “It was his choice! There was nothing I could do, Duo! Don’t you think that kills me even more than it does you?”

I reeled back, shocked by his outburst. I had never seen him like that, so emotional. Not even in the last moments sitting at Solo’s deathbed.

“Seeing you wear that cross…” He clenched his jaw and stifled a sob. “You look so much like him. You look so much like him that I can see you die as well. Every time I close my eyes, it’s you instead of Solo in that hospital bed and I am losing my last child.” He took in a shuddering breath.

I felt sorry for him, for the first time, but I didn’t want to let that show because I didn’t feel he deserved it. “It’s okay, dad, calm down,” I urged neutrally. “Sit. Here.” I grabbed the carafe of water from the center of the table and filled up his empty beer-glass. “Have some water.”

He did as instructed and brought the glass to his lips, taking small sips.

_My dad the war-vet, a trembling, emotional mess._ It was tempting to throw that in his face, but I didn’t. I figured: _He doesn’t deserve that either_.

“You hate me for not saving him,” He observed.

“No, dad,” I sighed. “I don’t hate you for not saving him. I hate you for making me think that you _could_ save him and then didn’t.” It hurt him visibly to hear me confirm out loud that I did hate him. Part of him had probably hoped I would deny it, lying if I had to, to spare his feelings. I elaborated: “You were always the tough guy. The war hero, who made everyone feel inadequate in comparison. All my life, you made me feel like a huge disappointment, but that was okay, or so I told myself, because I thought you had earned that right. You made yourself look like a God, like you always had all the answers, all the solutions, it would have been insincere if you ever acted like I was worthy of being your son.”

He stared at me, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

“And then it all fell apart. You couldn’t save Solo. You weren’t a God, you were a whimpering fool in the corner of the hospital room, completely powerless and useless. And you _knew_ it, you knew you were a fraud, so you didn’t even try anything. That is why I hate you. Because you pretended to be better than everybody and then you let us all down.”

The first of many tears slid down his weathered face.

“I get that Solo’s death changed you and that you feel different now; you know you’re not superior and rolling off your high horse has made it easier for you to love me as your son and you want us to be father and son. But it will never be like that. Because I know that if I allow you in my life and we end up sharing a moment of happiness, I will resent myself, because it took my brother dying a slow and painful death to make you realize I am good enough.”

“Duo, I’m so sorry,” He choked.

“I know, dad.” I finished my bottle of beer and looked off to the side, at the black piano in the corner of the living room, where I played my very first chords of music. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine. I just won’t be around very often.”

“Please play a song. Just one song,” He begged.

I sighed. I didn’t feel like playing, but I acknowledged that I had crushed him enough for the evening. And it is the man’s birthday, after all and I showed up without a present. I got up from the dining room chair and took a seat on the piano bench. The lid that protected the keys had gathered a lot of dust. I lifted the lid and tested a few of the ivory keys at random to determine if the instrument was still tuned. My younger self would have said the piano sounded ‘dirty’, but it wasn’t too bad and I knew my father wouldn’t hear it anyway. After a moment of contemplation I decided to play the song that I had played a lot the past few days. It was the only song I felt like playing because it was the only song that could spark joyful memories in this pain-laden house.

I played the song I had written for Heero; my juvenile love song for my gay crush and my dad sat on the edge of the coffee table and cried tears of happiness at the melodious sounds. The irony wasn’t lost on me.

“That was beautiful,” My father complimented when the last note had long died out and I had just been sitting there, my back turned towards him. “I didn’t recognize it. Did you write it yourself?”

“Yes.” I slowly lowered the lid and wiped away some of the dust.

“It was beautiful,” He repeated wistfully.

“Thanks.”

“Are you going to teach other people to play like that?”

“I’m going to try to teach them to play better.”

“I think that’s wonderful.”

My eyebrows twitched into a frown. I still refused to face him. “You didn’t use to think so. You said I was throwing away my talent; the only talent you had ever given me credit for.”

“I was wrong about a lot of things, Duo. I think we have established that. Explaining my past behavior would be no better than trying to excuse it.”

He was right. “I should get going.” Yet, I didn’t make a move.

“When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know. Your next birthday? Maybe.”

“I’ll be here, Duo. For whenever you are ready and whatever you are ready for.”

I nodded but knew I wouldn’t be seeing him any time soon. I got up and without turning to face him and without saying goodbye, I walked out of the house.

I pitied him but I also still resented him and I couldn’t figure out how the two fit together and which I should act on. It was easier not to think about it too much.

The continuation of my week was hopelessly uneventful. I felt like a slouch and decided I should exercise. Without Heero there, I wasn’t allowed into the gym, I only had a buddy-pass, after all and my buddy wasn’t there. I went jogging through the park. Thanks to Heero I had built up my endurance and I surprised myself with how well I did and how much I enjoyed it. Breathing in the fresh air cleared my thoughts. I was preoccupied with my heartbeat and the rhythm of the music coming from my ear phones. Only once was I pulled out of my trance when a good-looking girl, out walking her dog, gave me a look, making me feel good about myself.

Expecting Heero’s return that day I spent a little more time in the shower and bothered to shave for the first time that week. I didn’t exactly have a manly-hair-growth-rate, but after a couple of days I had managed to grow a rough stubble.

Once I was groomed I turned up the music and made haste tidying up the apartment. Me being holed up in the place the entire week hadn’t done it much good. I was in the middle of fluffing the cushions of the couch, shaking my hips to a catchy  pop-song when I had the strange feeling that someone was watching me.

I turned my head to look over my shoulder and felt a hot blush spread across my face when I spotted Heero in the doorway, grinning at me. Foregoing a greeting, I asked accusingly: “How long have you been standing there?” But then I shook my head and approached him. “Nice to have you back.”

He surprised me when he pulled me into a hug. We had done a lot of intimate thing, but we had never hugged before, I realized. “Good to be back,” He said.

We pulled away and I admired the sight of him. His features were a little more tanned, his attire ‘globetrotter-chic’, his shoulders hung tiredly after a long flight but his eyes shone brightly. “I’ve missed you.”

His smile brightened.

“Did WuFei go straight home?” I wondered and I paused at the unexpected disappointed tone to my voice.

“No, he’s just parking the car. He’ll be up in a minute.” Heero walked past me and put his suitcase up on one of the barstools.

“How was China?”

Heero chuckled. “I didn’t see much of it. We spent most of the week with his little sister at the playground and at the zoo.”

“Then it’s a good thing you were planning to go again in the summer.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Duo!” WuFei greeted when he came through the door.

“FeiFei!” I patted him on the top of his head.

“Oh, God. I already regret coming up here,” The Chinese man joked. He shook his denim jacket off his shoulders.

“So,” I clapped my hands. “The real important issue is: Did you get me a souvenir?”

The couple exchanged a look, one of guilt, but then WuFei beamed. “Actually, yes, we did. It’s on its way right now.”

Ten minutes later the Chinese restaurant they had called from the car on their way home, delivered our dinner and I laughed at my ‘souvenir’, but enjoyed it greatly none the less. We set the feast on the coffee table, WuFei and I sat on the couch and Heero kneeled on the floor. We ate directly out of the cartons with our chopsticks. Of course Heero and WuFei were much more skilled, whereas I dropped pieces of shrimp and noodle all over the place. I was not going to get up for a fork and knife though, I refused to admit defeat. Between laughing at me – rude! – and trying to show me how I should hold the chopsticks, with varying success, they told me about their trip. Most of their stories evolved around the antics of WuFei’s little sister. I appreciated that they shared the family stories so openly with me, it made me feel like I was a part of their lives; a welcome part of their lives. I couldn’t help but note how often Heero used the idiom ‘you should have been there’ and my heart warmed at what that possibly meant. 

“We should go out for drinks,” Heero said once we had eaten our fill.

“I thought you would be tired,” I pointed out.

“Not anymore.”

“Okay. Well, you guys go out. I’ll clear away the mess.” I started gathering the cartons and stuffing them into the plastic bags they were delivered in.

“When I said ‘we’, I meant the three of us, Duo.”

I looked at Heero sharply. “Yeah?” I turned to WuFei and he nodded. “Okay. Cool. Count me in.”

“Great.” Heero got up from the floor. “I’m going to take a quick shower first.” He scampered off to the bathroom.

His boyfriend groaned and called: “You never take quick showers!”

I laughed at his exasperation. I threw away the trash and sat back down on the couch. WuFei had picked up Heero’s tablet from the side table and was scrolling through the newsfeed, catching up on what they had missed during their vacation. I turned on the TV, but I couldn’t stand the silence between us.

“Do- uh… Does your family know what you guys are to each other?” That question might have been way to personal, but I was curious.

“Technically we are just friends. The extended family is a bit too traditional,” WuFei answered matter-of-factly. “But I think my dad and my stepmom know. My dad’s a modern, learned man and he was always pretty open-minded about stuff like that and now more so than ever thanks to my stepmom. She is really great. Me introducing Heero to them – even as just a friend – probably clued them in as well.” He mused in conclusion: “Yeah, I think they know, it’s just not something we discuss.”

“Cool.”

“Why did you ask?”

I shrugged.

“Do your parents know?”

“I told my mom. Over the phone…”

WuFei made a face.

“That sounds harsh, but our whole relationship could have been done over the phone, so why not that too?” I chuckled bitterly.

“And you don’t think she told your dad?”

“She doesn’t tell my dad anything. They don’t really talk anymore. They divorced after-… you know.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “It’s better than them fighting.” After a long pause, I asked about Heero’s dad. I knew his mom died a very long time ago, but other than that he never spoke of either of his parents and from our Thanksgiving dinners, back in the day, I only remember Odin as a soundboard to my father’s endless stories about the war they had both gone through; not exactly an involved father-figure.

“He still thinks Heero is the perfect son and I think they are both eager to keep it that way. Heero doesn’t tell him anything and his dad doesn’t ask him anything.”

“Do you ever worry about it? About what would happen his dad knew and if you told your parents?”

He contemplated my question for a moment and then he answered: “Not really. Odin isn’t a part of Heero’s life. There’s nothing he can do and Heero doesn’t look to him for approval or anything. They’d probably have one really big, really awful fight about it and that would be it, either they would cut ties and both be fine with that, or Odin would accept it and they would continue as they have. And my parents… well, I think it will shock them a little when I tell them, just because we’ve gotten so used to not talking about it. But I think they trust me. They trust me to make my own decisions and not give me a hard time about anything.”

“And should they trust you like that?” I asked teasingly. “ _Do_ you always know what you’re doing?”

“More often than not, I don’t have a clue,” He flashed a grin. “But I have this friend who taught me to ask myself a simple question when in doubt, so that’s what I’m doing. If I think it’s _right_ , I go for it,”

I smiled, realizing I was the friend. It flattered me.

“It doesn’t matter if it turns out to be wrong in hindsight. You just have to be true to yourself and commit and learn right from wrong along the way.”

“That’s sounds like an awesome friend.”

“Oh, he has his moments.”

We heard the door to the bathroom open and I mocked: “I’ll be damned, that actually _was_ pretty quick.”

WuFei glanced at me mischievously.

My grin fell from my face when Heero stalked into the living room. His hair was still wet, dark and pushed back, for once the bangs were out of his face. The entire expanse of golden skin glistened, with beads of water trailing down his chest, traveling around pert nipples. The white towel around his hips hung off him sinfully low and the soft fabric moved with the sway of his step as he approached us.

I swallowed but it was difficult. My mouth was parch-dry. The eye-contact burned marks into my very heart that skipped a beat before picking up a thundering rhythm. Then he fixed his intense gaze on his boyfriend, who had also been watching with mouth agape.

Heero walked around the couch, his fingers dragging along the top of the backrest, momentarily catching my braid. I didn’t know if that was on purpose or not, because he didn’t look at me again. He was completely focused on WuFei. My mouth went from dry to practically drooling when Heero climbed onto WuFei; straddling his lap and sitting down on his thighs. He cupped the tanned face with both hands, tilting his head up – WuFei had been preoccupied staring at that magnificent chest and tight waist and who could blame him? – and he captured his lips in a demanding kiss, openly toying with his tongue and challenging him to deepen the kiss. WuFei didn’t hesitate. He put his hands on that beautiful body and took control. I could hear their breaths come out of their noses in quickened pants, sometimes they paused the kiss to inhale sharply through their mouths.

As nice as a live-show was, I knew I shouldn’t stay. I didn’t know what had gotten into Heero all of a sudden, but it was his apartment and if he wanted to have sex with his boyfriend on the couch, I had no other option but to clear the way. I was about to get up when Heero ended the kiss and he reached out to me and grabbed a fistful of my shirt. He held me in place and I stared at him with wild eyes as he leaned in closer until I was the one on the receiving end of his passion; being offered his delicious, hot mouth. I moaned into the kiss and whimpered pathetically when it ended.

“Come closer,” Heero whispered and he nodded at the available space of couch cushion that was left between me and WuFei. I didn’t think, I just scooted closer until I was shoulder-to-shoulder with the Chinese man, never tearing my gaze away from Heero’s mesmerizing face.

I put my hand on Heero’s damp thigh, the tips of my fingers inching just underneath the towel. The couple kissed again and I watched, close enough to hear the sounds and to feel their heat. My eyes moved down Heero’s body and I didn’t miss the erection that already tented the towel. I pushed my hand up a little further and shifted to the inside of his thigh. I could feel the strong muscles tensing with excitement.

My fingers froze when I felt a hand on the back of my neck. WuFei’s hand. And I was pulled in for a powerful kiss. While I fought WuFei for dominance with lips, teeth and tongue, Heero licked my exposed throat and let his hand slip under my shirt.

When the kiss ended and I thought to open my eyes, I noticed WuFei was grinning at me.

Heero’s tongue flicked against my Adam’s apple and I was hit with a bolt of lightning.

_This is it_ , I realized. _This is the invitation_.

Isaac wasn’t here. There was no camera and there would be no money. It was about us, about them wanting me and recognizing that I wanted them.

WuFei’s big hands eased away the soft towel and let it pool on the floor at his feet. He dug his fingers into Heero’s ass-cheeks and had the young man sit up on his knees. He took the erection into his mouth and with a moan Heero curled his torso over his boyfriend’s head. Wanting, more than anything, to join in and help drive Heero mad with lust, I sucked briefly on two fingers, getting them wet and started fucking him with them while I nipped at his hipbone.

We did that for as long as the Japanese boy could stand it. Then he detangled himself from us and climbed down to kneel on the floor. He ordered us both to undo our jeans.

“Bossy little thing,” I said with a wink, but didn’t waste time pushing my jeans and underwear down my thighs, much like WuFei.

Heero divided his attention between us equally. While sucking off one of us, he jerked off the other and he switched it up regularly.

I had my arm around WuFei’s neck and sometimes we would lean into each other with a kiss, but most of the time we were content watching Heero. 

As he was going down on me, I cupped his chin with my hand and I made him stop. I blurted needily: “I want to fuck you.”

Heero’s eyes widened and then he and I both looked to WuFei for permission.

The other nodded after needing little time to think it over.

Heero spat some more saliva onto my dick and then climbed up into my lap. His haste betrayed his need. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and forced it over my head. Once my arms were out he threw it away with a snarl and attacked my mouth. I moaned helplessly. For a moment I forgot WuFei was right next to me, watching us and I was alone with Heero, enjoying him. He interrupted the kiss but kept his face close to mine, our heated breaths mingling, he held my shaft at the base and slowly lowered himself onto it. My throat vibrated with a drawn out moan.

Seated in my lap, his passage enveloping me fully, he put his hands on my shoulders for support and he started moving his hips up and down. His own erection bounced as the rhythm quickly became more powerful.

Watching his face as he pleasured himself on my dick was an incredible turn on. “You’re beautiful…”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes… yes…” I captured his lips in an intense kiss. “Ah, Heero.” I senselessly moaned his name over and over.

His lips brushed against mine when he voiced a vulnerable question. “Am I still tight?”

His uncertainty revealed that he and WuFei did not have sex without me since the last video we shot together. I rained kisses on his face and was happy to reassure him. “You are so tight. You feel so good.”

WuFei leaned in and Heero wrapped an arm around his neck and pressed their lips together.

Seeing them kiss excited me and served to further fuel my lust. I wasn’t expecting that.

I held Heero’s hips still and raised my pelvis off the couch to piston into him. I didn’t want WuFei to feel left out, scared that that might incite self-doubt about this three-headed relationship, so I suggested, my voice thick: “You should stand behind the couch. That way Heero can suck you off.”

They looked at me both but I couldn’t tell what either of them was thinking. Not until WuFei got up from the couch and did as I proposed. He leaned his thighs against the back of the couch and his cock was right by my ear. Heero held it in his hand but kissed me first, as if to thank me for my thoughtful recommendation. Then he leaned over my shoulder and used his mouth to pleasure his other lover. WuFei had one hand on the back of Heero’s head and the fingers of the other hand were buried into my thick hair. He held my head turned to the right so I would watch and I watched gladly.

I whispered breathily in his ear: “You like cock, huh?”

Heero moaned and in turn WuFei moaned as well. His ass tightened around me, I could tell he was close.

“You ride my cock hard until you come,” I told him. “Let me feel how much tighter you get when you go there.”

He eagerly complied with my instruction, moving his hips up and down furiously. Suddenly he released WuFei and he buried his face into the juncture of my neck. He let out a single, shrill cry and he clamped his muscles around me and shot his load onto my chest.

“Ahh, fuck yeah!” I chuckled breathily. “Ohh, baby.” I made sure to keep the rhythm of my hips steady as he rode out his orgasm.

That time he didn’t even object to being called ‘baby’. Once he had caught his breath he raised his head up again and finished what he started, blowing WuFei until he reached his orgasm as well.

I wasn’t far behind, pumping into his supple body, crying out his name.

He slumped against me and I was happy to remain inside him in the aftermath of my orgasm. WuFei walked back around the couch to sit down again.

“So, I take it you guys missed me, huh?” I grinned.

WuFei laughed softly. “Something like that.”

“You didn’t want to have sex without me?”

Heero sat up. “It’s better _with_ you.” He gave me a quick peck on the lips and then he got out of my lap.

“Heero and I talked about this,” WuFei interjected, “And we thought that, as long as we are going to do things this way,” He gestured at the three of us, “We shouldn’t do it without the third person there.”

Cleverly, this rule assured him that nothing would happen between Heero and I without him present, which could have been a substantial possibility, considering our living arrangements. “That seems fair.”

“Good.” He nodded.

“So what now?”

“Now, we go out for drinks,” Heero said and he pulled us both up from the couch.

It wasn’t that simple, we all knew that, but none of us wanted to delve into the issues at that moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hot or not?


	6. Chapter 6

**_Three_ **

_Part Six_

 

We got dressed and went out. Had a couple of drinks. Danced. Heero was between WuFei and I, pushing his ass back against the hard bulge between my legs and rocking his pelvis against WuFei. Our hands were all over him, hiking up his shirt to caress his heated skin. Sometimes my fingers would meet WuFei’s by accident and it created surprising sparks.

It was the start of a period that I would later comer to refer to as the ‘honeymoon’ and it lasted blissfully long, longer than we could have hoped for. At that point the three of us were so excited and incited by this new thing, exploring and sharing firsts together, that it distracted me and WuFei from that fact that the sparks between us never amounted to anything. We loved Heero, our love for him – and _only_ our love for him – connected us. Sooner or later, that passionate, all-consuming love for Heero would overtake the situation, when the novelty of the threesome wore off. Our shared affections for Heero were an insufficient foundation for such a complicated relationship and thus it was doomed to fail.

Once that fear crept up on me, I knew our days were numbered. Soon I found myself resenting WuFei’s presence whenever I made love to Heero and when our hands would meet on his writhing body there were no more sparks to be detected. WuFei felt it too.

The thing was, neither of us dared to say anything or do anything. Because we knew that if we did, it would all fall apart and we would lose Heero to the other and the reason we agreed to any of it, was always because we both wanted him. Letting go was not an option, we were both too stubborn. It became a bit of a tug-of-war, although we never competed in any way that would make it obvious to Heero. Heero didn’t see it, we made sure of that.

It didn’t mean that I liked WuFei any less. I still liked him more and more every day, but only ever as a friend. And the more I liked him, the more I realized how much my feelings still fell short of what I felt I felt for Heero and that it always would. They were both my lovers, but only one of them was my _love_.

I didn’t like to admit it, because it made me feel like a backstabbing asshole, but the times that I spent alone with Heero I cherished the most. As agreed upon, we didn’t have sex without WuFei, we would only kiss at times and sometimes we could not stop ourselves from heavily petting each other through the layers of clothes that we refused to take off out of principle. But even without sex, it were these moments in which I felt most connected to Heero and I would gladly trade our sexually active threesome, for that sexless twosome.

It wasn’t up to me, however and it wasn’t up to WuFei either. Heero was the connective tissue that held us together and if the threesome ever broke apart, only he had any control over where the fault-line would be; between me and him or between him and WuFei. The only power WuFei and I held was the decision to snap ourselves off, leaving the other two together, we couldn’t force the other out.

Quitting never seemed like something either of us could do. Heero and WuFei were almost desperately holding onto each other because of their history, they simply couldn’t let go of what once was, in the hopes that it could someday be like that again, with or without me. And I was pretty determined not to let go either. I had never had my heart broken before and I didn’t feel like bringing the weight of that kind of hurt down onto myself.

I was so devoted to Heero that I was no longer very susceptible to logic – the logic that we were only fooling ourselves, only buying time, that it would never work long-term – the voices in my head quieted and I thought the compromise was working, for all of us. We even convinced others, continuing to earn money making video’s for the website.

The illusion was shattered one day; abruptly and unexpectedly.

We were on a date, the three of us. We didn’t make ourselves look too suspicious because none of us were the type of guy to get touchy-feely in public. When most people looked at us, all they saw were three friends, only a discerning eye could pick up on the flirty undertones, but those could easily be dismissed. For this reason, dates were actually kind of fun. There was no pressure and we didn’t receive any odd looks. We had dinner and then went to see a movie in the theater. We had popcorn thrown at us by others, who were annoyed by our incessant commentary throughout the movie. We laughed a lot and came to the conclusion that we should probably stick to watching movies at home, where no-one could be disrupted by our vocal cynicism.

I could sympathize that, to most people, a movie wasn’t very enjoyable when someone was constantly pointing out: “That’s not real!” And “That could never happen.”

However, before we made it back home, one of us decided that it would be hot to have sex in the public restroom. It may very well have been my own idea. We went to the restrooms on the upper floor, it would be quieter there. We crammed ourselves into one of the stalls and without any thought process or strategizing, Heero ended up pressed up against the wall of the stall – an mirrored impression of the random carving of ‘ _Q <3 T_’ would end up on Heero’s cheek – I was behind Heero, fucking him, with our jeans halfway down our thighs and WuFei was behind me. I didn’t even think about it. I was comfortable around WuFei, we had kissed, jerked each other off and exchanged blowjobs. The only thing we hadn’t done was actually have sex together, for both of us it was always about Heero, ultimately.

I was rocking into Heero, losing myself to him. All I could hear were his moans and I buried my nose in his hair, breathing in the smell that was distinctly his.

That all changed when I felt the blunt head of WuFei’s erection against my hole. A switch was flipped and all of a sudden all I could hear were his breaths and grunts, deafening in my ear, and all I could smell was his spicy cologne.

All previous, erotic thoughts evaporated and there was only one thought left in my mind: _I don’t like this_.

I didn’t say anything, because I felt like I couldn’t, not without betraying the imbalance in the three-way relationship and risk being left out. The sensation of being deep inside Heero prevented me from going soft. I froze and bit down on Heero’s neck when WuFei entered me. I would later brush off the mark as a love-bite because the truth made me feel dirty.

The moment forced me to acknowledge how _wrong_ the relationship was, how much of my integrity I was sacrificing to be with Heero.

I had sworn off loveless sex on my big trip of self-discovery through Europe and yet there I was – in a public restroom of all places – being fucked, in arguably the most intimate way, by someone I didn’t love, not like that at least.

With effort I managed to reach my climax. I breathed a sigh of relief when it was over and WuFei pulled out of me.

I managed to keep this hidden from my partners. I wasn’t about to suddenly come out and say: you know what? This isn’t working for me after all.

We went home. It was quiet between us. Sometimes I would catch Heero frowning at me in the rear-view-mirror of WuFei’s car as he drove us all back to the apartment. At home, in Heero’s bedroom, the three of us had sex again and I suspected they had both picked up on the change in of my mood. I got the sense they knew something had gone wrong and that they had to fix it somehow, but they didn’t seem clued in to what the mistake had been. Without giving anything away, I orchestrated the scene so Heero would top me, to replace the sensations that WuFei had left inside me. The memory was erased with the first thrust, so effortlessly.

It was pleasant. It was pleasant in a way that caused me self-doubt. WuFei was behind Heero and I didn’t see him, I didn’t even hear him, which was the predominant reason why I had grown to like this arrangement in the bedroom, even though my preference was to top. On all fours, with Heero rocking into me, I forgot about WuFei. The bubble shrank to such a small, cozy size that it excluded him and it was just Heero and I, together, cooped up in that bubble. But all bubbles must pop.

In the aftermath Heero crawled to WuFei, laying on his side next to him. The Japanese man extended his arm back, blindly searching for me. I gave him my arm and let me pull me to him, with the intention of it being the last time. I pressed my chest against his back and rested my head on the pillow, so close to his my nose was tickled by his wild hair.

Heero placed our hands – intertwined -  on WuFei’s chest. 

The three of us shared the bed that night, like we had done several times before. Heero always served as a buffer between the Chinese man and myself and that night was no different. I clung to him and pretended that I didn’t hear WuFei’s soft snore. Logically, I should have snuck out of the bed and slept in my own room, but I had myself convinced there would be no harm in one last ‘hoorah’.

WuFei left very early in the morning, before the sun had even thought to peek over the horizon. He had classes that day, starting at eight, and he still had to drive home and get a change of clothes and probably shower too. The alarm on his phone went off at fuck’o’clock, waking him instantly. He shut the alarm off before the third beep. Heero’s sleep continued, undisturbed. I had been awake the entire night – or so it felt, if I had nodded off, it had been for short increments only – but I feigned sleep when I felt WuFei stir. The mattress dipped and moved slightly as he crawled out of bed carefully and quietly. He knew Heero could sleep through an earthquake, but he thought I was still sleeping and he was being quiet for my sake.

_See, how could I possibly hate a guy like that?_

I didn’t trust myself to even be able to make eye-contact with him without betraying my change of heart, that was why I pretended to sleep soundly. I didn’t open my eyes until I heard the soft click of the bedroom door being closed behind him.

Heero hadn’t been aware of his boyfriend’s departure. His breathing was deep and even, every muscle in his body was enviously relaxed as he continued his deep, dreamless slumber.

I stared past his ear at the wall opposite to the window. The blue color on the wall changed from a steel blue to a warm tone with the rising of the sun. Streaks of sunlight broke into the space through crack in the curtain, moving across walls and furniture and casting shadows. One slither crept up Heero’s exposed arm. I watched it move from his elbow to his shoulder, where it suddenly disappeared. With my nose I nuzzled the hairs at the nape of his neck and raised my head off the pillow to peek over his shoulder at his calm, peaceful features. I kissed the shell of his ear, the side of his neck and his bare shoulder. The arm around his body started to move, without my conscious control. The hand disentangled from his limp fingers and the knuckles brushed up and down his abdomen at the height of the lowest ribs.

Heero sighed, but never showed any signs of waking up.

 _A last hoorah_ , I thought to myself. _Merely lying next to him as he slept hadn’t been much of a hoorah…_

I shifted behind him, scooting even closer to him. My hand became more purposeful, making larger movements on his torso and reaching lower every time.

He moaned contently but he was still fast asleep.

I rocked my pelvis against him nearly imperceptibly, but it was enough to encourage my body to reach a full state of arousal. Finally, my hand went low enough with the downward stroke and I discovered Heero’s body had reacted positively to my ministrations and he was sporting morning wood.

I whispered his name and rained kisses on the back of his neck and his shoulders.

“Hm… Duo…”

I stilled and looked over his shoulder. His eyes were still closed, but moving back and forth behind his eyelids. His mouth was open with slow pants but he didn’t say anything else. He was dreaming. He was dreaming of _me_.

Encouraged and emboldened, I took his erection into my hand and stroked it slowly, lovingly. He arched his back and moved into my hand as well as back against my stiff arousal.

“I love you, Heero,” I whispered to him. I had never told him that before, even though it had been obvious to me for a while by then.

Still fast asleep, he was not capable of responding.

I leaned over him a little further and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth, I couldn’t properly reach his lips. I lay back down and looked over my shoulder. My eyes found the bottle of lube. It was still on the bed, to the left of the pillow, right where we left it after using it yesterday.

_I couldn’t possibly!_

“Duo… ah…”

My cock, sandwiched between us, danced at his subconscious moans. Without pausing to give it the amount of thought that would have surely stopped me, I rolled away from him briefly to retrieve the lube. We both sighed when I pressed against him again.

One of my arms was trapped underneath Heero’s head, so I could use only one hand and it was a struggle to pop the tight cap of the bottle, I couldn’t get any grip on the thing. Finally, it snapped open and I squeezed the last of the clear liquid directly onto myself and rubbed it in with two or three strokes and then ran my slick hand between Heero’s ass-cheeks. I positioned myself and my skin flushed with heat but at the same time a cold sweat hit me. We had agreed that we would never do anything unless all three of us were present, I reminded myself. But there he lay, tempting as ever, moaning _my_ name - not WuFei’s name! - and waking him up like this had always been a fantasy, ever since WuFei first told me how deeply Heero slept.

The thought process was cut short. He pushed back against me, mewling softly and wantonly. I lost my grip on the last, slippery bit of control and it was all sensation-based from that point on. With a snap of my pelvis I thrust the entire length of my erection into him.

His mouth opened first, but when a soft moan developed into a cry, his eyes flew open. “Ah!” He was visibly confused. He turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. His eyes were wide with shock.

“Good morning.” I made use of the opportunity and kissed his mouth. 

“What are you-… Ah! Hn…” He lost the ability to speak when I started rocking our bodies together. He turned his head the other way again and bit into the pillow.

 _‘Pillow-biter’,_ that was one of the derogative names my brother and I used to call him. Much like _‘Cocksucker’_ , the word had lost its negative connotation to me once I started to come to terms with my own sexuality. Nowadays, I _loved_ pillow-biters and cocksuckers, Heero most of all.

My rhythm was slow and gentle, because it never was whenever WuFei was also around and it was something I had been craving. My thrusts were only shallow, but it felt wonderful for us to be moving together. Heero further arched his back and he reached one hand back and grabbed hold of my thigh, gripping a handful of flesh and pulling me closer to him, making sure I was all the way inside him.

He was not denying me, but still he said: “I don’t think we should be doing this without WuFei.” His incessant moans told me I didn’t have to worry.

“Do you want me to stop?” I winced when his fingers dug into my leg further, the short nails leaving crescent shapes in my skin.

“No, no… Please…”

I growled and bit into his neck. The pressure in my belly built and ‘slow and steady’ wouldn’t cut it anymore. I felt a wildness in me that needed to be unleashed. I hooked my hand under his knee and raised his left leg and I started fucking him earnestly.

He let out a strangled cry and took his hand off my outer thigh to pleasure himself. He could tell I wasn’t going to be able to last much longer. He turned his head and I knew what he wanted, his lips were begging for it. I connected our mouths and kissed him savagely, pouring all of my desperation into the kiss. I knew it would be the last time, but he didn’t know that yet. When I came, I couldn’t maintain the kiss. I merely groaned and growled into his open mouth. Heero followed me shortly, his gratified moan blending in with the pathetic sounds I had been making as I rode the waves of my orgasm.

We panted harshly until, eventually, I caught my breath and, in a momentary lapse of reason, I whispered: “I love you, Heero.” _No bullshit._

His reply was immediate. “I love you too.”

My heart swelled. My arms tightened around him. I didn’t ask him if he still loved WuFei, I was too scared of the answer. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, that _last_ moment. I planted one last kiss on his lips and then rolled away from him. I sat on the edge of the bed for a minute, gathering my composure and organizing my thoughts. I realized that I owed it to WuFei to tell him first, he deserved to get a heads-up, so he would have a chance to salvage his relationship with Heero. My presence had been a crutch to its limping gait, he had to figure out how to keep moving forward without me. Surely he would be pleased though, he would have his boyfriend all to himself again. He had won.

“Where are you going?” Heero asked when I got up from the bed.

“I’m going to make us breakfast.”

“French toast?” He cheekily suggested.

I looked back at him and smiled. “Sure.” I loved the way he looked at me, with both trust and the excitement of something new; both satisfaction and longing.

When I was at the stove, in my underwear and a wrinkled T-shirt that I had picked up from the pile of clean laundry, flipping French toast over in a hot pan, he came to stand behind me. He snaked his arms around me and rested his head against my back. I could feel his breath through the worn, thin fabric of my shirt.

“I’m still horny,” He muttered.

“Is it because of the French toast?” I laughed. “It’s because of the French toast, isn’t it?”

“It’s because of you.”

I didn’t say anything, but I felt myself tense up, so he must have felt it too.

He detached himself from me. He stood beside me, leaning his hip against the countertop. He watched the movement of the spatula that I held loosely and used to flip the toast in the pan and then transfer the finished pieces to an awaiting plate.

I glanced at him quickly and noticed a sullen expression on his face. He watched the process of me making breakfast drearily. His shift from admitting that he was horny to that brooding gloom was jarring but I wasn’t about to comment on it. I didn’t want to lie to him, so if I were to avoid telling him about my decision regarding our very complicated relationship, I had to avoid all subjects that were even an inch below the surface. I was really stretching the limits of the no-bullshit-agreement, but I didn’t want to get Heero upset and confused and then just dump that on WuFei.

Heero was no fool. He could tell there was something that had to be said, but purposefully wasn’t allowed to be put into words. He didn’t press and I suspected he knew what was going on and he simply preferred to stick his head in the sand and leave the truth unspoken for a little while longer so we could all continue to ignore it for a little while. We were all standing on shaky ground and there was no shame putting things on pause for a second to give us all a chance to grab something sturdy to latch onto before the ground would start splitting and opening up underneath us.

He did not end up eating much of the toast, with the excuse that he still wanted to go on his daily run. I used that prompt to steer the conversation towards the weather, the most shallow of all subjects known to man, a safe bet. We talked about the weather at length, about the thunderstorms that had been predicted for this Friday but that the forecasts were all clear and sunshine now. That spring boarded a discussion about the unreliability of weather forecasts which lasted all the way through the last bite of toast.

It was embarrassing and uncomfortable. I was reminded of the kind of conversations that my parents used to have, shortly after Solo had died. My mother tried every dull approach to keep the silence from settling in, because we all knew what would happen once we allowed the silence to come.

 _The truth_.

Things were better after he came back from his run. He had exchanged his dour mood from that morning with a remarkably chipper one. I was familiar with the uplifting effect of physical exercise, thanks to Heero, so I shrugged it off.

Later in the afternoon, I left the apartment. I told Heero I was going to study at the music hall. In reality, I was going to see WuFei. I knew where he lived, but I had never actually been to his place, another testament to the extent to which my relationship with WuFei was solely about my relationship with Heero.

Like our apartment, WuFei had a very nice place. The apartment was smaller, because WuFei used most of his ‘porn-income’ to finance his regular trips to China to be with his family, but it was still nicely furnished with simplistic, oriental-style furniture and a traditional, almost stereotypical color-scheme of black, tan and red, with gold accents. Definitely harkening back to his roots.

“Nice place,” I admired as I stepped inside, without actually being invited in. WuFei hadn’t said anything to me yet, he had just looked at me oddly when he opened the door and saw me. “I’ve never been here before.”

“No,” He said and the implied ‘and you shouldn’t be here right now’ hung heavily in the air.

I stopped in the middle of the living room and looked around. I knew I was stalling, but I needed a minute to get comfortable and put myself at ease. My heart had been racing all the way over to his place. I worried that I could possibly be making a mistake, but then I remembered how horrible I had felt the evening before and I was reassured that I had come to the right decision.

WuFei wasn’t falling for the lighthearted chitchat as easily as Heero had. “Why are you here? Is something wrong?”

“Don’t you think it’s weird that we have, technically, been in a relationship for – what? – two months now and I’ve never been to your apartment?”

“Nothing about our relationship is ‘not weird’, so seeing as it fits in perfectly with the norm, I’ve never thought of it as odd.”

I nodded. “Good point.”

“This is about yesterday,” He surmised and his voice softened. “About what happened in the restroom stall.”

I stiffened visibly. I hadn’t expected for the conversation to turn that serious so soon.

“I’m sorry.” His tone was genuinely apologetic. “I knew I shouldn’t have done that, certainly not without asking you for your permission first.”

I tried to make light of it, as I had for my own sake before. “We’ve done so much together already…”

“But not _that_ ,” He pointed out with steeled gaze.

“No… not that.”

“I’m sorry,” He repeated. He folded his arms in front of his chest, giving away his discomfort. He tried to explain: “I can’t say it was a completely innocent mistake. You were all over Heero and you both seemed to forget about me. You didn’t leave me much options to include myself. There was some resentment involved and I acted rashly and unforgivably. I didn’t think it through.”

“It was just your way of saying ‘I’m still here’,” I concluded.

He nodded and looked away in shame and anger. He wasn’t happy about the fact that he had let himself lose control like that.

“Well, I heard you loud and clear.” I chuckled bitterly.

“Did I hurt you?”

My face went beet red. “What? No, no nothing like that. It was fine, for all intents and purposes,” I waved my hand dismissively, “it just wasn’t what I wanted, or what I was prepared for.”

“I’m very sorry.”

I shook my head. “You’ve apologized enough, WuFei. I’m not here because I’m upset with you.”

“Why are you here?” He asked sharply. He dared to ask the type of question that both Heero and I had not been able to ask that morning, the kind of question that prompted the expected, but no less hurtful truth. He already knew why I had come, but he needed to hear me say it.

“I can’t do it anymore.” It was out quickly. The sting was intense, but short-lived, like ripping off a band aid.

He sighed.

“I can’t be in this relationship with you guys, in spite of the many benefits,” I elaborated. “I can’t stand sharing Heero with you. I can’t stand all this _wrong_ stuff I am doing just to stay close to him. It’s not fair to any of us.” I frowned at him as I scrutinized his reaction. I had expected some conflict to be reflected on his face, but also a hint of victory. His expression was all about despair and it confused me. Realizing what might have been my mistake, I clarified: “I’m not going to fight you for him. I’m saying I’m out, so you two can be together the way you were. I’m not going to interfere anymore and I’m not going to try to win him over. He is _your_ boyfriend, first and foremost. I get that.”

The thin line of his mouth only tightened further. His gaze was off to the side, his black eyes were searching something in the thin air.

“I don’t understand,” I admitted, my confusion obvious in my tone. “I thought you would be at least a little relieved… Don’t you want me to bow out?”

“No.”

I chuckled nervously. “Why not? Don’t tell me you’ve fallen in love with me.”

He snorted.

_Woa, okay, I guess not. Thanks..._

“No,” He said, “I’m afraid that, when you leave, Heero is going to realize he is no longer in love with me.”

I stared at him and had nothing to say.

“You’ve been a lightning-rod,” He explained, “You’ve been channeling all this excitement into our relationship and this _charge_ has kept our relationship alive all this time. Without you, the thing is going to flat-line, like it had before, only now he’ll know how to fix it: by being with you.”

It took me a moment to figure out what to say. “Even if that is true, I’m just the exciting stimulation, that’s all. He still loves you and he won’t love you any less without me in the picture.”

“That is very nice of you to say, but I don’t think that is true.”

“Come on, man. I’m not that guy! I’m not the guy that breaks up couples!”

He shrugged. “It’s not your fault.”

“It feels like it!”

“It’s fine, Duo. I’m not angry or upset with you.”

“No, _I_ am upset with me.” I glared at him. “And angry at you.”

In the blink of an eye his demeanor changed. “What the fuck have I done?”

“You’re giving up way too easily! So what, you- you hit a speedbump and instead of giving a little more throttle, you shift into reverse?”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “Nice analogy, but this ‘speedbump’ you’re referring to is more like mount Everest and we’ve been up there for over a year at this point. Without oxygen!” He made wild gestures with his hands. “Our relationship is in a coma, Duo. Heck, if we’re going with analogies; we’re brain dead and you have been our life support. What the fuck do you think it going to happen when you pull the plug?”

“That you would wake up! You two could be great together, you fit together perfectly. When you shock a dead person, they could reanimate. It could be like that.”

He rolled his eyes at me.

I continued: “I don’t want you to give up. If the relationship really is over, than that’s the way it is, but don’t throw in the towel now. Not after your opponent has tapped out. You have a chance. Use it.” I took a deep breath and, suddenly, I started to laugh.

“ _What?_ ”

“I just- We’ve used so many metaphors… I’m confused.”

He chuckled bitterly.

I lowered myself onto the armrest of the couch and let the tension deflate before I continued more calmly: “We will tell him, today.” My decision seemed to frighten him. “There’s no point in dragging it out.”

He sighed and sat down on his couch. “If it’s what you want...”

“It is.”

“Do you really think Heero and I can still work?”

There was a delay before I answered: “Yes.” The delay was not because I doubted their relationship, but because it was difficult for me to admit that they made more sense as a couple than Heero and I. They were right for each other, whereas I… I didn’t deserve Heero, I didn’t deserve his love, not after what I had put him through when we were younger. WuFei had never wronged him, he had never torn him down, instead he had built up his confidence. I was only ever good at destroying things. I loved Heero enough to admit that WuFei was the better man and Heero certainly deserved the better man.

We didn’t waste any time. I wanted to get it over with, before I could selfishly have another change of heart. I knew how fickle I could be, how easily I could change my mind. I needed for it to be done, so there would be no turning back. WuFei was reluctant. Initially, he didn’t want to be there when I broke the news, because he didn’t want it to seem like he had forced me to back out. I assured him that it would be best if we would all be there, it concerned us all and I still wanted us to be friends afterwards.

Heero greeted us when we walked into the apartment. He had just come down from the loft, carrying a stack of papers, which he stuffed into his shoulder bag. “I had to print out about a million lines of code,” He snorted, “How can a professor in computer science still insist on having students hand in their assignments on paper? I bet he has made a deal with the local office supply store and gets a cut of their earnings on printing paper and cartridges.”

“Heero, have a seat,” WuFei cut in with a strict, serious tone.

I shot him a look, I had warned him not to be dramatic about it.

Heero froze and his gaze shifted between us. He looked unsettled. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” I hurried and dropped down into one of the lounge chairs.

WuFei and Heero took a seat on the couch and they both ended up looking at me expectantly.

 _Bite the bullet_ , I told myself. “I’m bowing out.”

Heero’s eyebrows twitched into a frown.

Recognizing the confusion in his eyes, I clarified: “I suppose you could say: I’m breaking up with you, both of you.”

“Oh.” The Japanese man turned to WuFei, but the black eyes were quick to avoid eye-contact.

“I really enjoyed the past couple of months,” I elaborated, “But being in a relationship with two people is too complicated for me. It’s not working for me.”

Heero looked at me intently, focusing on my words and quietly digesting them.

“I’m sorry. But I’m out.”

“Okay.”

WuFei and I blinked at Heero’s casual acceptance of the news.

The young man laughed. “Jesus, you guys had me worried there for a second. With the looks on your faces, I thought someone had died or something.” He swatted his hand against WuFei’s knee playfully and got up.

“Wait, Heero,” I stopped him, more than a little surprised by his reaction, perhaps even a little offended by how effortlessly I was dismissed from the relationship. Secretly, I had hoped he would try to talk me out of it. “You do get what I’m saying, right?”

“Of course.” At my apparent confusion, he explained his reaction: “I knew this was coming. I know you, Duo, you’re flaky. You always change your mind.”

Even though there was no malice in his tone, I was still perturbed and disappointed. “Uhm…”

WuFei jumped in, he was as befuddled as I was. “So you’re okay with it just being the two of us again?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He got a bottle of water from the fridge and took a swig, casual as you please.

“Well… Uh… Great…” I stumbled. “And we’re still friends right?”

“Of course.” He glanced down at his watch. “I’m sorry, I know we usually have movie night, but I promised to go over my code with a classmate, he got a C for his last assignment, so…” He made a face. “I have to head out.”

“Sure…”

He smiled and picked his bag up from the couch, hooking the strap over his shoulder. He leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on WuFei’s cheek. “Dinner tomorrow?”

“Great.”

“Cool.” He turned to look at me. “And I guess I’ll see you later tonight.” He waved halfheartedly and then he was out the door within a few seconds.

“Okayyy,” I drawled. “That went… well.”

“Yeah…”

I didn’t understand why his reaction to the break-up was so blasé. My ego was hurt and although it affirmed my decision to step out, I felt worse about the call I had made than I had before.

WuFei couldn’t explain it either, he shrugged when I gave him a quizzical look.

Out of habit, more than anything, I invited WuFei to stay for the evening and watch a movie with me, but he declined and it was for the better. It was too awkward. I hoped time would solve this eventually, but for now being around him didn’t feel like hanging out with a friend, it felt like being stuck with my ex’s boyfriend and _my_ ex-boyfriend, all wrapped in one.  I was discretely grateful when he left.

Just like that, I was alone. Alone and lonely.

With nothing to do but wallow, I went to bed, it was the best I could do to escape my thoughts. I hadn’t slept the previous night, so in spite of my tossing and turning, I fell asleep after only a couple of minutes.

I didn’t wake up until the sun was shining brightly into my room and I heard the clatter of water on stone tiles as Heero showered; he had already returned from his morning run.

The bathroom door was unlocked and left ajar, nothing unusual. When I had been part of the relationship, I would have no qualms about barging in, taking a piss and brushing my teeth while following the blurred contours of Heero’s silhouette through the fogged-up glass of the shower stall, but I had to remind myself that he had reverted back to being roommates and nothing else. After hovering outside the bedroom door – for an inappropriate amount of time – I headed for the kitchen to make coffee.

I was nursing a big mug of the black brew, hunched over the breakfast bar, when Heero emerged freshly showered.

“Good morning,” I croaked. I tried not to watch as he prepared his breakfast, but how could I not? His hair was still wet and a few shades darker, the strands clung together in thick tendrils and he kept running his hand through, pushing his bangs out of his face – and I would watch them slowly slip back. His neck and shoulders, left exposed by his white tank top, were glistening with beads of water, clearly he hadn’t bothered toweling off properly. Worst thing were the jeans; the jeans that I used to love, but hated in that moment, because they reminded me so cruelly of what I passed up on. The tight, blue jeans fit him perfectly, riding up between his ass cheeks just right and the denim fabric was drawn taut over his thighs and calves. What really killed me was _knowing_ that he never wore underwear under that particular pair.

I was caught staring so I hid behind my massive cup.

“Any plans for today?” He inquired.

“No. Just… study… the usual…” _Jerk off and have a cry maybe…_

“I’m going to the grocery store, did you need anything?”

I grimaced into my mug, remembering the conversation the three of us had had before about needing to get a new tube of lube and I had used up the last of it yesterday morning for my ‘last hoorah’. “No, thanks. I’m good.” Remembering to buy lube was their problem now…

“Okay.” He put away his bowl of yoghurt and started towards the door.

“You’re heading out like that?” The question slipped past my lips before I could filter my thoughts. You could see _everything_ in those jeans, which was why he usually paired it with a longer shirt or sweater.

He looked down his own body with a sheepish smile. “Duo, it’s like ninety-five degrees outside.”

I mumbled something into my mug and then he left. How was I supposed to do this? Everyone could see him but I was the only one no longer allowed to look!

“I am such an idiot,” I chastised myself. I was still convinced I had made the right decision, but following through would be harder than I had anticipated.

I moped around the apartment during the weekend. Sometimes, whenever he was home, I caught Heero looking at me and I wondered what he was thinking, but I could never tell.

My roommate and his boyfriend slipped back into their usual routine and I felt left behind. Too sullen to be able to tell if they were happy for it to be just the two of them again, or if they were struggling as a twosome, the way they had before, as WuFei had confessed. I wasn’t going to ask any questions, I wasn’t going to meddle. I would pretend to be giving them their privacy for their sake, should they ever ask, but in reality, I didn’t trust myself if Heero ever felt compelled to express difficulties in his relationship with WuFei to me. I worried I would abuse that situation to win him over, when I had promised WuFei I wouldn’t.

But I couldn’t stop myself from stealing looks at my roommate and masturbating to the thought of him slipping into my bedroom in the depths of night and tell me he wanted _me_ and no one else.

I was caught off guard one evening, three weeks later, during the first attempt at movie night post-break-up – we had all found excuses to skip out the previous times - when WuFei remarked in passing: “There’s this really great transfer student in my class.”

I tore my eyes away from the pan of melting butter I was stirring in. Heero had left only seconds before to get a six pack of beer and I couldn’t help but notice the Chinese man had waited until his boyfriend was gone before mentioning ‘this great guy’. I knew what he was getting at, but I played dumb. “Oh? Transfer from where?”

“Europe… someplace. He’s going to be here ‘til the end of summer.”

“Hn.” _WuFei is trying to set me up with a rebound?_

“He’s really into Jazz music. He’s played the saxophone since he was six years old.”

With my back turned towards him, it was safe to roll my eyes. The music-connection and the Europe-reference confirmed my suspicion that WuFei was trying to set me up with this guy. He must have innocently figured that we would have enough in common and to talk about because I’ve been to Europe and because we both played instruments.

“You’d like him,” He pressed on, urging me to jump in and ask more about ‘this great guy’.

I snorted, I couldn’t help it. “Why? Because he likes music?” Heero doesn’t play an instrument and yet I’ve never felt more connected to him than to anyone else… “What makes you think that a common interest in music would ensure that we would hit it off?”

“He’s really hot.”

I laughed, the malice was gone. “Yeah? What does he look like?”

“Short. Lithe. Brown hair. Blue eyes.”

I turned around with a quirked eyebrow.

“I know what it sounds like, but he doesn’t really look like Heero…”

“Right.”

“His name is Jovan, he’s from Bulgaria. Have you been to Bulgaria?”

“Nope.”

“Oh. Well, maybe he’ll tell you all about it.”

“When?”

He sighed and finally admitted: “I thought you could go on a date with him. We could go on a double date. You and Jovan, me and Heero.”

“Wow, so we’ve graduated from a threesome to a foursome? Is that what you’re getting at?”

“Not at all!” He hurried, missing my joke. “I happen to think it would be good for you- for _all_ of us,” He made a face at his own confession, “if you could move on.”

“Oh?”

“Goddammit, Maxwell, work with me here!” He wasn’t really angry, just frustrated that I wasn’t cooperating. “You said you wanted to help. How much trouble is it to go on a date with a hot guy?”

“How is me going on a double date with a hot guy going to help you and Heero?”

“It’ll be good for him to see that you were serious when you said you were bowing out,” He said through gritted teeth.

“I think he understood me pretty clearly.”

He shook his head and scoffed. “You are so blind.”

“Go on then, spit it out.”

“He is still expecting you to change your mind _back_. The way he sees it, this is just a little break.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because we haven’t had sex!” He hissed and then looked around himself, as if the walls had heard and would tell Heero. “We haven’t had sex, the two of us. He’s holding out, he is waiting for _you_.” He stopped and chewed on the inside of his cheek.

I couldn’t let it show, but I was happy to hear him say that, whether or not it was really true that Heero was waiting for me, at least it was apparent he wasn’t as interested in sex with just WuFei as he had been with me around. It was wrong that the news pleased me, but I had really hated the thought that Heero didn’t miss me at all.

I agreed to go on a date with this ‘great guy’. My reasons were more selfish than WuFei might have suspected. Hearing that Heero might be missing me had a powerful influence on me, dating someone new would be a good way to distract myself and prevent me from giving into my urge to sneak into Heero’s room at night and wake him up with my dick up his ass the way I had that last time. I was also curious to see if WuFei’s theory could be proven correct. I wondered if I could make Heero jealous.

My roommate returned with the six pack of beer and we watched a movie on  the couch. More than anything, I pretended to watch.

I didn’t know when WuFei told Heero about the double date scenario, perhaps only minutes before he and Jovan showed up at the apartment to pick up both Heero and I.

Jovan and I crawled into the backseat of WuFei’s car. Jovan asked me a lot of questions, mostly regarding my music. I could tell from the moment our eyes first met that he was quite pleased with what he saw and I shouldn’t have been disappointed either. Like promised, Jovan was short, but lithe. His shoulder-length, brown hair was half done-up in a tiny bun at the back of his head. Wayward strands framed an angular face, with high, cut cheekbones and a sharply defined jawline. His ice-blue eyes were remarkable. He was exceptionally attractive, an unbiased bystander might even consider him to be more beautiful than Heero, but I was unimpressed. The obvious truth was biting: _he wasn’t Heero_.

WuFei made eye-contact with me through the rear-view-mirror. He had noticed Jovan did most of the talking and I couldn’t be bothered with much more than single syllable replies. “Have you told him about your trip through Europe yet?”

I glared at him. “No.”

“You’ve been to Europe?” Jovan asked, quite excited.

“Yeah.”

“Have you been to Bulgaria?”

“No.”

“You should go sometime.”

“Sure.”

“Where did you go?”

“All-over.”

He smirked. “Except Bulgaria.”

“Yes.”

Not deterred, even though the Slavic young man must have recognized my scathing disinterest, he asked: “Why did you go to Europe?”

I shrugged. “I just had to get away.”

“Why?”

“Because my brother died.”

“Oh.” He bit his lip and turned to look out the window. He didn’t say much more for the remainder of the drive to the restaurant.

At the restaurant we were seated in a cozy booth that forced me to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with Jovan and I had to watch WuFei wrap an arm around Heero. Aside from placing his order, the Japanese man hadn’t said anything since we left the apartment. He kept staring at me, coldly, and didn’t try to hide it, not from anyone of us. It was unnerving and I didn’t know what it meant.

I focused my attention on my date. It wasn’t fair of me to treat him so horribly, for all intents and purposes, he really was a great guy and I shouldn’t brush him off just because I was in love with someone else. I tried to ignore both Heero and WuFei and spent the evening quietly talking to Jovan. The couple across from us was mostly silent as they ate their meals. All I ever caught them saying was “This is delicious” and “Are you going to finish that?”.

While we were waiting for our desserts and were discussing France – Jovan had spent many summers there with his family when he was younger – I stopped midway into my story when I felt Jovan place a hand on my knee. Even though we had been talking and hitting it off quite well, I hadn’t expected that. Faced with silence but no objections, he slid his hand up my thigh, stopping just short of my crotch. His fingers left a trail of pleasant tingles. I chuckled nervously and he grinned.

Dessert was served and the hand disappeared before the waiter could give us a warning look.

WuFei had had a few beers during dinner, so Heero took a seat behind the wheel when it was time to head home.

Jovan was next to me in the back seat and had his hand on my leg again, the thumb was moving back and forth suggestively. He was very open and bold with his touches and flirtatious remarks. I wasn’t left completely unaffected by his advances, but sometimes when I looked up at the rear-view-mirror I was just in time to see Heero averting his eyes.

The car came to halt in front of the dorms and WuFei encouraged me to walk Jovan to the front door. I did.

We bumped shoulders many times as we walked side by side up the path to the front door. Dull music was booming and there were red cups and cigarette butts scattered over the lawn on either side of the path. “I don’t miss living in the dorms,” I told him.

“I don’t mind it,” He said with a shrug. “It’s better than living back home, with my parents. And my roommate has a girlfriend so he is gone most of the time.” He batted his eyelashes at me. “You can come up if you want. I know he’s away this night.”

I shook my head at the blatant invitation. “No, I’m sorry. That doesn’t seem right after only one date.”

“Why not? WuFei told me you weren’t really looking for anything too serious. He mentioned a break-up.”

I looked back at the vehicle, but WuFei had his head turned towards the driver’s side. “What did he say?”

“Not much. Just that you recently broke up. Was it bad?”

“No.” I sighed. “It was very amicable.”

“But you miss him?”

I smiled bitterly. “Very much.”

“I’d be happy to help you miss him less tonight.”

“Thank you, but… flings aren’t really my thing. Not anymore.”

“Okay, that’s fair.” He smirked. “But at least give me a kiss goodnight.”

A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. I let Jovan pull me down and into a kiss. He wasn’t shy about getting the most out of it, kissing me deeply and intensely, surely trying to let me know what I was missing out on.

He pulled back and grinned. “Do you think he saw that?”

“Who?”

“Heero. He’s the guy, right?”

I blinked at him. “Did I make it that obvious?”

He shook his head. “You didn’t. He did.” He nodded back at the car. “He has been glaring daggers at me all night. That’s the expression, right? Glaring daggers?”

“Yeah…”

He stepped up to the front door and opened it. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” I watched the door fell shut. For a moment I was too stunned.

I walked back to the car and climbed into the backseat.

Heero didn’t say anything and neither did WuFei. The car pulled away sharply.

The Chinese man was dropped off at his apartment. Heero would drive his car back tomorrow and go on his morning run after. Only ten minutes latervwe were back at our apartment building. I waited out by the front door as Heero parked the car, even though he had told me I should just head up by myself. Waiting for the elevator in absolute silence was extremely uncomfortable. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest and leaned back against the wall as the elevator crawled up the shaft to our floor.

“Jovan was nice,” I said, to test the waters.

“Yes, I could tell you liked him,” He bit.

The doors slid open and I followed Heero down the hall to our door. I waited until we were in the privacy of our apartment before I dared to confront him.

“Why are you so angry?” I was confused more than anything, but my tone of voice slipped into something angry and demanding.

“Because I just had a fucking awful evening!” He growled and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator. As the designated driver, he hadn’t been allowed to drink all night.

“Why?!”

“I didn’t want to see any of that!” He shouted.

“Any of what?”

“You and Jovan! He was all over you! Touching you, kissing you…” He looked off to the side, his eyes were narrowed with anger, but the tone of his voice betrayed his true feelings. He was jealous. WuFei and Jovan had been right, he still wanted me.

“I don’t understand this!” I exclaimed. “You were fine with me backing out of the relationship. Hell, you even said you expected it!”

“I did expect it!” He argued, regarding me with wild eyes. “I expected you would want to take a break sooner or later. But I also expected that you would change your mind back and that you would come back to me- to us,” He corrected himself.

“But I didn’t say I wanted to take a break. I told you I was done. I told you I couldn’t do it.” My voice had softened.

“I didn’t think it was definitive. You always go back and forth!” He snarled. “Just that morning you told me you loved me! Or didn’t you mean that?”

“Of course I meant it!” I took a step towards him and watched him shrink back against the counter and wrap his arms around himself. My heart clenched. “Heero, of course I love you…”

“Then why can’t we go back to how it was before? What was wrong with that?”

I shook my head. “I can’t do it, Heero. Precisely because I love you as much as I do, I can’t share you with someone else. And I like WuFei, but I don’t love him. Not like that.”

“So because you don’t love WuFei you are done with me?”

“What would you have wanted me to do? Challenge WuFei to a duel for your hand in marriage?” My joke was inappropriate, but the point I was trying to make was sincere. “He was your boyfriend, long before I came along. I respect that. ‘Last in, first out’, it’s only fair.”

He bit on his lower lip and refused to make eye-contact.

“If I hadn’t decided to leave, if I had forced you to choose between one of us… Who would you have picked?” I challenged.

He whispered is reply: “I don’t know. I love you, but…”

I nodded. “You still love WuFei as well.”

He reached out and twisted his fingers into the front of my shirt, pulling me closer to him. Our foreheads touched, our bangs blended together. I could feel his warm, trembling breath on my face. He licked his lips. Because my gaze was focused on his eyes I heard it more than I saw it.

My body felt hot all over. Knowing that he wanted me – wanted me so badly! – set me alight. Without thinking, I leaned into him, connecting our lower bodies. We both gasped and our mouths came dangerously close.

“I don’t feel this way when I’m with WuFei,” Was his pained admission. His lips brushed against mine as he spoke.

“How do you feel when you are with him?”

“I feel…” He paused to carefully consider his answer. “Safe. Comfortable…”

“It’s easy with him,” I surmised. “There are no unwanted surprises.”

He nodded but said: “There are no wanted surprises either. It’s all habitual… Routinely… Scheduled and calculated…” He started to grind his pelvis against mine.

“But you still love him.”

His face contorted, he whined: “Yes.”

“It’s okay. I understand. I don’t blame you for wanting to feel safe and comfortable.”

“But I also want to feel the way I do when I’m with you.” He tucked his head under my chin and kissed my throat and flicked his tongue over my Adam’s apple. “You make me feel charged, invincible, desirable… You make me laugh and feel excited about the future.”

I put my hands on the counter on either side of him, gripping the edge tightly. It was all I could do to keep my hands from wandering all over his body, touching him where I knew he liked it best, caressing his skin in a way that I knew would drive him wild. I didn’t want to betray WuFei’s trust. 

“I want it all,” He said and he leaned back. He bit his lower lip, his expression made it apparent how embarrassed he was about his selfish statement.

“And you can have it all,” I assured him. “But not in two different people.”

He buried his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t want to force you to choose. That is why I have made the decision for you.” I backed up, all the way to the other side of the kitchen. “I want you to stay with WuFei. He’s a great guy. He’s the better guy. And you deserve the best. I’m the guy who was an asshole to you and made you feel insecure and unsafe.”

He looked at me sharply. “You know I don’t see you like that anymore.”

I smiled sadly. “And you have no idea how happy that makes me. But I’m still the guy that once wronged you. WuFei has never hurt you. If anything, that is why he deserves to get a second chance with you, certainly more than I do.”

“So what now? We’re going back to being just roommates? You’re going to watch me have sleep-overs with WuFei and I have to watch you bring guys home after a date?” He questioned skeptically.

He was right, it wouldn’t work. We would both end up betraying WuFei’s trust for selfish reasons. It didn’t matter how strongly we felt, it didn’t feel right to me to steal him away from WuFei, whether or not I actually could. “Maybe I should move out.”

“I don’t want you to move out.”

“And that’s probably exactly why I should.”

He started shaking his head.

But the more I thought about it, the better it seemed. How could we get over each other if we were together every day, sharing a home, a couch, a bathroom? A recovering alcoholic shouldn’t work in a liquor store. I stated definitively: “I’m moving out.”

“Where would you go?” He challenged. “Back to the dorms? Go back to insomnia and failing your exams?”

“I have quite a bit of money saved up,” I supplied, “Thanks to our videos. If I sell the keyboard and the sound system, I can afford my own place for a couple of months.”

“And after that?”

“And after that I’ll see.”

“Will we still be friends?” His concern was not unfounded.

“I think we should let things cool off for a bit first. Don’t you agree that being around each other makes it harder not to act on-” I stopped myself and made a vague gesture.

Reluctantly, he nodded in agreement.

“If we give it some time, I’m sure we can be friends.” I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to tell him that, in spite of the no-bullshit rule. His hurtful expression had me biting back the truth in favor of comforting him. I didn’t want to be reason why he looked like that. A long time ago I used to be a major reason for his sadness, when I called him names and shoved him into the lockers, I couldn’t stand to see him heartbroken anymore, especially not when I was the culprit. Maybe that was my foremost reason for backing out and leaving him to be with WuFei. I wasn’t ready to take on that responsibility, to  allow him to leave his trusted partner for the likes of me. Heero might no longer see me as the guy that used to torment him, but I had not yet shaken that image of myself and I was scared of the possibility that I could inadvertently hurt him again. What if I were to steal him away, claim him as my own and then later things wouldn’t work out? It was a huge risk to take and I didn’t want Heero to take that leap of faith, not at the cost of losing someone who had proven himself to a great, trustworthy person. What kind of an asshole would I be if I led him away from that, to satisfy my own, selfish desires?

I walked out of the kitchen, but I stopped when he called my name.

“I feel like I’ll be making a mistake if I let you go.”

I stared at him. _Don’t make this any harder than it already is!_ “If it is, than it is a mistake that you have to make.” I took another step towards my room and he stopped me again.

“This isn’t goodbye, right?”

I offered him a sheepish smile. “Of course not. I’m not leaving first thing tomorrow and we’ll always be friends.”

He smiled slightly at my reassurance.

I didn’t see him again after that.

When he was asleep that night, I moved out of the apartment. I figured it would be easier on both of us if we didn’t get the chance to second-guess ourselves.

Moving wasn’t much of a chore. Aside from the expensive keyboard, all my belongings still fit into my single duffel bag. I paused to write him a goodbye-note that I posted onto the refrigerator door, next to the shopping list. There wasn’t anything left to say, I trusted that I had been able to explain myself well enough, but it was important to me to leave a final goodbye. Whether or not I had any intentions of following up on my promise for us to be friends again in the future, I didn’t know, I would have to wait and see how my feelings would change. If I couldn’t shake this overpowering attraction to him, it would be safer to steer clear of him, no matter how much that would hurt me.

_Heero,_

_For many years, I made you feel miserable. Now, I want nothing more than to make you happy. I think you will be happy with WuFei. I will hate walking out that door in a minute, but it will be my atonement. I know you don’t blame me anymore, but I still blame myself and I think I have to do this, I have to let you go, so I can finally be sure that I am not that selfish person anymore._

_I have only three things left to say:_

_I’m sorry._

_I’ll miss you._

_I love you._

_Duo_

I took a deep breath and made sure the note was securely stuck to the fridge and then I grabbed my bag and keyboard and walked out.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more (short) chapter to go!


	7. Chapter 7

**Three**

_Part Seven_

The next few nights I spent in a hotel, but I quickly found a cheap apartment on the other side of town. It was cramped, outdated and had the bare minimum of furnishings, but it was quiet and there were no distractions – along the lines of a hot roommate I happened to be madly in love with – so it was perfect for me as I threw myself into my studies. We only had a few weeks left until summer vacation and the upcoming finals served a perfect goal to work towards to keep myself sane.

Heero never called. WuFei called once, but I didn’t answer. Maybe I would have answered Heero’s call, but I would never know.

I passed all of my final exams with flying colors, my professors were very impressed, considering how I had started out at the beginning of the academic year. I was proud of myself. For the end-of-the-year recital, where I had been assigned the finale, I played the piece of music that I had written myself and had tentatively titled “Heero”. When I was done I rushed off the stage and dry-heaved over a toilet bowl, but strangely, I felt better afterwards.

I was surprised to see my father waiting out front. He had come to see me play. He invited me to coffee and my first instinct was to reject him, but I realized how selfish that would be and as I had proven to myself, I wasn’t that guy anymore. I had to reacquaint myself with my dad if I were to ever figure out if I was still truly pissed at him – and had the right to be angry – or if I was only being petty, acting rashly on old emotions that I had never learned to deal with.

Halfway into our cappuccino, he confronted me with the fact that I was no longer living with Heero. Something that I should have told him, considering he transferred money into Heero’s account every month to cover my costs. He said Heero called him after the first month following me moving out, when he noticed the mistake. Initially, I couldn’t do much more than mumble an apology. However, when he asked me why I had moved out of Heero’s apartment without notice, I was frank with him, blunt even, for shock value. I left out the threesome-part of the story, but I summed up the truth. I needed to see his reaction.

“Heero and I had sex a couple of times. I was in love with, but he was in love with somebody else. So it didn’t work out.”

I suspected my father was so afraid of losing touch with me for good, that he could convince himself he was okay with anything and everything. Awkward and shocked as he was, he expressed sympathy. He never judged me for my sexuality, nor the crass manner in which I had just come out to him.

After we finished our coffee and before we parted ways to head home, he thanked me, without saying what for and then he hugged me. I still stood in front of the coffee shop long after he had left.

He didn’t use to be like that. He was never very accepting, tolerant, understanding, empathetic nor sympathetic. Our relationship was characterized by his high expectations of me and my constant fear of disappointing him. I never considered the possibility that he could change. But if I could change – as I was convinced I had – surely he could too…

I would never be able to forgive him for his inaction with regards to my brother’s death, but as I stood there, with the creamy, yet bitter taste of coffee still in my mouth, I realized it was a mistake he had made when he was a different person and that raised the question of whether or not he should still be held accountable. I had been a horrible person when I was younger, doing all the wrong things, for all the wrong reasons, but I had changed. It was a change I felt and a change that was observed and acknowledged by others as well. Even Heero no longer saw me as the boy who degraded him and hurt him, he knew I had become a different person, a better person. He had never spoken of forgiveness, he didn’t need to forgive me. He could resent the old me and love the new me in equal intensity.

The question was obvious: was I mature enough to follow Heero’example? If I was, I could be the new and improved son to my new and improved father.

The answer wasn’t simple. I trusted, however, that I only needed to wait until I could _feel_ that it was _right_. I didn’t make any rash decisions and went home, lost in quiet thought.

The summer was hot and humid and my small apartment felt claustrophobic. I didn’t get much sleep, kicking away the sheets and wiping away the sweat that beaded on my brows and back and made the hair at the back of my neck stick to my skin – _disgusting_. To get away, I spent a lot of time at the park, but never in the mornings, when I knew Heero would be on his run.

Time and distance helped greatly with my heartache. I didn’t miss him nearly as much as I expected I would, after a couple of weeks. Many times I toyed with the idea of calling him, to meet up and see if we could be friends again, but I didn’t dare to actually dial his number. If I thought about what his voice would sound like, after not hearing it for so long and what his face would look like after missing the sight of it all that time, I got weak in the knees and faint of heart. I still loved him, but I loved him from afar and that was alright, it wasn’t hurting either one of us.

I didn’t think of him often, as time progressed, but whenever I did, it was pleasant. Sometimes I got lonely, on those days I thought of him a little more. Instead of cereal, I would have yoghurt and fruit for breakfast on those days; the smell reminded me of him and made me feel like he was sitting right next to me, at the breakfast bar. I would turn on the shower while I brushed my teeth. I would watch movies with a big bowl of buttered popcorn. I would drink beer, although I still disliked the taste.

And the next day I would laugh and shake my head at how pathetic I was, but I would feel lighter nonetheless.

When summer wound to an end, I went to a Jazz festival hosted by the college’s music department. I had another Jazz course in the next semester and I had to force myself to familiarize myself with it. Having been raised on classical music, Jazz music just sounded like a lot of mistakes to me. The festival failed to change my mind. I was about to leave when the next student performer stepped onto the stage and the first tune played by the saxophone silenced the crowd.

I knew a guy who played the saxophone… I thought to myself. I turned and, to my surprise, it was Jovan, the ‘great guy’.

Fueled by curiosity I stayed and watched his performance and once he was done I made my way through the crowd to the front to say hello to him. Our eyes had met during his song and it would be rude not to greet him.

“Hey, still here?”

He smiled at me. “I’m going back home next week.”

“It’s good to see you.” I didn’t have any particularly strong feelings about seeing him again, but it was something I felt I was supposed to say.

“Wanna go have a drink?” He smirked slyly.

Remembering the kiss we had shared, I politely declined. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression. He was attractive and the offer was tempting, but I didn’t do casual sex anymore. I couldn’t, not after Heero. “I’m heading home. I just wanted to say ‘hi’.”

“Do you play jazz?” Jovan asked. “You’re welcome to go up on the stage and show off.” He nodded at the piano. Currently another saxophonist was playing.

“It’s not really my thing. But I’m taking another jazz course next year so I figured…” I shrugged.

“Too bad I’m leaving. I could have helped you with that.”

“Yeah, you were great,” I thought to say. Although I didn’t appreciate jazz music personally, didn’t mean I shouldn’t compliment him, obviously he was very talented, based on the positive reaction the crowd had given him.

“Thanks. Too bad I won’t be able to hear you play.”

I nodded dumbly. I started chewing on the inside of my cheek as the silence that fell between us quickly became uncomfortable.

“How’s Heero?” Jovan asked and he smiled in an understanding manner, knowing he was the reason I wouldn’t be going home with him.

“I- I don’t know. I haven’t seen him a while.”

“Really?” He raised his eyebrows. “When was the last time you talked to him?”

“About two months ago, a little over.”

“Oh.” He grinned sheepishly, like he knew a secret I ought to know as well.

“Oh?”

“What about WuFei? Did you talk to him?”

I was as confused and curious as I possibly could be. “No. What’s going on?”

“You haven’t heard then?”

“No! Tell me!”

“They broke up.”

I blinked at him. My heart skipped a beat. The first thing I felt was pain. I felt sorry for them. I had really wanted them to live happily ever after, together. They both deserved it. But then my heart started pounding. “When?”

“I don’t know exactly. I saw WuFei last during finals and that’s when he told me. He didn’t say how long ago it happened, just that he was going to China for the summer alone because he and Heero broke up.”

My stomach coiled. That was weeks ago! I was instantly disappointed. If Heero had broken up with WuFei because of me – because of missing me – he would have contacted me, right?

What did this mean?

I realized I couldn’t answer that question. Only Heero could. “I’m sorry,” I said to Jovan. “I have to go.” I didn’t wait for him to respond, but I did catch the beginnings of a knowing smirk on his lips before I spun around and left the festival in a hurry.

The apartment was close to the campus, so after a short jog I stood in front of the building. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to say, or ask, or how I would behave, but my feet had carried me to the front door and there I was.

With jittery fingers I rang the doorbell and after a few seconds the intercom crackled to life and an unfamiliar, male voice was heard.

“Hello, who is this?”

“Uhm…” My lack of preparation was even worse now that I was in a strange situation. Who was this? _A new boyfriend?_ “I’m Duo Maxwell. Is Heero home?”

“Who?”

I frowned. “Heero Yuy?”

It was silent for a while. “I’m sorry, I think you’re looking for the previous tenant.”

_Previous tenant? He moved away?_ “Th- thank you. I’m sorry to bother you.”

“That’s alright. Goodbye.” Following a beep the intercom went quiet.

I supposed I had my answer. Heero had left. He had left everything behind. He didn’t call me, he didn’t email me, he didn’t come looking for me and he knew that when or if I would come looking for him, I would hit a dead-end. I didn’t know what to feel. I couldn’t be disappointed, until mere moments ago I knew as much as I knew then that it was over between us and that we both had to move on. I could only hope that since apparently WuFei couldn’t make him happy, he had found someone or something else to make him happy and that WuFei was happy as well. That was all I ever wanted for them.

Deflated and suddenly tired, I went back to my hole-in-the-wall apartment and life went on. I had found out years ago, when my brother died, that even when you don’t expect it to and even when you don’t want it to, life always goes on. The daily grind drags you along, like a glacier underneath your feet, it takes you with it and before you realize it, you are someplace else. You never had to figure out how to get there or worry about the journey. When you look back, everything that was once so big and looming, had shrunk into the distance.

When my savings were exhausted, the glacier pulled me to my father’s house. I had nowhere else to go, except back to the dorms, but I didn’t want to sacrifice my hard-fought GPA and I knew the only way we could ever be father and son again – or learn that it wouldn’t work – was by actually spending time together and put ourselves into a position that promoted a family dynamic.

The first night I spent in my old bedroom, I cried until sunrise. My room had been kept the same – a Playboy poster on the door, a sports jersey pinned to the wall above the desk, my books and CD’s scattered on the shelves, my old clothes in the closet, hell even the worn issue of Men’s Health was still hidden under the mattress. But as familiar as it was, the house did not feel like a home without Solo. His room had been preserved as well and it was right next door. I could _feel_ the emptiness of that room, even through the walls; it hollowed out my chest.

What upset me the most was not that I missed him, because I didn’t miss him. What upset me was that we were never the brothers we should have been, the brothers I had wanted us to be, let alone the brothers that everyone thought we were. I had never been able to be myself around him. He had never known the true me and I suspected I had never known the true him; hiding behind entwined fingers clutching a cross. I would never even know if we would have liked each other if he had known I was gay and soft-hearted and if I had ever known what he was like underneath that layer of tradition and scripture.

It was refreshing, however, that after all those years I did finally really get to know my father and I didn’t feel the need to lie to him about who I was anymore. We had both made mistakes and we had both not lived up to the hopes nor expectations of the other, but all we could do was accept these flaws, shortcomings and surprises – wanted and unwanted – and keep moving forward.

When we started fighting about the little things - about doing the dishes, keeping my room clean, no piano after midnight, not putting the empty milk carton back into the fridge and ‘buy your own goddamn computer dad!’ … because there is gay porn on mine… – I realized we had done it. I was regularly so, so very _angry_ at him, but not because I still felt like he could have saved Solo, but because he treated me like a child while I wished to be treated like an adult – you know, the regular stuff that all sons and fathers argue about; the classic ‘but-not-while-you-are-living-under-my-roof’ arguments. 

As time progressed, we learned how to not get on each other’s nerves so much. I helped with the dishes, kept my room straight and didn’t practice into the wee hours of the night and in turn he didn’t drink directly from the carton and threw it away when it was empty and he purchased his own laptop so mine wasn’t constantly missing because he was always shopping online for parts for his little drone.

_Like the manchild that he is_ , I would think as the little thing would come flying by my bedroom window as he either relived his time in the army, or his childhood – I couldn’t quite tell. I did catch myself smiling at it.

The glacier moved further along. I did my school work. I made an effort to make a couple of friends. I dated a couple of times. I brought one guy home to meet my dad to test him and he didn’t even blink. When the boyfriend left and my father and I stood shoulder to shoulder at the sink, doing the dishes, he said ceremoniously, out of the blue: “I’m proud of the man you have become”. It caught me off guard. I pondered the praise quietly as I dried a wineglass and then I replied, without being able to look at him: “And I’m proud of the man _you_ have become.”

None of my relationships worked out, they were all short-lived. It was unfair of me, but I couldn’t help the comparison with Heero and they all paled when I held them to that standard. I wasn’t so much referring to the actual relationship I had had with Heero – which, admittedly, wasn’t all that great in hindsight – nor did I think of Heero as this saintly image of perfection that made them all look bad in comparison, because I didn’t; Heero had his flaws like everyone else and he wasn’t the only beautiful guy in the world, or in my life even. No, I compared what I _felt_ for them with what I felt for Heero and that was where the new relationships kept failing.  Heero wasn’t perfect and our relationship wasn’t perfect, but what I felt for him was absolute _perfection_ and I hadn’t yet been able to replace that feeling and I couldn’t forget about it either. 

It was the start of my Junior year, over a year since I moved out of the apartment and last saw Heero, when the doorbell rang and my father yelled at me: “Make yourself useful and open the door, will you?”

I swung my legs over the edge of the couch, pausing the television, and on my white tennis socks I shuffled to the front door. “Yeah yeah yeah.” I was prepared to open the door to the delivery man and accept a box of drone-parts on my father’s behalf, but when I opened the door it dawned on me that I as wholly unprepared for the situation I was thrust into.

“Heero…”

He cocked his head to the side and smiled brightly as if he couldn’t help himself. He looked even better than I remembered – better than I had fantasized. His chocolate bangs framed his face and fell across his forehead, but they did not detract from the light that shone brightly in his cobalt blue eyes. He had a laptop-bag slung over his shoulder and he wore a dark blue button-up shirt with a company logo on both sleeves and he even had a tag pinned on the front of his shirt that spelled his name as ‘H I R O’.

I blushed when I noticed he was giving me a once-over as well and I must have looked horrible in my sweats and oversized shirt with a goddamn ketchup stain on the front! I had imagined that moment many times over the past year but I never looked like _that_! Talkative as I was, at times like that my words always failed me. At times like that I normally said stupid things like ‘You’re the tallest Asian I’ve ever seen’. I didn’t want to say anything stupid, so after a drawn-out mental struggle, I ended up not saying anything, not even a greeting. I demonstratively closed my mouth which had been agape.

His smile widened. “Hi.”

Nothing.

“You look good.”

_That is a lie, but thank you for being nice._ Still nothing.

He adjusted the strap on his shoulder. “Your dad called me. He said he was having trouble installing his new laptop.”

_New? He bought that things months ago_. “Oh.” I couldn’t do much more than quirk an eyebrow.

“I actually started working again for that home-tech company,” He explained, recognizing the unspoken question in my eyes. “It doesn’t pay as much as… porn,” He whispered that last word, “But it’s for the better.”

The first sentence was formed and I was blunt when I said: “You broke up with WuFei.”

“Yeah. A long time ago.” He frowned. “How did you know?”

“I- Jovan told me.”

“Who?”

“The guy from our double-date.”

“Oh.” His eyes shifted. He reached for the strap on his shoulder again and I recognized the movement as a manifestation of his nerves which he otherwise hid brilliantly. “Are you seeing him?”

Something fluttered in my chest at the possibility that he could still be jealous. “No. I ran into him last year at a Jazz festival.”

“You hate Jazz.”

I smiled at the fact that he remembered. “I do, but the course was mandatory…” I chewed on the inside of my cheek. _What the fuck? Why are we talking about Jazz? Jazz?!_

Suddenly my father appeared next to me, after having managed to sneak up behind me. “Heero!” He exclaimed, “I’m glad you’re here. Come help me. I think there is a virus on my laptop or something.”

With a sheepish smile Heero walked into the house, side-stepping me and he followed my father to the study in the back of the house. I remained in the doorway, rushing to gather my thoughts. Once the storm in my mind had calmed, I thought to run upstairs and change into more presentable clothes. Dressed in jeans and a clean sweater I went back downstairs and idled in the living room, waiting for them to finish. When I heard my father make some kind of victorious sound, I knew they were about done and it had taken all of ten minutes. I straightened my clothes and pretended to run into them in the hallway by accident.

“Done already?”

“It was easy to fix.”

My father interjected: “You two boys talk, there are some new rotors on Ebay and I’ll be damned if someone outbids me!” He hurried away, back into the study.

“What was the problem with the laptop?”

“There wasn’t really a problem. Every time the laptop was booted up it also started running a number of programs in the background. It’s a pretty simple processor so it couldn’t handle all those programs starting-up at once, so it kept freezing up and giving error messages. It was really a simple matter of changing the settings. I ran a virus- and malware scan and there was nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Wow, I didn’t even know he was such a troglodyte that he would have to call tech-support for something like that…” I rubbed the back of my neck. A crazy thought popped up: _Did my father set this up so Heero and I would meet again?_

Heero smiled at me. “Your dad is nothing like how I remembered him.”

I shrugged and pursed my lips to hide the smirk that threatened to appear.

“I didn’t expect you to be here,” He said. “I didn’t think you would ever come back to this place. You said some pretty harsh things about your dad.”

“And I meant them. But I’ve changed and I see now that so has he. It’s hard work but… It’s good.”

He nodded and looked around. “It must have been weird for you, first coming back here.”

“Is it weird for you?” I wondered, remembering that when he was in this house last it was the home of his tormentors; me and my brother. Those Thanksgivings must have been very painful for him.

“Yeah… a little.” He bit his bottom lip. “Mostly it’s weird seeing you here. It reminds me that you were the person I used to hate and fear so much. I had almost forgotten.”

I swallowed audibly and felt wrought with guilt, even though there had been no malice in his tone of voice. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay. I don’t mind remembering. It makes me realize how much things can change for the better, even when you least expect it.” His smile was bright and honest.

I stared at him and felt myself sway back and forth, nearly leaning into him. I caught myself and steadied my balance. I cleared my throat and wondered: “Where have you been? I came by the apartment a while back, but you weren’t there.”

“When WuFei and I broke up I didn’t have anyone to make videos with and then when I went back to the solo stuff, I realized that I didn’t want to do it anymore. It didn’t feel _right_ anymore,” He smirked at me. “Anyway, without that gig, I couldn’t afford it. But I have a new place now, I make my living the honest way,” He pointedly looked down at his uniform, “I mean, I have to share with two roommates, but you know I enjoy a good three-way.” He chuckled and hurried to explain: “It’s just a joke, we’re not… you know?”

I smiled at him, at his endearing awkwardness. “I’m sorry about you and WuFei.”

“Yeah,” He looked at his feet. “It was only a matter of time. I think we always worked better as friends, as opposed to boyfriends, seeing as we have a lot in common but we don’t excite each other.”

“Are you still friends?”

“We have movie nights. Not every week, but we try to do it at least once a month. You’re free to join us next time if you want.”

“I would really like that.”

“I’ll give you a call. WuFei lives with his new boyfriend, Treize. You’ll like him.” He winked.

“Oh. Okay.” He scratched the back of his neck. His mouth was burning with a question he didn’t dare to ask; if Heero was also seeing someone new.

 and then glanced down at his watch. “I should go. I still have four other ‘troglodytes’ to save today.”

“Yeah, uh, okay,” His abrupt announcement of his departure threw me off a little, I thought it was going well and it seemed like he was getting a little flirty with me, but maybe I read the signs wrong. I walked him to the front door and held it open for him, even though all I wanted to do was shut it, press him up against it and kiss him.

He stepped over the threshold and once on the porch he pivoted on his heels. “Would-” He chuckled at himself. “Would you like to go on a date sometime?”

_I wasn’t wrong…_ I leaned against the doorpost with a smirk, pretending to be cool and casual, hoping he wouldn’t see my heart pounding right out of my ribcage as if I were a cartoon character. “The two of us, or would someone else be joining us?”

“Three is a crowd,” He replied with a shake of his head and he promised: “Just us.”

_Just us._

**THE END**


End file.
